Ask The Stress Wizard

WHAT ABOUT THE VIOLENCE?

2011-01-18T17:39:00.000-08:00

I have bot blogged in quite a while, but due to the number of comments I have heard about the recent shooting, and the number of people who have asked me for my two cents...here it is...

The solution to violence is far more complicated than monitoring words, or whether or not Palin uses crosshairs over the faces of her opponents. How is it that we as a culture continue to invest in Might Makes Right as "The" solution? Truthy be told, it is everywhere...war on drugs, war on cancer, allowable smear campaigns that spread lies, hell our own government lies to us. We mustn'e forget that we are a country founded from a bloody revolution, further developed from the blood of brothers during the Civil war,-a countrty whose "greatness" has largly come from being the biggest badAss during the world wars (and the technology that came from those wars), not to mention the revision (for the better) of our own culture during the protests and and sit-ins, and resistance to authority- that were still at heart revolutions.

Clearly we are dealing with an evolutionary paradigm. By design, compassion, empathy and cooperation are the real cutting edge brain developments most likely to assure our individual and collective survival. It isn't MIGHT that makes us survivors in the bog picture after all.
I can only believe that when we as individuals put an end to the personal daily emotional executions we visit on friends, family and others in our community who do not 'live up to our expectations' can we hope to make headway on a c\ultural, much less global level. Only when we offer treal compassion to those in our immediate lives and in our immediate environment can we hope to spark a change large enough to impact cultural violence.

Blaming people's word choices or the 'right to bear arms' or blaming implicit or explicit messages that may encourage someone to 'rail against' others, is as illogical as the old complaint that rock and roll was the cause of the moral downfall of the youth!

People who are happy do not shoot people. Duh. People who are marginalized, ignored, in pain, emotionally overwrought and of course those whio are mentally ill-sometimes do. They are a symptom of a larger issue. And sure we can create new laws, become word police and kick Palin's ass to the moon for being a crappy exabple of a compassionate intelligent human being. Yes we can. But if we treat the symptoms and not the cause...nothing changes. The patient still dies.

When each of us decide to become more involved and more honest friends, family and neighbors, rather than expect The Authorities (whom we mistrust) to fix the problem with a top down approach, when we become more active participants in demonstrating kindness and empathy in our own lives-we can and will take a new evolutionary course.

When I heard that the shooter was yet another emotionally distressed and disturbed young man, I couldn't help but wonder where WERE his family, teachers, neighbors and friends that could not lend a compassionate ear or healthy corrective guidance? If it "takes a villiage" then we are ALL in some way culpable for these acts.

I urge you to do your part in your own life, to be an aware, compassionate and active member of your family and your community. Take this personally. The next shooter may be someone you know.

Experiencing Love As Reality

2010-02-17T19:42:00.000-08:00

Love is reality. I am certain of it. I have been thinking about that, feeling and experiencing the essence of it for weeks. It’s a thought I’ve often had and sometimes, and I don’t know why or how, some switch gets flipped and I experience the truth of it. Sometimes for a few days, or a few weeks I live in the experience of it, as if I can feel the light-the electricity and magnetism- that we and all things are made of. One day I hope that switch stays flipped and I live out my days filled with the wonder and pleasure, the bright joy and peace and inspiration of it.

All humans want to love and be loved. Everything else is secondary. That’s really all there is. It is not a secret, yet allowing that to occur is the secret of life. Allowing love. It’s everywhere, truly.

If we love, and allow others to love us, and help ourselves to give and receive that which we long for most by quieting our minds and interrupting the stream of rules, shoulds, perfectionism, expectationism, score keeping, intellectualizing and judgment…we can and will experience that golden experience, not just once or with one person, but each day, in multiple ways…through many of our encounters. Contact…Giving and receiving acceptance, is love. I’m not talking about the romanticized dramatic version of love that borders on pain and lives in dread and fear of loss, or the mind shattering ten second orgasm expression of love…that’s good too…and…I’m talking about something older, deeper, longer lasting, more easily accessible anywhere, nearly anytime we choose. It is an experience of recognition. Or as it was expressed recently on the biog screen “ I see you”. Love is awakening to our Connection that is primal and foundational-and real.

My friend Dan Winter, once a researcher for the HeartMath ™ Institute calls this fundamental experience “Lo-phi” or in geek speak, “the recursive golden mean wave form structure of light and magnetism out of which all reality is generated.”

Another friend, Whitley Strieber, said it more simply in his recent newsletter when he wrote: “I think that love is the same among all creatures, that it is the hidden essence of reality itself, and that everything that does not contain it is a sort of illusion. Love is reality.”

Yes my friends. I wholeheartedly agree.

Living In Your Body in 2010

2010-01-08T12:15:00.000-08:00

It seems that nobody is bringing body awareness to the forefront of consciousness exploration. I mean, we LIVE here, in our bodies... yet we ignore the signs of need and imbalance and somehow even end up thinking it's a good thing when we go without sleep or meke it through the day on coffee and power bars. If we ignored the leaky roof or the engine light with as much dogged resistance, we'd have our friends and loved ones telling us what idiots we are, right? And of course, if we get sick or injured, even then, we are more likely to medicate and push on, rather than rest and heal..or God forbid- take care of the problem at the Source .
Yet, we read books, take classes and pretend that we are interested in enlightenment...in self awareness...all the while, allowing our magnificent bodies to flounder and struggle against great odds as we fail to provide the three simple and most basic ingredients of health and well being. Good nutrition, daily exercise and enough R & R.

If you want to live in the moment, experience the Power of Now, or have even a fleeting glimmer of enlightenment, ignoring your body isn’t at option. Never mind enlightenment, the basic pleasures of feeling flexible and alert, living pain free, having a vibrant sex life, emotional balance, clarity of thought and ease of relating ALL depend on how well you know, love and care for your body.

To be frank, if we took care of our dogs the way we take care of our bodies, the ASPCA would be knocking at our doors- and for good reason!

The next time you hear someone say you are a “spiritual being having a human experience”…Remember that without being present in and experiencing your body, what you’re really having is more of a, " living-in-your-head-cut-off-from-reality-delusional experience".
Which isn’t , quite frankly, very human. Or especially spiritual. You might even rephrase that little ditty to read, “ I am a spiritual being having a lame half-human asleep-at-the-wheel experience.”

