EMBRACING YOUR WIGGY WHEEL

We are all a little off, odd, even hinky in our individual ways. We each try to hide from others those peculiar idiosyncratic thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that we imagine might put people off, and may cause us not to be liked, accepted or loved.  This hiding does not serve us in any way, in fact, the cultural ‘norm’ that has us trying to protect our ‘image’ and strive (uselessly) to look ‘good’, is sabotage of the worst kind.

 We are each like a shopping cart with a wiggy-wheel!  Granted, some of us have wheels that wobble, squeak and drag more than others, but we ALL have them…and we’re all trying to go in a reasonably straightish line down the aisles of life without smashing through the displays or running each other over. That requires our attention, and there will be some mishaps along the way because life is messy. It’s sometimes peppered with the adventures we have while careening at breakneck speed through some part of life only half aware (if that)  what we’re doing. We flail, we crash, our wiggy wheel catches on a lover or a stranger and down we go. We forgive, hug, cry, laugh, make love, fight and do all the other messy things life offers.  And it’s all all right. We carry on.

If we embrace our seeming strangeness, and allow ourselves to not only accept, but have fun with the way our wheel squeals or pulls to the left, then something wonderful happens.   We reveal ourselves. Others get to know us. They put their guard down and we get to know them too. Ahhh. Intimacy. Not judgment and rejection. Acceptance and good humored alliance. What we were taught about image, political correctness, being  careful, and hiding our weirdness was ALL wrong information.  The more we reveal ourselves, the easier time we have navigating through this glorious marvel we call life. When we pull to the right and someone pulls to the left we know how to adjust. It’s when we try to hide how we are, then conflict and attempting to avoid conflict (which never works) becomes our lifestyle.

So relax. Squeak on. Let others know the ways in which you are jiggy and wiggy. Invite others to be straight with you too. Embrace that within yourself and others which makes us human, related, and kind.

A CHAT WITH ME, MYSELF & I

You talk to yourself, right? Of course you do. Have you ever wondered which self is doing the talking, and which self is listening? Here’s something I’ve noticed about the 3 Selves I know myself to be.  You'll recognize your own Selves, too...
 

First, there’s little Me. The small self that is chock full of worries and fears, shoulds and judgments, self-criticism and Victim thinking. This is likely to be a ghost of our childhood, infected with whatever dysfunctional family virus has neither been faced nor accepted. It’s generally a pain in the ass, and gets our attention wandering away from our experience. Wherever we may still be stuck in past fears and resentments fuels this immature, ego driven,  insecure, approval seeking Self.  

This voice can make us feel dissatisfied and anxious even when our health, income and relationships are doing just fine. This self uses the Reasoning Mind to create Reasons that justify everything from our bonehead decisions to delusional expectations. This Voice seduces us to live in our heads. It’s useful for having us investigate potential threats, but it also sees threats behind every door, so, we have to do a Reality Check when this self natters on and on.

Then there’s our Other Self, our "Real" Self…the Person We Know We Could Be…that grand, talented, self-aware Mythic Self.  OurSelves as The King, Queen, Muse, Hero, Heroine or God/Goddess, in the story of our life. This is our Deep Self. Full of insight, courage, humor, creativity, focus…and bearing whatever special talents we happen to possess. This is the warm bright Voice that floods the mind and body with hope, optimism, the pleasure of experience and gratitude for your life. This Self, gifts us with creativity, gut feeling, satisfaction, self-confidence, humor, compassion and acceptance. 

We’re not as accustomed to listening to that Voice.  This Self accesses the Reasoning mind to test, to validate or disprove through experience and inquiry what works for you and what doesn’t.  This Voice encourages us to live experientially in action in the world.

And another Self is the Witness, the I AM- that “Still Small Voice” that observes without judgment all that we do and fail to do, all that we suffer and all that pleasures us…as if the very fact that we exist, that we breathe and AM is enough, no matter what the experience, grand, ugly or somewhere in between. Our Witness spinning yet in infinite stillness...a point of grounding, silence, and Being.

When we are still, we can notice the fears and follies of the Small Self, and instead of being bowled over by them, we can call on our Mythic Self for direction and courage to act. 

When you find yourself  heading down the Rabbit Hole, or about to board the Crazy Train, take a breath, find that moment between inbreath and outbreath when everything is still, and find the Self that is beyond  turmoil and impervious to conflict; the I Am which is the balance point…providing the connection and peace that allows us to live is Joy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHOICE AND RESPONSIBILITY

To have power in our lives, we must accept the consequences of our choices. Unfortunately, what seems to be free will choice is often a product of our bias, and of our unconscious filters that blind us to any reality that does not fit with the way we want things (or people) to be.  When we fail to challenge our own minds, and neglect the responsibility of testing our own assumptions, we then have to live with the uninformed decisions we have made and their unintended consequences.
                
