HOW TO GET OUT OF THE JAIL OF THE MIND

Most of us get stuck in  the illusion, that if we only knew WHY we do that dumb thing we do, we’d just stop doing it. How many times have you said, “Wow, I’ll never do THAT again!” only to find yourself in the middle of the same bad movie script (crappy job, unhappy relationship, fight with your family) again down the road. Suppose you absolutely knew that you learned how to put up with crappy jobs from your father, or that you avoid staying married to prevent yourself from experiencing the pain your mother experienced when your dad died. Great, you know why. 

That and five dollars might get you a latte or a gallon of gas. But that knowledge does not inform your awareness about the thoughts, inner rules, and stories that  keep you running on that hamster wheel. Knowing HOW you do what you do gives you the magic key that opens the jail of the mind. The more consciously aware we are of the world around and within us, and the less we live in the world of our own thoughts, the better able we are to relax and respond to whatever happens. Learning to slow down just enough to observe our thoughts allows us to notice a story, a fear or a bias that otherwise would send us straight to Reactionville.  That ability to notice, observe, witness, be mindful...whatever ya wanna call it...is what gives us the answer to "How does this keep happening?"

The more “present” we are, living in and experiencing the world, the more we are able to separate our fear based assumptions and invented stories from our experience. The alternative, which many of us suffer with, is to live much of life in our heads, trapped in thoughts , worries, and assessments (many of which are compulsively, annoyingly repetitive) while missing important clues around and within us. We are tightly wound, tense, and reactive in much of our lives. This affords us little time or space to have the objectivity we need to distinguish between our pre-programmed bullshit and what's really going on.

HOW to start...Practice becoming more aware of your surroundings and more aware of the sensations and emotions in your body.  This awareness is packed with information and serves as a powerful guide to action. When we mostly live in our heads we invent a version of reality that we then confuse with what’s really going on in the world around us. We can even become radically out of touch with our own actions and motives. Surely you know at least one person who operates like this. Maybe it is you. 

Each of us has had days in which we felt “out of it” and days in which we think we can’t even find our own ass with both hands. Interestingly enough, finding your ass with both hands is exactly the right place to begin. Whether you are anxious, annoyed, tired, or just having an “off” day,  turn your attention to your body, and notice your breath, notice your thoughts , then come back to your body, feel your feet on the ground, look up and see the sky, be aware of the moment that you are in and aware of  all your senses.  Then, you will “wake up” a little. Your mind will become quiet after a few minutes. You will feel calmer, more able to focus. You may even have an insight about something or feel an urge to do something particular. Or not. You may just feel alive and at ease and maybe a little grateful in this world. Congratulations. That’s mindfulness. That’s how to Be Here Now. You don’t need chanting monks, a special room, or nag champa incense to be mindful. Just a little patience. Start there, and tell me HOW that works for you! 

RED WHITE AND I'M BLUE

On this Fourth of July I can't stop feeling concerned and sad that our country seems to be dividing across political, religious, racial, gender and class lines as if we have not learned a damn thing from our shadowed history.   

We are ALL Americans, the poor, the rich and the in-between.  No matter your color, your country of origin, your sexual preference, your religious or spiritual beliefs, or your political philosophy, in this country, we are all supposed to have equal rights, equal respect and equal treatment. It is an ideal that we have fought for, made laws to support, and amended the constitution to uphold. We cannot afford to head back in the opposite direction.

This does not mean that you or I must agree with or approve of the beliefs of all others, but it DOES mean, that to evolve as a healthy society, to be a united people, we must not use religious, political or class beliefs to harm others, to justify hate, or to inhibit the rights of life liberty and happiness for those with whom we disagree.

Equally important, we must refuse to tolerate hate crimes and hate rhetoric and to punish individuals and organizations that demonstrate actions or plans to commit actions that cause harm to others. We must hold people accountable for their actions. 

If those in government are not serving the best interest of the people, we must stop pretending that we are powerless, or that 'they' know more than 'we' do, and look at facts, check our sources, and remove from office anyone who is not upholding the law of the land, or acting in the best interest of the majority.

It is time to brainstorm for solutions as Americans...not as 'Christian' Americans, or 'White' Americans or 'Wealthy", 'Middle Class', 'Poor', 'Republican' or 'Democratic' Americans...but as the rich multi cultural people that we are.  Together we can rise above our petty differences and solve the issues that threaten our country, our democracy, and our future.