Also stop the lament, ‘the older I get the more I am betrayed by my body!” Sigh.
Well, for a moment, consider the years of basic neglect, including crappy nutrition, little exercise and not enpough sleep or play you subject yourself to. That you are alive and mobile at all is a testament to the wonders your bodies is capable of. Who is doing the betraying here? Certainly not your body.

I propose that in 2010, you adopt a new way of relating to yourself, your physicality...your magnificent animal nature. ..Treat yourself the way you would treat a prize horse, or a beloved dog. Exercise every day. Create a lifelong habit of healthy food choices. Sleep. Play and socialize with others. Groom yourself lovingly and with care.

Do not allow the mind you have subvert that wisdom. THIS is the beginning of enlightenment.

In the Jan 2010 AARP magazine, in the article Take Charge of Your Health, we are told that chronic diseases, most of which are caused by lifestyle habits, are the leading cause of disability and death in the US., with stress and depression as the major contributing factors.
The senior VP of The National Council on Aging says, “The present medical model has ignored the issues, pain, fatigue, anger that interfere with people’s health and lives.”
Not news to you, right? Fix the problem rather than practice prevention has been a bad health habit of the medical system for decades. If we did that with our cars, we'd end up replacing the engine because we failed to have our oil changed regularly! Problem is, with our bodies, we can't always get that new engine, and sometimes by the time we need one, there's enough damage that we're never going to return to the quality of health we might have had. We can buy a new car, but we can't just go out and get a new body. Which makes what we do (and fail to do) completely illogical, irrational, and criminally stupid.

Stanford has created a Chronic Disease Self Management program that’s now being offered as a prevention and maintenance program. The remedy? Nutrition, Physical activity and behavioral changes that release emotional baggage. Sound familiar? Indeed.

There are so many 'health' books, you may not know what to believe or where to begin. that I can help you with. Read: YOUNGER NEXT YEAR. Find a copy and give one to a couple of friends. Create a pack and make a pact to revise your habits and create the possibility for vitality, ease, health...and yes, even enlightenment.

Do you have to wait until you get sick to wake up? No, I don't believe you do. We, for the most part, do know what to do. Let’s make 2010 the year we do what we know.

Happy Hollerdays

2009-12-23T21:07:00.000-08:00

Ho Ho Oh yes it’s the time of year for stomach tension, extra stress and ninja like emotional high wire acts that can go very, very wrong… Happy Holler Days.
So far, in my neighborhood alone, three neighbors have been fighting like stags during rutting season, and the cops showed up last night to put an end to the Hollerday festivities next door when tables and chairs started flying through the air like the Great Walenda’s. I have heard many a dark tale about the Hollerdays, from a teen making his parents eat in blessed silence for once (of course, he encouraged them with his father’s hunting rifle) to a wife who had her brother pose as her husband and invite the girlfriend to Hollerday dinner (that’s a great story) to the father to lied (literally, with a rope) his children to their chairs because they wouldn’t stop leaving the Hollerday table to talk on the phone…well… I bet you have a story or two of your own…
Oy. Do ya remember Festivus?
Festivus for the Rest of us? Well if you don’t remember what the actual celebration entails, please, let me remind you. During Festivus, the family gathers in the back yard around a pole and exchanges grievances. Simple. Honest. To the point.

I think that no matter what you celebrate, if you start with this little Festivus ritual every other Holiday tradition you may have will turn out better. Let off the steam and get over your grousing, judgments and self inflicted misery right off the bat. In fact wiffle bats may be in order…maybe even a good game of paintball before dinner to get some aggression handled that might otherwise ruin a perfectly good Hollerday meal.

By all means get it out of your system so that you can actually enjoy yourself and whomever you happen to have at your table this year. Look, even if you can’t stand Aunt Hilda or your stepmother or your in-laws…at least you can put a little fun in the family dysfunction by accepting their quirks without trying to change them for just this one lousy couple of days. I mean…getting or staying mad at predictable behavior is a dumb as getting mad at the cat for not barking like a dog.

Have a little fun. Take them (and yourself ) lightly. Agree with complaints. It’ll be confusing and entertaining. And will stop drama dead in it’s tracks.
“Why Raven I see you’re still a bitch.”
“ Indeed I am, thank you for noticing.”
There…was that so hard? See if you can serve the main course without the seasoning with bitterness, irritation or obligation. By the way, nobody likes the mandatory side dish of lukewarm passive aggression. Ug…this year, just dump it in the trash. I won’t tell.

Notice, Interrupt, Replace, Repeat

2009-11-15T07:06:00.000-08:00

Notice, Interrupt, Replace Repeat. This is the way we build a new set of thoughts, ideas and automatic beliefs and expectations to replace the ones that keep us experiencing the same tired old complaints over and over. To begin this process we need to recognize the old lame stories that we have been telling over and over, and we need enough emotional MoJo to turn the tide.
Your subconscious mind generates your experiences out of whatever you place the highest importance on. In the language of our minds, importance is not determined by logic or reason, but by repetition and emotional intensity. Here are a few typical examples of stories that we invest plenty of time and emotional energy in…thus…providing our subconscious mind with the raw materials out of which to generate our experiences. Here are a few common stories we tell.

I’m too busy. I’m always busy. I have no time.
I was cheated on. All women cheat.
I was abused so I can’t accomplish anything in my life because of my past.
I can never succeed in life. It’s just not possible for ‘someone like me’.
I will never ﬁnd a job I like. I have to take what I can get.
My father was an alcoholic. Just can’t trust men.
The ’real world’ sucks. Life is hard.

Step One - Recognize you’re telling a story : It is easier to point out the stories that other people are telling but a little bit harder to pinpoint the story you are telling. You may want to ask a friend to help with this step. Get over your resistance to giving it up by creating a new, useful story.

Step Two: Set an Intent:. This is the way to begin creating a better more powerful story.

Step Three: Create a vision of the future you wnt. Start telling that story instead
Step Four: Interrupt you story and replace that time and energy spent by talking about the vision of what you’re creating! Speak your intent powerfully into the world.
Step Five: Stop hanging out with people who continuously tell the same unhappy story. This is classic ‘birds of a feather’ syndrome and will pull you back into the mud. You will begin attracting different people in your life, people who support the new visions you have started telling.