I stand for a world in which women are treated with equal respect and given equal opportunities and equal pay as men. I stand for a world in which our bodies are sacred and our reproductive rights are upheld. I stand for a world in which people of all colors and all gender orientations are safe from persecution. I vow to strive every day to make my actions reflect inclusiveness, compassion, and tolerance for those different from me.

I want to believe that each of us doing this in our own hearts, families and neighborhoods, is enough. The truth is, I don’t know.  We MUST find and reach the tipping point that allows the good of the many to outweigh the needs of the few.

 So I will also say this as well: that I will fight, protest, march on Washington and participate in a revolution if necessary to protect those who are bullied, persecuted and threatened.  To do any less, is to agree to take a giant evolutionary step backwards.

Not on my watch.

Stand with me. Stand up for what is good and right in people and in the world. Stand against passivity that permits racism and sexism to flourish. Stand for a world in which we evolve consciously, set aside our differences, and unite for our greater good.

THE DISEASE OF BLIND OBEDIENCE

When we are taught to be obedient, rather than how to be self-referent thinkers, our common sense and inner moral compass , as well as our health and happiness is at risk. Obedience turns us into zombiis- it dampens our humanity and robs us of our faith in our own ability to notice and respond authentically.  What, you say? We neeeed obedience? No. Not blind obedience, absolutely not. 

 Even children in primary school can learn cooperation and communication rather than blind obedience. Sure…there are a few (very few) circumstances in which obedience is life saving : fire drills, military operations, imminent tornado or flood warnings…but these are the exception rather than the rule.  This kind of knee-jerk obedience is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a healthy way to live.

The worst part is that so many people believe that they are not blindly obedient, when they obviously are. Obedience is an old and deeply rooted  pattern that we are indoctrinated with from a very early age. We are told in implicit and explicit ways to ‘Do what your parents, teachers, doctors, clergy, religion, leaders say…because they know better than you do what is good and right for you.’ This is a dangerous and life sucking lie.

 

Ask yourself honestly how often you really check in with your OWN mind and gut to make decisions rather than defer to your spouse, parent, doctor, media, magazine articles…blabla bla…to TELL you what to do. If you are honest with yourself you might just look in the mirror and see a sheep looking back.  There are lots of Sheeple. Do not resign yourself to that life.

People who know how to think on their own are not victims, they  are the authors- the authority- in their own lives. They learn from their mistakes, think critically, use their intuitive senses, and fact-check before believing any ‘authority’ blindly.  Do not blindly trust any authority. History is written by the winners, and even medical ‘facts’ are revised or reversed with shocking regularity.  Look at the political and religious idiots (throughout history and currently) who blindly obey the dictates of their party or their faith in direct opposition to  common sense and basic human kindness.

Please, be a rebel. Start today.  Do not join the shadow people who wait for permission that will never come. Permission can only come from within you.  The rules of obedience can turn you into a helpless, hopelessly lost zombie always in search of someone else’s brain to make your decision. Stop it. Right now.  Begin by looking deeply at the rules, beliefs, and ideas that keep you in a loop of repeating (or tolerating) behaviors that don’t work for you.  Rebel. Just say NO. Make your preferences clear. Start somewhere…you can change anything- your schedule, job, wardrobe, spouse, hairstyle, babysitter, bank, residence, doctor, diet, hobbies, friends…whatever. Just begin.

We are born with permission to be fully alive, to make our own choices, and to be happy, playful, creative Beings. We do not require permission from any outside authority to have the lives we want to have. Get the disease of blind obedience out of your life, and I promise you, much pleasure and joy will come your way.
 

(For a painful and frightening look at obedience, read about the Milgram research.)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTX42lVDwA4

THE ONE SENTENCE CLARITY PRACTICE

One thing that will drain the life out of a relationship faster than a vampire on a rampage, is the habit of believing the bullshit stories our mind invents rather than doing a reality check to see if anything we’re making up is valid.

Let’s face it…we make up meaning that makes us look good…or ‘innocent’ while pretending  other people are  uncaring  asshats or worse. And the worst part is, it happens so quickly that people often have no clue that what they think is a pretense,  taking the conclusion that their insecure, gotta-be-right ego has reached as The Truth. Without bothering to fact check.  

Meaning gets substituted for reality so quickly people will argue to defend their position even AFTER the facts have been presented.  People…we’ve got to stop this. We’ve got to help each other stop this, also.  Let me introduce you to the One Sentence Clarity Cure.