In times of crisis, we know how to pull together and cross all barriers to help each other regardless of the many ways we might otherwise divide ourselves. We are in crisis now. Please reach out so we can help each other stand as Americans, undivided, and co-create the future together

SENSITIVE DOES NOT MEAN REACTIVE

I get tired of people who tell others they are ‘sensitive’ when what they are is hair-trigger reactive. If you get angry or hurt or fly into drama mode at the drop of a hat, that my friend, is sheer reactivity. And if you try to get (guilt, force, manipulate) the people around you to change their behavior in order to help you manage your own mind, then I’d wager that you are a pain in the ass on top of being generally insensitive. Yes, there, I said it. Highly reactive people are usually insensitive awfulizers who attempt to self manage by getting everyone else up tiptoe around so they don’t have to own responsibility for dealing with their own stressed out, hair trigger temperment, which makes them the victim of their imagined dramas.

This is not sensitivity. This is cray-cray. And while reactive people do suffer, the solution is never getting others to take on keeping you from flying off the handle. But it’s a great way to set yourself up for having people whisper about you, and avoid you. Great martyr-making strategy, this fake sensitivity. So, while I would never tell a sensitive person to ‘toughen up’ I most certainly will tell a hyper-reactive person to Grow up.

Yes it’s hard. Yes you may need coaching, or therapy and maybe even some serious stress management training or a class in radical honesty to get the job done. But it’s worth the time and money. It’s far better to have a life that works than live in a miserable ongoing drama. So, in short, reactive people are self absorbed, not sensitive, and let’s not get the two confused. Sensitivity is not automatic reactivity. One is a state of awareness, and the other is a pattern of behavior.

I am a sensitive person. I hate to admit it, but for the sake of clarification, I will tell you what it’s like. Crowds make me tired and cranky, so do noisy restaurants and grocery stores. I can’t stand tags on my clothes. Weather changes profoundly affect my body and mood, and my left leg is a fine storm forecaster. An instrument or voice that’s slightly off key drives me bonkers. I can’t listen. It’s like the sound of a dentist’s drill to me. Sensitivity also has its perks.

Music speaks to me, and when I sing, especially in harmony with others, it is a sensual and spiritual experience. I feel things deeply. I am moved by beauty. I take pictures and I draw. I see and notice details others either miss or find inconsequential. I cry at movies. I laugh loud and hard when I am amused.

I can decode a recipe by taste and smell, and am a very good cook. I catch nuances in people’s movements and voices, which makes me good at coaching people. I can also tell when people are hiding something. I am aware of (sensitive to) subtle changes in the moods of others. Animals love me.

That’s not to say that I am never reactive. I am human. I get triggered.

But I own responsibility for taking care of myself whether that means walking out of a busy restaurant, or speaking my mind. I don’t shush the crowd or tell people I’m with to stop chewing loudly. My sensitivity is not their problem.

Just remember: Sensitivity is not automatic reactivity. One is a state of awareness, and the other is a pattern of behavior. Don’t tiptoe around reactive people and reinforce their issues with your compliance. Just sayin’,  that doesn’t help anybody.

HEROES AND VILLAINS

We have an unfortunate tendency to turn the people we like into saints, looking for only that which fits our glowing expectations of them, and on the flip side, we demonize people we don't like, looking only at whatever supports our belief that they are bad and wrong.  This is the murky bottom in which our conversations about politics and religion get stuck and fester. There's no fact that a 'true believer' will listen to when it punches a hole in the belief that has become part of  his identity.

This thinking corrupts our ability to consider the thoughts and strategies of others in trying to reform and upgrade the most pressing issues of our society.  We also use our beliefs - not reason, not facts, not reality- our beliefs- to justify positions that can and often do harm and hamper the lives of others.  You know this. I know this. Yet, we continue to post tweets and FB diatribes as if  those 'others', once they've been shows the 'facts' will surely come around.  What a waste of time and energy!

There are far too many people willing to 'slant' the facts, or invent lies to support their viewpoints, to think for a New York Minute that anyone will take the facts in random article or statement at face value. Fake News, otherwise known as LYING, is rampant, not just in the media, but in our daily lives.  Much of the time we, knowingly or not, tweak the tale, enhance the facts and spin our conversations to make us shine in a golden light while making sure that someone who has triggered our anger or hurt feelings is painted as a villain. 