Step Six: Create action steps and put them on a time line.

To keep yourself on the right road, hang out with people who already have some of the things you are looking to create in your own life. You can create whatever kind of life you want. To do so, it’s not enough to say a few affirmations. You MUST notice, interrupt, and redirect your thoughts behaviors and emotions enough to turn the tide. Then your new story will give your brilliant subconscious the tools to build that bright new road to the destiny you desire.

Hold a few new visions in your mind:

I can have an interesting well paying job that I enjoy.
The world is a place of wonder & possibility .
I meet people who accept and value me.
(Insert your new story here...)

Filters, Circumstances & Reality

2009-10-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

Your brain doesn’t “know” when mental-emotional habits, your 'reality filters' that once served a useful purpose have outlived their usefulness. That is for you, as a conscious being, to figure out. The filter of being silent and 'invisible' to avoid an angry parent is a great survival pattern when you’re three but it is an awful thing to still have that pattern controlling the way you relate to a boss or other authority figure. Keep repeating the childhood pattern and there goes your recognition, promotion and well deserved raises.

The ability to be an excellent “reader” of our parent's and teachers mental and emotional state is a good survival filter. The ability to notice and react to subtle behavioral cues may make you a great negotiator steer you away from con artists, and land you an excellent job in sales and marketing, but may also lead you to overreact and be overly suspicious in all of your relationships. It may prevent you from finding a mate or even keeping a long term job.

Less destructive filters can still be bothersome and limiting. Your filters may cause you to ignore constructive criticism, leaving you vulnerable to insincere flattery, and giving you a sense of superiority that will eventually lead to failure - think of all those contestants on American Idol who can't carry a tune in a bucket. Conversely, you may dismiss compliments and seek out criticism, causing you to choose partners who pick on your every mistake – just like your father did.

Your wiring, how your brain takes in and processes information, is the primary source of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Let me say that again.
Far more than your current circumstances, your brain’s wiring is responsible for your interpretation of events and your reactions.
Instead of wasting time and energy trying to change your circumstances, your time and effort are better spent learning how to amend the associations and beliefs that have become your filters. By doing this you will find yourself in new circumstances, with much greater speed and ease.

You may turn yourself inside out desperately trying to find the “right” job or the “right” mate or to put away enough money to “feel secure.” Yet all the while, what you say, the people you associate with, and what you do consistently produces results you don’t want. You get angry or confused, blaming fate, circumstance and other people rather than looking at the real source of your misery. To an objective observer the fact that you are the one hitting yourself in the head with a brick is obvious. The person responsible for your circumstances is - YOU.

The Heart of the Matter

2009-10-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

He had worked at UPS for 14 years by the time he needed the heart transplant. Not just words, these. I want you to stop and take a breath and think about this for a few minutes as you read. Think of your own heart and give it your thanks. Now consider what it might be like to have your chest sliced open, each rib cut through, and to be peeled open, to actually die as your heart is removed and a different heart, one that came from another person, placed inside you.

Think about that moment when, like a modern day Frankenstein’s monster, electricity jolts that heart to life, resurrecting you. Talking with a new rhythm to every single cell of your body. It’s alive!

When he recovered, Kevin didn’t want to go back to UPS. He had an urge to go to culinary school and so he made it happen. As I type these words, Kevin is being featured on Bobby Flay’s famous grilling chow on the food channel. Only two sentences were used to tell his story as he was introduced, but there is was. After the transplant, after the career change he found out that the donor heart he’s received was the heart of a chef.

Bobby and Kevin started grilling fish as if having one’s life reinvented by the desires in a dead man’s heart happens every day, and I came in here, tears stinging my eyes, marveling at the magnificent mysteries of life and death.

What wonders are right here in our daily lives and offhand experiences that we overlook...words that we've heard a thousand times that we never stop to consider the experience those words represent?

I hope that at least for today, after you read this post, you may be insopired to slow down, contemplate the mysteries before you...the falling leaves, glittering starts and the heart within each of us.

On Being Swayed, Unaware and Irrational

2009-09-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

In coaching sessions and in my classes and workshops, I have made a point to explain the way that mental/emotional patterns and beliefs literally filter what we see and hear, so that the ‘evidence’ that supports our expectations, we assume comes through our unbiased experience of reality. I highly suggest that you go find a copy of SWAY by Ori & Rom Brafman. In this fascinating and easy to read book, you will investigate how a handful of commonly held social and cultural beliefs serve as powerful and sometimes dangerous filters which sway even the most rational among us to behave irrationally.

One of the filters this book details is one I have frequently address- the bias that we use to tweak every word and action of a person we have judged to be a certain way. You may have heard of the studies in which students, labeled ‘gifted’ or ‘challenged’ lived up-or down to the expectations of the teachers. In SWAY you will learn how the opinion of men seeking women to date was swayed and how their expectation immediately changed the way the women communicated with them on the phone. When you hold an expectation, the person you ‘hold it against’ will automatically and subconsciously ‘read and revise’ accordingly. This information isn’t new, but taking a fresh look at this startling reality may help wake you from your own delusions.

Every time we act as if a person is a (jerk, criminal, idiot, bitch, selfish ass, cheater) we unconsciously not only see their behavior as if their motives fit that profile, we also encourage them to live up (or down) to our expectations- and with time and ‘training’ they WILL.
Not that I am suggesting that we become one of those head in the sand people that believes in ‘the goodness of people’ regardless of threatening or untrustworthy behavior, definitely not. That’s just another version of being out of touch with reality. Yet, honestly, if applying caution and good sense you can and DO hold onto the ides of the innate goodness of people, they will be less likely to target you, and more likely to target someone else.

But I’m really not talking about dealing with real criminals here. I’m talking about the way we demonize or canonize the everyday people in our lives and then only experience our own invented version of that person rather than truly experience the actual human being. This is why getting over our judgments (even the ‘good ones’) is wise. When a ‘saint’ falls off the pedestal we are often shocked and immediately re-cast the once revered friend or relative as a bad egg. The now reviled person goes right to the bottom of the pile, and once we demonize the ‘saint’, the relationship often seriously damaged.

