CHOOSING HAPPINESS Part One

For so many people, life is a cocktail of obligation and stress with moments of ease, pleasure and connection…but not too much pleasure…and only if it’s ‘earned’. Sounds crazy, right?   It is.
Some people learn to choose happiness, and experience a background of connection and ease with moments of stress.  Less stress, greater ease means you’ll have more time, better health, fewer conflicts and faster resolutions to those you do have. Better than all that is the feeling of expansion, of ‘rightness’ that slowly becomes the norm rather than the exception.

Let me be clear: By suggesting that you choose happiness, I am NOT suggesting that you live in some unicorn-filled fairy land in which you put on a happy face…far from it. What I am suggesting is that you STOP living in the consensual trance that uses fear and approval to keep you doing what you don’t want to do for people for people whose opinions do not matter.

 You can alter the way you experience life by dedicating yourself to practices which will set you on a far more satisfying path than the one you may be on. Start Here…

 

Practice One: Trust your experience and your body (your senses) more than your mind. Your mind will present old repetitive thought patterns as if those thoughts are the truth and the promised outcome will be your reality. It’s bullshit a lot of the time. The mind lies.  Notice…If you keep doing the same thing and you get the same unsatisfying results , whatever you’re doing isn’t working for you. Your mind may tell you to do it louder, repeat it more, explain, defend and justify yourself….UG…no. Do. Something. Else.

“It is estimated that about 95% of our seemingly conscious “choic­es” are not choices at all, but behavioral decisions predetermined by our past associations. This, combined with our tendency to skip over or dismiss the information we receive as hunches, intuitions, and sensations, keeps us stuck.” From the Book of How

 One way to start playing with this practice is to discipline yourself to say yes when you mean yes and NO when you mean NO. So often stress is produced by saying ‘yes’ to please, to look good, to gain favor or to obligate someone, rather than feeling that YES in the gut. So please start here. Stop before you agree to do something and check in with yourself.

Do what makes you happy. Don’t do what makes you miserable.  And this does not mean to go tell people what they should do, so you can be happy! Learning to choose Happiness, is all about being responsible for and kind to yourself. You don’t have to defend, justify or explain a ‘no’ answer. Would you try to explain why you don’t like broccoli?  No.  Enough said. Carry on.

Practice Two: Restoring  Basic Kindness. Rest when you feel tired. Eat when you are hungry. Go to the bathroom when you gotta go. Sounds easy, right? Well here’s your two week challenge: See how often you can catch yourself ignoring, denying or suppressing the bodily sensations that tell you to eat, rest or eliminate…and give yourself permission instantly to give your body what it’s asking for. I hear your mind right now, arguing the case to postpone, so knock it off.  Breathe. Connect. Eat, Rest, Eliminate.

OK…I’ll be back in 2 weeks with the 2^nd installment of this conversation. Feel free to direct your thoughts to me at raven@stresswizardcoaching.com

THE MYSTERIOUS WORLDS WE LIVE IN

People often tell me things they won’t tell other people for fear they’d be laughed at or ridiculed.   Many times, the experiences they relate have a mysterious quality…something that expanded the way they think of the way reality works. Lately, I have realized how very important it is that these experiences are heard, validated and explored.  Not because we will explain or solve them, or even fully understand them, but because if they are denied and ignored we are robbed of their value. Mysterious yet real experiences  impact our lives, sometimes in profound ways.  When we consider that our Deep Mind, our subconscious mind, is the part of our awareness making the vast majority of our decisions (even though we believe otherwise) it would be wise to begin attending to the information and experiences which come through its gates.

“ Your conscious mind is like a tiny stowaway on a transatlantic steamship, taking credit for the journey without acknowledging the massive engineering underfoot.” INCOGNITO, The Secret Lives Of The Brain by David Eagleman

 Sure, some people are nuttier than a convention of squirrels. I’m talking about hearing very credible people, among them, policemen, doctors and nurses share incredible experiences of visits from the dead, dreams warning of a disaster, synchronicities that led them down a certain path, precognitive visions, and much weirder tales. 