 The most common form of lying is withholding- that is to say, telling anything less that the whole truth to manipulate or influence the way others understand a situation. Don't sell yourself the story that withholding how you think and feel or hiding what you really want, is in anyone's best interest.

One obvious place where this unfortunate habit bites us in the ass is in our romantic relationships. We  first try to see our new found love as that hero or heroine, that prince or princess we have been carrying around in our heads since childhood.  But, since many of us have not emotionally grown up, we try our best to make the person fit our belief of what an ideal partner should be, rather than actively getting to know the person before us. SO...when the discrepancies begin to appear, and we can no longer reconcile our expectations with the real deal human with moods and baggage we've got in our lives, it's easier to turn him or her into a villain and list all the ways in which said partner does not measure up. That partner has also been playing the game, trying to be on 'best behavior' and seeing you through that cracked lens of perfection, so once reality surfaces, the blame game follows.

Beware when someone thinks that you are their Hero, because the fall from that pedestal will be a harsh and painful awakening.  Similarly, when you catch yourself in the Blame Game, ask the question ," How did I contribute to the confusion and upsets I am experiencing?  If you put your attention on resolving your own bullshit, rather than trying to make others change, I promise, all of your relationships will improve.

The solution to the majority of our personal AND social ills starts in exactly the same place.
With Honesty. Not the Truth According to my Beliefs...but actual Honesty.  Start there. Insist on Honesty from yourself  and  your politicians. Use your Vote to make  Honesty a priority in the culture you live in. Open your mind. Read, research and consider new thoughts. Get involved to make changes that make a positive difference in the lives of those around you. This is how to be the Hero/ Heroine of your own life!

DETOXING FROM STRESS

When a giraffe races for its life across the savanna , the lioness giving chase can smell and taste the fear on the air. As she closes in for the kill, the chemicals coursing through the giraffe’s blood, numb it as the lion attacks, and that mercifully, will deaden the sensation of pain as it becomes , well... lunch.

If you have ever been seriously injured, you may have experienced something similar in the moments after the injury, when the injury is apparent, but you are in shock, and the pain is in muted in the background. These stress chemicals are wonderful gifts that help us survive under duress, however, that which protects us can also, in other circumstances, kill us.

Our ancestors experiences real threats to their survival with far more regularity than we do, but, since the wary survived, we have inherited a highly attentive nervous system, which, for some of us, mistakes everything from an opinion we don’t like to a slow driver as a threat. We know this because our adrenaline spikes, and we feel irritated, edgy, and sometimes obsessively unable to unhook from thinking about the irritant. When we live this way, moving from one upset to the next, the chemicals that serve us when we are actually in a life-threatening situation, continue to rise. Over time, we become defensive, easily triggered by everything from the news, or some random post on Facebook. 

When life feels like a bag of hornets, rather than a blow of cherries, we become numb, just like the giraffe, and instead of being able to see, feel, smell and hear the lovely world around us, we rush through our days, head down, as if the lioness is at our back. Most often, we have no idea we are living this way until a stress related illness or an accident caused by our mental exhaustion, stops us dead in our tracks. Hopefully not dead. But yes, unregulated stress will most certainly take us out. 

So, if your life resembles an assembly line of daily stress, now is the time and today is the day to get a grip on what your thoughts are doing to you. Here's more info.

“ The morbidity and mortality due to stress-related illness is alarming. Emotional stress is a major contributing factor to the six leading causes of death in the United States: cancer, coronary heart disease, accidental injuries, respiratory disorders, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3341916

So, here are four things you can do to break the habits that keep you all stressed up with no place to go:

1.Challenge your thoughts. Catch yourself when you go off on a negative tangent or a downward spiral fueled by irritation. Notice, interrupt and revise the train of thought this way: take a breath, perhaps ask ‘how important is this, really, in the big picture of my life?’, and then with another breath, deliberately bring your attention to a counter thought and/or something physical...like the feeling of clothes against your skin, or the color of the sky, or the taste of your coffee. Notice, breathe, redirect, repeat.