And let's face it, with all of our quirks, insecurities and baggage it's hard enough to create solid lasting friendships and to sustain family relationships without adding THIS nasty habit to the mix. So I invite you to look at every relationship that matters, from your boss to your best friend, and get a little more conscious about the way your judgments and beliefs sway you. Oh and read the book...you'll be glad you did.

And FYI, for those of you who have asked, yes I'm working diligently so when my own book is coming out, I'll let you know.

Bodies and Planets

2009-09-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

If you subscribe to the 'spiritual thinking' that we are not our bodies, but merely 'live inside' our bodies, I am inviting you to wake the hell up. The YOU that you know yourself to be, does not exist without your body. Period. Calm down. I am not suggesting that life ends when we die, but I AM making a clear direct and factual statement, that we are beings expressing ourselves AS bodied personalities in this world. Who or whatever we are or become once our bodies rot to dust is distinctly different from this person that you know yourself to be today. It's not spiritual to IGNORE THE FACTS, it's merely ignorant...it's another place to hide out and pretend that listening to the messages our bodies give us are second class citizens, and in our hubris, when we put mind above body, work above rest, repression above common sense...we are setting ourselves up for failure or suffering or sickness.

We ARE our bodies and our bodies ARE spiritual. they are absolutely amazing intelligent biological wonders...and we ignore them, trash them and use them for garbage receptacles. Did you know that the worlds longest living people are those with the least psychological stress and the most physical stress. And I don't mean people living out awful subsistent lives. I mean vital happy people who have, fop centuries lived in communities of support in which family, food, community and work are seamlessly woven together. Read the book The Blue Zones if you want more info about that.

SO...OK...let's just sit back then and poison the planet, create an early exit for ALL humans based on our own ignorance and stupidity…oh wait...that’s what we’ve been doing! Don't think for a SECOND that ignoring your body is not connected to ignoring the state of the planet. Bodies and planets alike are spirit, energy, god-stuff -whatever you want to label it..expressing itself AS matter. You, me, the sun, Jupiter...all and everything is God-stuff/Goddess-stuff. I invite you to wake up and treat yourself and your world accordingly.

Another Exploration of Illusions

2009-08-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

When we speak of illusions, one of the most problematic illusions occurs when we substitute our imagining, our prejudice and labels for the real and complex personalities of people in our lives.
When we adopt an “either or mentality”, (when we cannonize or demonize people) there is no room for the truth that we are, each of us…indeed ALL of us, complete packages of light dark and shadow, filled with traits and nuances that demonstrate kindness, compassion, loyalty AND insensitivity, stupidity or meanness.
What you see depends on the day, the circumstances, and the state of mind involved.

Because we are both/and creatures, the illusion of good or bad/ right or wrong/ kind or mean / smart or stupid, honest or deceptive can rob us of the relief we feel when others know both sides of our nature…and accept us just the same. Our best friends usually do this. They see through our pretense, dismiss our ‘image’ as canned personality, and embrace us even when we are cranky, act crazy or get angry. This is freedom. This is real relating. This is what we miss out on in much of our lives when we expend vital energy pretending that we are not pretending, rather than being the quirky, slightly off kilter people we really are.

In fact, it’s easier to accept an authentic person with quirks and flaws than it is to feel warm and fuzzy about someone who is somehow always smart, good, kind, considerate…because under the surface, we know, from experience, that there is something in those silent waters that is most likely dark and slimy.

When we were small, we got a message that we had to show a certain face…present an ‘image’ to our teachers, neighbors, aunts and uncles…in order to avoid punishment and encourage attention and favor. This is at its most basic, a biological design to keep children from hurting each other and from running into traffic until they mastered the ability of cooperation and negotiation. When kids develop the capacity to weigh the consequences and make conscious choices, then they may risk displeasure from authority for the sweeter pleasure of self referent decision making. But not all do. Many get caught in a perpetual loop of pretense and hiding in a misguided attempt to ‘be successful and be liked’. This image becomes hardened like a mask that is held up for others to see, but our very nature strives for self acceptance and want others to love us as we are.

Our clever subconscious makes us sensitive to the flaws in others that we either suppress or merely hide from view. That which really irritates us about the people we pull into our lives (often again and again) are those tendencies which we are most inclined to hide about ourselves. When we admit to and own BOTH sides of our nature, we can arrive at true self acceptance as well as authentic forgiveness.

Illusions, Pretense and Being Human

2009-08-28T08:09:00.000-07:00

We all have and create illusions. In fact the world we think is so real is mostly just the very small experiences we allow to pass through our filters. We lie to ourselves unwittingly much of the time as we substitute generalizations and judgments for reality. So…when we pretend, and then pretend that we are not pretending…we don’t have even a slim chance of making real contact with people and we don’t have a chance to get what we want in life.

We all have illusions. And if we ask ourselves this one question: Are my illusions working for me or against me? Then at least we can stretch the limits of our self created delusions and experience more of the vast possibilities available to us.

Take beliefs for example. What illusion serves me better, that I am 100% responsible for everything that happens in my life or that I am a victim of circumstance? Our amazing and powerful subconscious mind, the part that is always in contact with everything, with consciousness itself, responds to those choices, and delivers ‘evidence’ accordingly.

So it is in our best interest not only to stop pretending and defending, but also to reveal those things about ourselves that we hide away, imagining that others would reject us…if they only knew. What is true is that no matter your age, race, social standing or country of origin, as a fellow human being, you have more in common with other human beings, than you have differences. We all want to love and be loved. We all want to have our survival basics handled, to be part of a community, to do meaningful tasks, feel valuable and free to express ourselves in whatever way seems right to us. Everything after that…all the differences you can think of…are virtually irrelevant.