I am writing this blog to tell you plainly, that these mysterious events we  have are real…That our reality is embedded in a larger deeper reality, and that we can awaken more consciously to this interplay between the seen and unseen worlds.  As we do this, we evolve.  This is not supernatural or paranormal woo-woo…it is the next step in our development as human beings to integrate more of the information (signals, frequencies, realities) that lie just at the edges of our perception. 

 

 There are PLENTY of things that are quite real that we cannot see or hear. Ask any scientist if you want a quick education in the limitations of our sensory system compared to the input that’s available.  Yet, it is the nature of our minds to develop, grow, expand and evolve…and I am inviting you to ‘step out of the closet’ and share your experiences, coincidences, visitations, encounters and dreams.

 

 A few experiences that have been shared with me:

A mother, (also an ER doctor) was almost home from work at 2:30am when she saw a large owl swoop down in front of her car…Without knowing why, she turned the car around and headed back towards the hospital, jumping on the highway to get there faster.  A few minutes from the exit she saw a car on the side of the road and realized suddenly it was her daughter’s car. She pulled over and discovered that the car had run out of gas while her daughter was on her way back from a wedding reception. The daughter thought mom had received her text, but mom’s phone was still in her locker at the hospital.

A Hospice nurse was attending a woman who was actively dying. Mrs. X, would occasionally wake and ask for her brother, who was on a flight in from California. The woman sat straight up, looked at the empty doorway with a radiant smile, said “There you are!” and died. They noted the time of death as 2:27ET.  Forty minutes later hospice received a phone call to notify them that Mrs. X’s brother who had had a lay-over in Denver, collapsed and died of a heart attack at the airport. He was pronounced dead at 2:25 ET.  The attending nurse was certain he’d come to get his sister.

There’s a former client who made or refused business deals (worth millions) based on whether or not he got the right sign from the universe. He was well -known for his ’nearly magical and uncanny’ business acumen. What people didn’t know was that he waited for a sign from pigeons. If he got the sign, he signed and if not, not. But for him, it was 100% reliable. Once, he was in a meeting on the 23rd floor of a building, negotiating with the CEO of a huge company that really wanted the deal. The CEO wanted him to sign right then and there- something this guy never ever did without a pigeon report. Just as he got up and walked towards the window to take a break from the meeting and grab a coffee, a pigeon smashed into the glass and plummeted 23 floors to the pavement. He did not sign, and oh yeah, that business went down the drain when the CEO was arrested for fraud later that year.

This is not coincidence. This is communication.  When we enter the woods, there is always a hand that can show us the way back home…I am reminding you that the world as you think it is, is  filtered by your beliefs and expectations. Seeing isn't believing...open mindedness allows deeper seeing.  Through these mysterious experiences you can have glimpses of the true nature of the complexity of the natural world and the magnificent nature of the being that you are.

If you have had unexplainable experiences feel free to share them with me. Send to:  raven@stresswizardcoaching.com.  I will listen with an open mind.  I have had plenty of edgy experiences myself, and my life has been shaped by them in remarkable ways.

IS THE GRIM REAPER REALLY GRIM?

Death is inevitable.  This is something we deny, hide from, think of as failure and pretend will never happen to us.  We pump embalming fluid into the bodies our dead, seal them in expensive air-tight satin filled boxes and pretend that they will be preserved as we remember them forever.

We barely mourn because we don’t have permission to fully express our grief without being shushed, or told they’re in a ‘better place’ or that they’re not dead, just transformed. Well fine. The dead may be alive elsewhere (and I'm fairly sure that they are), but their warm flesh will forever be missing from our arms once they have shrugged off their bodies. Mourning is healthy natural, and useful.  We may find ourselves kinder, more attentive and more present to the living if we face the reality that everyone we know will leave us someday- unless of course, we leave them first. Death reminds us to Live- and to value and appreciate our loved ones today.

We live in a culture in which death is seen as  ‘failure’, rather than as a passage that we attend to with intention and the fullness of our presence.  We have made Death out to be a villain, the Bad Guy.  The Grim Reaper. Yet  Hospice workers, those who live in the presence of Death constantly are some of the happiest,  most aware people I have ever known. 