2. Another stress reducing practice that greatly reduces overall reactivity is to set aside time (ESPECIALLY if you think you ‘have no time’) to do nothing, mindfully every day. That means not allowing you mind to ruminate, list-make, complain or bully you. Do Nothing, for 20-30 minutes. That Nothing could look like sitting quietly out in nature, meditating in your favorite chair, lying in a hammock, or listening to your favorite music. Look, you have to retrain your mind. That shit’s not going to happen all by itself and more than a new puppy is going to train itself. If you wish and hope that dog will quit taking a dump on your rug, but you don’t regularly and mindfully take the dog out, or interrupt it when you see it squat on your Persian, your success rate will be Zero. Zip. Nada.

So yes, re-training you mind, requires attentive effort, and the results, which include greater clarity, less irritation, better sleep, less illness, fewer accidents, and improved relationships are Worth Every Minute it takes you to unhook from stress making habits.

3. Don’t feed the Beast. Watching the news, focusing on fear and intensity producing TV shows that are about crime, and engaging in complaint-based conversations that offer no solutions about people, and the world are just squirting fuel on the fire...the one in your gut, nervous system and liver! Instead, for kicks, find the comedy channel, try YouTube and watch something you’ve always wanted to know more about, crank up the music, dig out a board game, read an entertaining book, or in all else fails, try cartoons. Add some lightness, p;lay, fun and laughter to you days and that will give you some feel good chemistry.

4. Practice Kindness. Look, it’s a very practical thing. When you cultivate relationships that are reciprocal rather than transactional, you feel safer, connected, included, accepted.

Very simply put, quit score keeping, and start sharing or helping only when you want to. If you are eating something delicious and want someone enjoy the taste of it, that’s reciprocal, but if you grudgingly offer a taste because they gave you a cookie yesterday, that’s transactional. 

At least for the purpose of this conversation, I’d like you to use this distinction, and not overthink it. Kindness not contract. Simply that.

I invite you to develop ways of spreading good news, laughter, positive support, and active solution finding as a new way of moving through your life. I am in no way suggesting that you fake it up and become one of those smiley-faced pretenders. I am asking that you investigate ways to reduce your own stress, and the stress of those you love, by letting go of the thoughts and habits that have you running across the savanna every time you drive to work or sit in a meeting, or hear the news.

Come, dance under the stars with me...and Breathe.

Come, dance under the start with me, and breathe.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GROWN-UPS GONE

There’s a huge difference between being an adult and trying to ‘act’ like one. Being a functional grown-up is more than being able to balance a checkbook and hold down a job. You can do the ‘things’ that you imagine an adult does, and still be an unhappy, frightened adolescent-at-any-age. Following rules and keeping social contracts might look like adulting, but life is far more than a series of bargains and manipulations in which mutual back scratching is the expected form of relating.

If the majority your decisions are being made with the expectation of payback or reward, it’s only a matter of time before you feel betrayed, confused and angry as others refuse to subscribe to your juvenile version of relating. No matter how much apparent success wanna-be adults  seems to have, what sets them apart is the core feeling if isolation. Those stuck in adolescence become cut off from authentic contact with others, and are too afraid to take off the mask they’ve spent decades creating, perfecting and defending.

A would-be grownup may espouse honesty, but will lie, exaggerate and look away from inconvenient truths. Adults embrace their values for their own inner sense of rightness, not because it will earn them a gold star or a high five. An adult shuns dishonesty not because it would suck to get caught lying, but because acting against one’s core values makes adults feel shitty whether or not anyone else knows what they’ve done.

By this measure, our culture is sadly lacking in the number of genuine grown-ups available to run the important stuff, especially troubling in the current political climate. In other words, without enough functional grown-ups populating society, we are well and truly screwed. The good news is this: We can grow ourselves up, as long as we're not too far gone.

Some people get developmentally stuck when significant neglect or abuse, trauma or war interferes with the conditions required to move into adulthood. Others are simply children of parents who never emotionally developed beyond their own adolecsence.

Lots of people go to their graves never having known the satisfaction of being relaxed, self assured adults who know that they are the authority in their own lives. You probably know a few perpetual drama queens- and kings- who feel victimized by their job, spouse, world or 'whatever', and live small, codependent lives. They alternate between being the good girl/boy and the whiny sarcastic or withdrawn or passive aggressive ‘rebel’. Sound like teenagers? You betcha! The more deeply  stuck people are in their adolescent patterns, the more chaos, gloom, accidents, drama, bad luck, anger, jealousy and general reactivity they carry around.