How to Take Action and Resolve Fear

2009-08-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Familiarity is sometimes not your friend. It’s a way to step over the fear of change and ignore doing something that can truly set you free. Familiarity is what keeps a battered woman from leaving the man that may eventually beat her to death. Familiarity and false safety is what feeds the thoughts that get someone to ignore symptoms until they find themselves at deaths' door. It keeps people in high stress jobs wasting years of life and destroying their health through relentless stress.
Listen closely: Anything New Will Generate Fear. Anything that Challenges Old Assumptions that were once associated with survival (whether it was truly a risk or not) will generate Panic and Fear. It’s OK..Let it be… and it will let go and let you be.
FEAR is just a sensation. If there is no ‘real and present danger’ l(say, a guy with a gun) when you challenge your assumptions. Fear about what people will think of you or whether someone will approve, is an illusion created by your mind to hold your image intact at the expense of your well-being.. This is a big reason why people lie and manipulate…in an attempt to control what others think. The way out? Feel the fear and take the new action. When you do not resist it, you can feel those knots, remind yourself that you are well and on the Right Road…and the sensations (the fear) will resolve and fade as you take action. If you resist the fear, feed the fear, make yourself wrong for having the fear,let it stop you from doing what you want, or make the fear wrong for showing up… well…that’ll just make those sensations stick around longer.
So…here is the way OUT:Feel the fear. BREATHE. Notice on a scale of 1-10 how intense the sensations are. Put your awareness RIGHT THERE IN THE CENTER OF THE SENSATIONS. And breathe. Breathe again. Thank your body for having a warning system. Remind yourself that this fear is NOT about survival. It’s about keeping what always was in place. Breathe AND think of your manifest intent. Let the pleasure of your desires, mingle with, talk to…seduce…the fear. Breathe. Now, take that action, tell that truth, quit that job, ask for the raise, make the request…and life will shift for the better…all because you made accepted and moved through that fear.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” - M. Scott Peck

Through persistent practice, we teach ourselves how to quiet the relentless busy mind enough, so that the real information that springs eternal as the ‘small still voice’ from the deep mind can be noticed. It can then guide us back toward the balance point at which, whatever we say we want (health, ease of mind. Love, abundance, friends, money) always already exists.

Think of learning to ride a bike or drive a car…or your first kiss…REALLY pretty frightening, right? I mean sometimes so frightening we just think “ Oh…that’s OK I’d rather not ..” but then, because we WANT THE RESULT , we go ahead and get back on that bike, back in that car…and before long…we’re riding down hills with ‘no hands’ , driving at 70 mph while listening to the radio and thinking about our date…and we have by then certainly moved on from that first kiss to other delicious and sometimes equally frightening sensual pleasures.
SO…if you waited for the fear to ‘go away’ you’d STILL be a virgin riding the bus!

Yet, you have managed to, with practice, reduce the fear by repeating the action while you were afraid, enough times, that confidence replaced the scary scenarios your mind was so thoughtfully generating to ‘protect you’. Right? Putting your busy mind on the task of taking action, serves the purpose of that driving instructor, or the parent running along side your bike when the training wheels came off. Being ‘forced’ out of your comfort zone is EXACTLY what makes your brain build new connectors, frees you from the past history or current thoughts of limitation and gives you a greater taste of the “Heaven on Earth” that’s right here, right now, right behind the beliefs and expectations that hold the current undesirable circumstances in place. So… Breathe…keep going…you’re on the Right Road.

Making the Past Work for You

2009-08-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

Thirty three years ago, August 16th I was in Colorado visiting my sister for the summer and I got the call that changed my life forever. My father had a stroke and died suddenly in the funeral home he managed in Yonkers, New York. And, in addition to the shock of being without parents at 21 years of age, ( my mom died a few days after my 14th birthday) the more frightening thing was that I had no home to ‘go home’ to. We’d lived in the funeral home. Grandma had recently been hospitalized in a diabetic coma, and she died a few months later without regaining consciousness and without knowing, consciously at least, that her only child died before her. Grandpa want to live in an assisted living facility and I was adrift, and pretending that I was fine.

That was the beginning of a journey through which I first lost, and then found myself. Today as I look back, I am grateful for the circumstances of my life. In my memory, my parents are forever young. I will never see them aged and frail. I have never had to choose between my dreams and feeling that I had to live up to their expectations. I have been a free agent for a long time. Now, I consider myself lucky. In some ways I am still finding and reclaiming my young self, listening like a parent to what I yearn for, and making good on my own promises to myself. Overall, I am very happy.

My wish for you, is freedom from any remnants of your past that may still have a hold on your dreams.

Real Intelligence Requires Both of Our Minds

2009-08-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

When instinct and intelligence combine, the powerful creative matrix in the Neo Cortex open us to fields of creative power through which experiences are generated consciously. When operating with intellect alone, untempered by the instructive and potent force of emotional intelligence which is underwritten by our subconscious as instinctive body knowledge, we are capable of turning our amazing Reality Making machinery into suffering, pain and death producing equipment. Moralism, hate, terrorism genocide, war, misogyny, suicide, and murder result from our collective agreement to put intellect before all other forms of intelligence. It is a grave mistake that in the broadest sense costs lives, and in our daily experience, costs us joy, pleasure, relationships and satisfaction as we struggle against our own inner compass, our internal gyroscope, which is ever leading us back towards health, wholeness, relatedness, being and love.

The universe, including reality as we know it, is energy which vibrates at certain frequencies which allow us to perceive that energy as solid matter. This isn’t some woo-woo New Age idea, it’s not even as complex as Quantum Physics, it’s basic Einstein. E=MC2

We make a fundamental error when we assume that our consciousness, our awareness of Self is somehow located only in our brain/mind. The larger Self that we are, is actually non-local, and appears to us in part, through what we experience and attract. Think of your brain/mind as a receiver and a transformer. Like a TV or radio it picks up frequencies and translates them into what we can see and hear. Our mind does not contain the Self, but allows us to Appear in this experience we call solid reality. Mind boggling? Absolutely.

We are (literally) of two minds. We need them both. The operating system of the Left Mind perceives time and is linear, logical, analytical, interpretive, fears death and scans for what is ‘not like me’. This is a good and useful evolutionary tool along with the drive to be ‘right’, considering that our ancestors were the ones who were right about knowing that the tigers were already living in the cave we thought might make a nice place to call home. However, the Other mind we have is also vitally important and in our Right Mind’s operating system we are timeless, eternal and connected to all things everywhere. This mind gives us gut feelings, and knowledge that is not limited by time or space.
Though the discussion which develops this idea fully has been scientifically validated, it is too lengthy a conversation for this article. Suffice to say that knowing a landscape, a weather pattern of where a herd of animals lived was also a vital part of what our ancestors were capable of that helped us survive.