My life has been framed by death. My father was an embalmer and funeral director, so I had a front row seat when it came to all that goes into making a body ready for burial, not to mention living upstairs from the host of grieving people and the slow parade of  dead that passed through the funeral home.  I have had plenty of firsthand, experience also- starting with my Mother who died suddenly just after I’d turned 14 and my Dad who  died when I was 21.  

Death is not evil and is certainly not failure.  If we allow ourselves to truly consider and contemplate our own deaths, something wonderful and life affirming happens.  We make better choices, we spend time on what is important, we stop sweating the small stuff, we give up fighting over petty grievances…we grow up. People who have experienced  a brush with death or the experience of losing many loved ones, often develop a kinship with death. One in which Death is a Guide, Teacher and Ally rather than a Grim Reaper to be feared and avoided.

Death, when he comes for me, will not be Grim. He will be beautiful and shining, and he will hold open a magnificent door, and hold out his hand to guide me across to that lovely place where I will be welcomed and celebrated by those who have gone before me. And I will smile at him and take his hand. In the meantime, I intend to Live and Love with every ounce of my being, I will play hard and enjoy all the wonders life offers, so than when Death comes, I will have no regrets.

 

 

 

Those who attend to the dying know that there is something mysterious and magnificent happening as we approach death. Here is  an article & a video, if you wish to deepen your appreciation of this subject. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/02/health/dreams-dying-deathbed-interpretation-delirium.html?_r=0 

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbnBe-vXGQM     TedX talk

 

 

 

 

 

NOBODY'S HAPPY ALL THE TIME

Two potent skills that that I highly recommend developing are self-awareness and living more in the moment than in your head. These are attainable and worthwhile aspirations, yet neither will give you a life in which you are La-Dee-Da happy all the time.

Those chipper, cheerful people with the perpetual smiles and overly friendly voices who spout positivity the way pigeons drop turds on statues are, if you watch carefully, holding a mask in place that covers an ordinary human with ordinary moods underneath the façade. It’s exhausting to be ‘on’ all the time, not to mention phony.

 

Nothing will deliver a fully conflict free, stress free life. And that’s OK. We’re designed to handle and grow from the challenges of loss, uncertainty, change and conflict.  In fact, when we have challenges that make us break old patterns, think outside the box, learn new skills and develop new ways of navigating life we are actually happier and healthier! We require a certain amount of friction through which we evolve, get smarter, feel accomplished, learn what we’re good at and discover when to ask for help.

So if you imagine that you can or should attain some mindset in which you’d  never be angry, sad, hurt, or annoyed …just stop tormenting yourself right now. Yes, there will be challenges,  BUT you can face those challenges with grace and openness, rising to meet them rather than feeling like a victim. Here’s how to start…

 

By shifting you attention from the stories, events and beliefs that trigger feelings of fear and helplessness to noticing what is going right in your life and in the world, you can create a background feeling of safety and rightness to rely on when those conflicts come your way. 

Get out of your head ...and into your body.

I have a friend who calmed himself throughout a long ordeal of chemotherapy, exactly this way. He constantly interrupted the endless loop of doom stories his mind by noticing the kid laughing down the hall, watching the clouds cross the sky, asking for a foot-rub, playing cards with his nephew...until over time, he told me he just got to a place in which he knew, even if he died, especially if he died, he was not going to waste any moments that he COULD be enjoying.

   

That is the key to having a life grounded in happiness. Not perpetual happiness without anger or fear  or irritation, but a life in which returning to happiness is something that you know how to do and can do reliably.    Learning how to notice what is good and right in your life, in your heart , in others and in the world every day is good medicine. Good for your health, your relationships and every other aspect of your life. 

This one practice makes all the difference when you’re not feeling happy.  It shows you how to still take in the pleasure of a sunrise, or the comfort of a friend rather than isolate yourself and feel like a victim. It helps you see what you’ve done well regardless of mistakes you’ve made…and best of all, with time, you will come to a place of knowing- a feeling deep in your bones- that in times of trouble, someone, somehow will always have your back. 