Some people can ‘adult’ pretty well in one area of life, like work for example, then turn into self-absorbed high school snots in their relationships.So pay attention. You won’t magically ‘grow up’ just because you age. In fact, some people get worse, more dug in, oblivious, delusional, irrational and , well...more like an adolescent as time passes.

You can help yourself (and your kids if you have any) by taking steps that move you closer and closer to adulthood. You will receive all the benefits of owning responsibility for being an active agent in your life. Your relationships will improve, your stress will decrease, you’ll care less about what people think and more about doing what makes you happy. The bonus is, that unlike the dreary picture of adulthood that teenagers envision, you will discover that you are more fun, spontaneous, playful and laid back than you ever were as an adolescent.

What can we do to grow ourselves up?

1. Observe your thoughts and notice how much you are attached to ‘bargaining’ rather than relating.

2. Begin to deliberately trade your ‘rules’ and obligations for your honest preferences.

3. Practice telling the truth about what you want, how you feel, and what you think.

4. Take charge of the noise in your head. Stop believing your habitual compulsive thoughts.

5.Become the kind of person you admire. How? Take an inventory of your habits and actions. Create a plan to interrupt and replace the worst self-defeating , insecurity driven, worry laden thoughts.

6. Stop bargaining for rest, for pleasure, for love. Make time and room for them.

7. Get in touch with your real values. What matters to you? What makes you feel good in the long term, not the quick fix kind of way.

8. Get help if you get stuck. Coaching, therapy, a group of friends that hold each other accountable- whatever it takes, get the support you need to grow up.

Raven

raven@stresswizardcoaching.com

216-526-1667

MAKING A LIFE

For years I have been walking the line between doing what I want to do and doing what I imagined I needed to do to:   1.make a living, 2.be a good mom/grandma 3.be available to help those who ask for help. Recently, I have become painfully aware of how much time and energy I have spent doing something other than creating the life I really desire. So...changes are in progress.

I don't know whether or not I will go broke, or lose friends, or piss off my kids...but I DO know that I am done living a half life, rather than a full life. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy most of the time. I am definitely not bored. But I am also not challenged in the way I want to be challenged- creatively and intellectually. I have been sitting with this rift between what I do and what I want to do for quite some time, and I now understand how I have been cutting corners where my own sense of fulfillment and joy is concerned. 

So, here's what I'm gonna do, I am rearranging my time, to serve my passions, dreams and desires.

I want, need and love to write. I have at least a few books in me, a host of poems, and dozens of songs. They itch to grow, to develop, to break into the world, and I will get out of their way.

Nature is my sanity, my solace, my muse. I will return to my long time practice of walking at least an hour a day, starting this week. And I will continue to photograph and draw nature.

My friends, who are more family than friends to me are scattered across the country. I want more time with them, more long talks, late nights and belly laughs. So, I will travel for pleasure, for love and  for joy, rather than wait for business to give me a 'reason' to travel. Yes, this will be a challenge.  I am up to it. I don't know how I will finance this plan, but my gut tells me, it will work itself out.

My life has been filled with extraordinary people and experiences, hard losses and magical coincidences,  and I have never really told my whole story, to anyone. It is time.

I want to be the Grandma that shares the Old Ways, the wise ways of nature and herbs, and seasons and cycles, with my granddaughter. To that end I am collecting things that will stimulate her interest, finding books and projects we can do together, and looking forward to the summer so we can dance in the moonlight and count the stars.

None of these things will matter if I am not in good health. So far so good, but let's face it, at my age (63 in case you are wondering) regular 'maintenance' gets time consuming and sometimes, expensive. It's time to crank up the dial on my fitness plan, and whittle my weight down to a level that satisfies me rather than frustrates me. I am giving myself the gift of time and effort required to make it so.

When I read through my list I feel free, optimistic, nervous, and a little afraid. Making a life rather than 'letting life happen' is an adventure, a challenge and a work of art.  It is also a balancing act, a responsibility to live my life fully, rather than just scratch the surface of what I know myself to be capable of. So, there it is. Here I am. 

I hope these words have inspired you to Make a Life for yourself as well...to push the envelope, take some risks, stretch yourself, and invite more Joy into your life.

XO
Raven