When we know someone is looking at us, sense the ambiance of a room in which a fight has just taken place or feel suddenly drawn to a new place only to run into an old friend there...this ability is cooperating with our conscious awareness.
Try this…

Point to yourself. Go on. Right now. Point to yourself. OK. Where did you point? To your knee, head, foot? No. To your heart. You know that the Being that you are is communicating in and through the area of your heart. That is the place where your two brains meet. The conscious and subconscious, the right and left, the paranoid analyzer and the powerful god/goddess. Your body then, is ‘where the action is’, as the dance between our two minds is played out in our heartbeat, on our skin, in our gut and essentially in every cell.

The Left Minded self focuses on intellect, lives by referencing the in the past and often fears the future, scanning the horizon for potential threats. The Right Minded self lives in the present and creates the future, scanning the horizon and seeing only expressions of itself. Intelligence is the ability to know, accept and embrace BOTH selves.
Enlightenment occurs to the degree that communication and cooperation between the two aspects of self is developed so that our experience is a both/and rather than an either/or existence. Enlightenment is the place in which paradox makes sense.

In knowing ourselves as an integral function of a multi-faceted Human Family Self, we evolve into beings whose actions, without struggle, are honest, intentional and grounded in Compassion. From this state we can no more go to war or allow destruction of our environment than we can stab our own hand. Intelligence, not intellect must dominate If our individual and collective lives are to be freed from the suffering caused by the illusions we live into. From EVOLUTION’S END byJoseph Chilton Pearce

Becoming The Person we Wish to Be

2009-07-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

When people say “ That’s Just The Way I Am” it’s not only a lie but it’s the worst excuse on record.
The plasticity of our brain allows us to be and become the way we imagine ourselves to be. It’s only when we laboriously and doggedly reinforce the same old stuff that we find ourselves to be stuck in the same old rut with the same old excuses year after year.
Who do you want to be? To be like? What experiences would you love to have? How do you stop yourself, lie to yourself and use your fears as excuses to suppress your desires?
What if the jail of your mind were open, would you escape? Well it IS open, and you are the jailer.

‘Who we are’ changes, evolves, shifts. Memories are altered to fit our beliefs and expectations and under stress we uncover strengths and weaknesses we never dreamed were part of our personality. Even our likes and dislikes, beliefs, values, expectations change. Trying to ‘find yourself’ is like holding sand. No matter how hard you grip, most of it will slip between your fingers. The only way to ‘know who you are’ is to be present in the moment often, observe your thoughts and actions, accept how you are wired and then , in ‘knowing who you are in this moment’ you have some say-so in what future moments may look like.
The more we can notice and respond, the less we react, resist and fight.

Observe, accept, self correct…and we, through time become a blend of the person we aspire to be and the wiring we got through our upbringing. We can become exactly the person our gut tells us lives deep within our awareness…that strong, brave, kind, creative soul we’d like to be remembered as. You are not a prisoner of your personality. Your personality is just a template that you have the power to rearrange.

You can use imagery deliberately, to creatively alter, upgrade, transform the person you know yourself to be.
How would your life change if you did more what you enjoyed instead of what you thought you “should” do, put more time into helping yourself over helping others for now, and consciously removed from your life that which does not support your health and well being? Enter a reality in which you experience a day in your life that is an expression of this more self aware, satisfied version of yourself.

What if, instead of explaining, justifying and defending, you simply took action that benefited you and let the chips fall where they may?

Here’s a practice for Becoming A New You:
Every day for at least 6 weeks, Spend 15 minutes in a daydream ( meditation, visualization) in which you practice having experiences in which you act with clarity and feel powerful and happy as things work out quickly and well. You get the job, or the girl or the raise…you’ve been resigned to not having. Feel the outcome in your bones, because THAT’S what informs your subconscious to move you towards that experience. Suspend your lies about “the way things are” (and the way YOU are) long enough to revel in the joy of being and having for those 15 minutes. Then, let that developing inner version of yourself inform your thoughts, your decisions, and you can walk out of jail, free to have the life you want.

Reduce Stress, Get More Sleep

2009-07-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

Stress and Sleep go hand in hand. I mean, how much can you sleep if you fave flight/fight chemicals coursing through your veins, right?

It takes a while to wind down, sure, but if you tell yourself you HAVE to sleep less, MUST do more, and SHOULD be able to cope...well...you are asking for a Brick-To-The-Head event to help you get the memo to
S L O W D O W N.

If you are stressed, you require good regular sleep to recover. There will ALWAYS be something else to do, someone else with expectations, another task, job, meal, person to take care of...but let's face cold hard facts:
Without you, everyone would adjust and life would go on with just as much 'stuff' for the next person to do...or not do. You can enjoy your life, or drive yourself batty between here and the grave so, honestly, why don't you get a good night's sleep and let your mind and body recharge.

We NEED enough restful sleep to balance our hormones (yes, even you men), to clear out wastes, to repair cells, to recharge our brain, to discharge and work out emotional issues ...and so much more... so PLEASE go to bed. Create a bedtime routine that signals you to wind down and rest. Walk, meditate, watch a little boob-tube, read a book, do some yoga...brush, floss... whatever tells your mind and body it's time to go nite-nite. If you have trouble getting or staying asleep, check out these basics.

Here are some suggestions to help you Sleeeeeeeeeep

Noise, even fairly low level affects sleep because our Old Reptilian Brains stay on guard in case the noise ends up being an animal or an intruder. This is why TV’s in the bedroom make for lousy sleep and lucid dreaming. Try ear plugs if your neighbors are loud or your dog (or mate)snores. If you have small kinds and need to hear them, be sure you nap or meditate each day to help your system make up for that light restless sleep at night.

Light level is another critical factor in deep sleep and REM sleep. Too much light (for some, even a night light is too much) affects the percentage of brain chemicals that cause us to enter and exit sleep mode. Light in the bedroom is another hindrance to solid sleep. Use dark curtains, or try a satin blackout eye band. $4 at any drugstore or Target.

Room too hot. Fresh cool air and good air circulation also play a role in sound solid sleep. When we sleep our bodies are working hard eliminating toxins and cleansing the system. When it’s too hot, some of those processes are affected, again making for restless sleep and not enough REM time.

Eating before bed. Goes without saying that any food taken within 3 hours of bedtime will be digesting which also interferes with a good night’s sleep.