 

A NEW LOOK AT LOVE

Well, next month is valentine's Day, so we are inundated with hearts and flowers and notions of romance. But really...what is love? It's much bigger that the brief romantic encounters we have- deeper than the sentimental Hallmark movies, and ultimately, more important to us than anything else in our lives. 

 

We long for it. We fear it. We fall into in and out of it. We withhold it from ourselves, and seek it even though it’s around us and inside us. It is the force that creates and sustains the world.  What if, just for a moment, you stopped trying to feel worthy of love, quit wondering if you were loved, stopped seeking love and simply allowed yourself to have the love that is already always waiting for you? Let the appreciation that others have for you wash over you like a gentle breeze. Let yourself feel the embrace of the sun above and the ground below you. Love is vast and ever-present.

What if you stopped idealizing, sentimentalizing and romanticizing love just for a minute? You might begin to recognize that we are all ‘in love’- much the same way that fish are in water. It surrounds, supports, nourishes, penetrates us. It is possible, when we stop striving, seeking and obsessing, to notice that love simply is.

When we try to put love into words, we end up with categories…romantic love, familial love, brotherly/sisterly love, parental love, self-love…and we have made up plenty of rules and stories about how all those relationships are ‘supposed’ to look.  Yet, when we feel loved, whether by a friend, a spouse or a dog we are ‘ourselves’ no longer putting on an show or trying to ‘win’ love.

The common ground that all forms of true love share is acceptance. To be seen and known and accepted as we are- warts and all. This is one reason we gravitate towards having pets. We are free to love and feel loved by a dog or cat no matter what we do or don’t do. No matter what failures or faults we may have. Love is a level of acceptance in which we identify with the ‘other’ as part of ourselves. When we love, we overlook  faults, get mad and get over it, and feel at ease and connection rather than longing.  

So…the more willing we are to be kind to ourselves, and to let go of the harsh critical way we talk to ourselves, the easier it becomes to know that love has always been patiently waiting for us.  As my friend Mark said, “We have to stop being Shouldaholics”…to experience Being in Love. So stop a moment, and allow Love to catch up.

 

My experience tells me that we are made from the love that we seek, that love is a conscious thread connecting everything and everyone, and that we can experience all the wonder and brilliance that love is, any time we choose. Living in Love is freeing and healing. And I don’t mean feeling agog with sappy sentimentality- on the contrary- the Love we are in is a potent, fierce, powerful, creative energy which burns bright with clarity and purpose.

Just for the next few minutes, I invite you to pause, and let yourself feel that you are Seen and Known. You are Accepted and Valued as you are.   You are loved.

  XO

Raven 

PS: If you’d like to experience what I am expressing in this post, check this out.

http://www.stresswizardcoaching.com/#!classes-and-workshops/f0fes

SEVEN TIPS FOR HOLIDAY HAPPINESS

1. Shopping: Instead of getting frantic about presents, remember that what many people would prefer is time. Give a gift of babysitting, or doing a friend's laundry a few times, or cooking a few meals for someone.

2. Take care of yourself no matter what. Look, if you're fried it just doesn't matter that 'everything got done' . If you feel like crap or your nerves are toast, you will may become a seething dark cloud in the corner rather than a joyful participant.
So...sleep, take breaks, breathe...

3. Ask for help. Even if you'd just like someone to go shopping with you, making jokes and having fun will bring life and joy to the task.

4. Don't do what you don't want to do.  Find creative solutions. If you don't want to make the pies, hand out the recipes or buy pies, or hey...get a fruit basket and say you're the voice of healthy for the holidays. (Ok maybe not that last one, LOL)

5. Put on some music. Does not have to be Holiday music, but it can be if you like. Music while you do other things will help relax your mind, and you will be more in the moment and less in your head thinking about what you have to do next.

6. Use gift bags instead of wrapping. Easier, cheaper, faster and just as attractive. If you just neeeed ribbon, tie some to the handles.

7. Put yourself on your shopping list. Get yourself something that you want that will please you. A book, a massage something that will give you some ease in the midst of all the Busy.

A Thanksgiving to Remember: You're Invited, Bring the Turkey.