Not enough exercise. Lots of the time we exercise our mouths and our minds all the livelong day, and feel exhausted, but cannot settle down. Well, DUH...your body needs to be tired. Your body REQUIRES good sweaty exercise to discharge all that chemical stew you've been storing up all day. Just do it. Before dinner or after dinner...a bike ride, 45 minutes of cardio, a run, dancing, exceptionally energetic sex...whatever it takes...just give your body the work out it needs and I promise you that you won't be sorry.

Well, there are plenty of other sleep tips, but these ought to get you started...hell...I'm tired just writing about it...think I'll go meditate.

OH...The July Issue of Stress Wizard's Reality Check E-Newsletter is out. If you'd like to get it, just drop me a line with your email address.

Happy Napping...

Recognizing Stress & Some Quick Fixes

2009-07-14T17:19:00.001-07:00

A comment came in with a question about how to recognize signs of stress and what to do to relieve it quickly. So...here we go. First of all, what we think of as stress is the product of many small stress filled moments that are unrelenting. In other words , with 'normal" stress, there is a specific event (a mugger jumps out of the shadows) , and the chemistry that our brilliant mindbody produces gives us the ability to run like the wind or fight like a Ninja. the running and/or fighting uses up the energy produced by the fight/flight chemicals and we experience a recovery phase in which our basic functions like digestion, come back on line.

When we get easily annoyed, pissed off. irritated, judgmental and well, generally live in a hothouse of deadlines, time constraints, pressure and crazy making circumstances, we make little doses of the same fight/flight chemicals All Day Long. We have not however run a marathon or fought off 6 muggers, so we start to fry (literally) and experience stress related symptons.

These may include:
Trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, pushing elevator buttons that are already lit, anger on long lines in a store, feelings of overwhelm, restlessness, feelings of dread, IBS, constipation, lack of appetite, constant appetite, craving for salty/sweet foods or fats, irritability, fatigue, afternoon crash, acid reflux, skin problems, busy mind, forgetfulness, phobias, mild paranoia, road rage, jittery legs, inability to sit still, trouble waking up, overuse of coffee, red bull, sugar and other stimulants...and well...you get the point ...

Now, here are the top quick stress relievers that will bring down the levels of adrenanine and cortisol running wild in the streets of your inner landscape, and will cet loose the good balancing chemicals and hormones that let you breathe, digest your food and sleep ...ahhhh
1. Ten slow deep breaths. Really slow. With ALL of your attention on the sensations of breathing. If you do this every hour it will make a big difference,because it signals your brain to reduce the flight/fight teram.
2. Meditation . Any form guided, counting breaths, TM...whatever floats your boat. Learn it and do it for 20 minutes, even if you have to fir it in as a break or during lunch. before or after work does wonders also.
3. Exercise. Yes people real good old fashioned SWEAT is a big stress buster because (like running and fighting) it lets your body put the F/F team to good use, lifing, bike riding, swimming...whatever. But I don't mean wimpy half-assed pretend work outs, I mean real deal sweaty serious exercise. Get thee to a personal trainer if you have stress...or at least get a whop-ass video.
4. Music. Playing loud music, singing along or playing an instrument. All of these reduce stress and balance the brain.
5. Touch. Hugs. Massage. Wild sex. Good and good for changing the chemical channel .
6. Back to Basics Self Care: Eat whole foods every four hours and eliminate sugar, white flour and artificial sweetners. Stress burns out your system, eats up vitamin stores and generally screws up your immuine system. You NEED whole foods to restore your fried system if you have lots of stress. Quit moaning about how hard it is! It's no harder to carry an apple or banana than it is a candy bar or bag of chips, but it makes a HUGE difference to your body.
7. Laughter. really...tell jokes, rent comedy videos and take a minute or two to watch something funny on utube. This will also make a significant difference in your stress level.
8. Quit Pretending! Speak up! Stop staying 'yes' when you mean 'no' Ask for what you want, stop saying you are great when you feel like crap, and ask for freakin help when you need it. Start small and work your way up to the big stuff. You can doo eeeet.

OK...there are plenty more stress busting practices and habits but here are the 8 top tidbits that may not only help you get through the day but may even prevent that stress from taking years off you life and robbing you of life from your years!

Intention and Using Your Whole Brain

2009-07-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

Well once again I am just about to enter teaching the third week of The Intent Group and already we are having some amazing insights revelations and concree results. I am surprised and pleased by how much I get my own ass kicked into gear by participating as a group member even though I'm facilitating the program. The 'Two Minds" we have are extremely powerful when they work cooperatively, and screw up our lives royally when we don't listen to the wisdom of each inner perspective.

There are ‘two of us’ in each of us…a left brain based conscious mind with a linear focus of awareness and a right brain based subconscious with an all knowing, non-local awareness.
You are like a lighthouse, with the ‘local’ awareness being what view one can see out of one lighthouse window, while what you ‘really are’ is the entire 360 view.
Another image : consider that you are a pulsing consciousness…like a heartbeat…LUB-now we’re ‘here’ and DUB-now we’re everywhere/everywhen.
During the LUB or conscious ‘in time’ awareness we just cant hold all that other info at once so the mind and beliefs and expectation filter out much of what is available. However, in the ‘DUB’ or subconscious side of our awareness, everything is available. This is how/why you may suddenly see/know information from the past or the future. The aperture between the two sides of our consciousness is open and can, with practice, be utilized more consciously.

It's not right brain over left or left over right- WE NEED THE WHOLE DAMN BRAIN working cooperatively or as it is said..." A house divided against itself..."
And that's what's going on when we "hold an intent" and well...NOTHING HAPPENS...
we ned the thoughts, emotions and dare I say ACTIONS to be in agreement before a pile of dirt and seed can become a garden.

Imagine that for every intent, there is an already completed manifest outcome.
Your thoughts, beliefs, expectations, behaviors…are the forces that guide your inner GPS…ALL roads are already there…the ones that take you to the outcome quickly and the ones that take you there eventually and the ones that take you somewhere else completely and the ones that take you really close…but no banana…
These “roads” are the pathways through time and space that your GPS, when you put in the coordinates properly, will unfailingly take you to. HOWEVER, this inner system, run by the mind/body energy, will deposit you on whichever road best matches the existing parameters of your thoughts, expectations, beliefs and actions. This is why if you WANT something BADLY, the energy of WANTING , which is actually focused on the “not having” creates more of itself. In other words, you are unintentionally programming for the road of longing for the thing or experience. SO…the trick is to clearly image the end result as if you already have it, vividly see, taste, touch, feel how you feel with your desire fulfilled, and revel in the sensations of satisfaction this process generates. Like a magnet…you will find yourself on the path through space/time, and your thoughts/beliefs/actions etc…will become aligned.

This is a CONSCIOUS process, in which you will learn to cooperate with the vast capacity of your R-brain and it’s deep subconscious processing. Whole brain. You need the whole damn brain aimed in the right direction. It’s not hard…when you reach for a pen, pick up the phone, get out of bed, get in your car…an enormous number of alignments occur all initiated by intent. You know how to do this so quickly that it is invisible to you…EXCEPT when you just can’t seem to get something to happen…THEN the place to look is all about what is out of alignment…learn to ask what am I thinking/feeling/expecting/doing that does NOT support the outcome I say I want? When you get that piece, the rest is cake!

Anyway...just reminding myself...and you...to use your noodle...all of it...and then well...life will sort itself out in our favor.

Try a Mini-Vacation for Stress Relief and Renewal

2009-07-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went to Portland and had a mini vacation that left me feeling renewed, relaxed and excited about the things I saw. I traveled very light, left my laptop behind, and explored the beachfront, took pictures of huge rocks, bays, old growth trees, and all the things that excite me about nature. I visited a friend I have not seen in about 25 years and enjoyed the company, the conversation and the great breakfasts that we shared with laughter as we caught up on our lives.

If you think that you have to have two weeks away to recharge your batteries, think again. I can give you the recipe for renewal if all you have is a weekend to escape.

First stop complaining about not having time and/or money and take a weekend off. Visit someone you feel free to be 100% yourself with. If that's NOBODY go alone. Travel light and do not take work with you. Spend time in the sun to reset your rhythms and overcome jet-lag.
Get plenty of exercise especially out doors in the fresh air if possible. Do only things that REALLY interest you and take your time doing them. It's better to enjoy a few excursions that to rush around barely seeing what's in front of you. Eat good whole foods rather than use ' on vacation' as an excuse to eat crap that will make you feel tired, bloated and miserable.
Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry and rest when you are tired.

Not only did I have a needed break from my usual routine, I got to experience old growth forests, smell the sea air, walk beaches where huge dartk rocks the sice of buildings jutted out of the water like ancient animals frozen in time...I saw a lighthouse (one of only 7 like it in the world) with a hand cut crystal lens, walked the riverfront in downtown Portlans where bridges seemed to grow like intricate metal wildflowers across the water while boats drifted by, and there were also long talks, long walks and lots and lots of laughter.

SO, if you could use a little R & R this summer but you're thinking of skipping a vacation, I encourage you to al least take a weekend to reduce stress and renew. I promise, you'll be glad you did! Pictures will follow later this week!

2009-06-18T07:53:00.000-07:00

Come on...this is your invitation to ask me questions! You can post to the 'comments' any question you want. Whether you want advise or have a subject you want explored, or hell, even if you have a personal question about me that you want answered, I'm good with that too. Let's have some fun and get a conversation started. Anyone, Anyone??

Tell Yourself, "OK Bring It On!"

2009-06-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

Well the class I just finished facilitating really kicked my ass !
Sometimes I get criticism from my clients, not about my work or the quality of my coaching but because they seem to think that I 'should' be wealthy and I 'should' be thin and that if I was 'that good' well, damn it, I would be.
Sometimes I have bought into those judgments and have tormented myself with those thoughts. I decided that I needed someone to kick my ass the same way I kick ass and so I created the Intent Group, because I figured that if I did the same 'homework' I gave other people, my own life would change because I'd uncover some of my own lingering unconscious self sabotage...well, BOY OH BOY...
In the past ten weeks I have experienced a revolution of consciousness. Early on a friend died suddenly from a brain tumor that she thought was a sinus infection, making me intensly aware of the gift of my life exactly as it is. She had plenty of money and was zealous about looking perfect and having not an extra pound on her. Was she happier than I am? Did she live long and prosper? No. . . I got to thinking about my unused potential, about how I was playing small and so I consciously said to that vast ocean of awareness deep in myself... " OK, BRING IT ON!"
Well...
My meditation CD got produced. I visited my daughter in Denver, went to California to make a music CD, scheduled a trip to visit a friend in Oregon, started an extensive fitness program different from everything I've done in the past, got exactly the help I needed to revise my web site, placed ads for my CD, got excellent advise from friends, signed up for a training program in CRV (that's Controlled Remote Viewing) , had my first experience ever with Jury Duty during which the judge asked me to analyze her handwriting (yeah, no shit) , and even overcame my tecnological fear enough to start this blog. Well...

No I have not made my first million bucks, and yes my ass is still as wide as a barn door...but money and a sveldt healthy bod are no longer goals ." What?!", I hear you gasp... No, they are both results that I have no doubt will naturally occur as I continue down this new road I'm on.

I am am excited about what I am doing every day all day long. I am happy. I have many excellent intelligent people in my life and I have finally started asking the right people the right questions. Something has definitely shifted in my experience of myself and I am still saying " OK BRING IT ON !" because I feel like I'm just getting started.

Getting The Ball Rolling

2009-06-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

Well here I am writing my very first blog post, ever. I will be sharing my ideas, practices and discoveries about reducing stress, relating to people, being happy, and overcoming obstacles of all kinds. I am inviting you to submit your questions, issues and insights for discussion.

Since I was a very young girl, people walked up to me and revealed things about their lives and their difficulties, their secret hopes and sometimes even their deepest fears. As I grew up, my life's work naturally focused on the mysteries of human nature. I wanted to know what made some people in a terrible situation become strong, while others fell apart. What I know is that we human beings are far stronger and far more powerful than most of us realize, more than many of us even WANT to know, because with that realization comes responsibility. When we know that we are in charge of our lifes, we have to stop pretending that we are victims of circumstance, of fate, and of our parents. The good news is, that we are then truly free to be who we are, as we are- without any need to explain, defend or justify how we think and feel. The older I get, the more I relax about life and whatever it may bring. What about you?