When someone is going on and on (and on and on) about how they feel ‘battered’ or ‘attacked’  or ‘always misunderstood’ by something you said, and you find yourself like the proverbial deer in the headlights wondering, WTF? , it’s time for you to interrupt their rant. That’s right. Just interrupt them. 

And also  learn to interrupt yourself!   Here is a practice that will help you get over issues with greater honesty, ease and speed.

1.       To be understood you must be clear. To be clear you must be precise. To be precise you must select words that convey both fact and your interpretation (meaning) Use Very few words. One solid sentence.

2.       Make time to take face to face. No texting or emailing that gets passed off as ‘communication’ Don’t drink alcohol while you’re talking.

3.       Stay on topic. Offer one sentence of information or report a feeling. ONE. Do not ramble. Do not devolve into explaining, story-telling, defending your position or blaming.  Then let your partner respond.

4.       When you respond, keep it very short. Say what you heard or what you feel(in your body) , or what emotion you’re feeling,  or ask a clarifying question, or report what you think about what you just heard.

5.       Listen deeply. If you catch yourself thinking ahead, or shifting into blame, ask your partner to REPEAT the sentence again. This time, listen deeply.

6.       Interrupt each other and be interruptable if either of you start to ramble, blame, go into story telling or defending.

7.       Remember that you are on the same team and your goal is to understand (not agree with, just understand) how your partner thinks, feels and frames experiences.

8.       Be aware of the meaning YOU EACH make out of each other’s communications.  You will find that the conclusions you  each jump to are repetitive and familiar. Be aware that you will each automatically and unconsciously invest in making meaning that reflects your past experiences in relationships. Strive to notice and redirect your thinking.

 

9. Finally, rather than sit down braced for a fight and expecting the ‘same old stuff’ to happen, please begin by taking a few breaths together and by sharing out loud your desire and commitment to relate in a way that allows each of you to share opinions, reveal feelings, make requests and agree to disagree. 

 

 Ultimately, knowing each other more deeply and accepting each other more fully is the desired outcome.  Love is acceptance. The more able you are to recognize your automatic defensive bullshit and accept responsibility for your own fears, insecurities and for dealing with past hurts, the easier it is to accept someone else, regardless of their bullshit, pushing past it, not taking it personally, and accepting (loving) the person anyway.  I am by no stretch of the imagination suggesting to you put up with bullshit, or inflict yours on others without remorse...what I AM saying is that there is a way out, a way to have greater honesty and understanding, and this practice will help you achieve that.

 
Let me know how this works for you! And, feel free to submit your questions about relating if you’d like me to address them in my upcoming Podcast.
  http://www.stresswizardcoaching.com/#!podcast/jqidn

CHOOSING HAPPINESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

OK, here's the final installment of the Happiness Conversation.

Sometimes we know how to be happy when we are alone, but adding a partner throws a wrench into the works.  Many people are taught the lie that  “Love” somehow mysteriously takes care of all our differences and we think “ If he/she loved me then he/she would____” And we fill in that blank with every single assumption we make based on what we make love mean. 

The problem here is, that we rarely ASK our partner about what ‘feels like love’ nor do we share what actions/behaviors ‘feel like love’ to us. And NO, there is no universal reality here. To be happy, we must stop pretending to know what our partner’s relationship likes and dislikes are and we must stop assuming our partner knows what ours are.

 So, when you think “I shouldn’t have to spell it out” or  “ We don’t have to negotiate or compromise”, you have created a recipe for dissatisfaction, resentment and drama, that may ultimately  kill your relationship.  

Here’s how to Choose happiness in Relationships. ..

First, I am reminding you that love = acceptance. When we love the dog, we love him without reservation, even when he sheds, smells, wakes you in the middle of the night, or poops on the floor.  You assume (correctly) that the dog is doing doggy things and is not trying to make you crazy or piss you off. When it comes to our partners, we skip over the reality they too are simply doing what they do, and we forget that our judgments and upsets are based, on what we have decided that behavior MEANS.  (He doesn’t love me. She is using me. Etc.)

Please take the time to sit quietly in a calm beautiful environment, and share with your partner , exactly what you like and don’t like. What feels loving to you. What words and behaviors trigger you. Share what your thought process is and what you enjoy most -and least- about each other's habits and behaviors…Be clear and specific. Not judgmental or parental. Talk about yourself…not blaming your partner for how you feel or what you think, just revealing what’s there. And when you make requests, be very specific about what you mean.

 Don’t say “I want to be touched more” when what you mean is, “I’d like to hold hands when we go for a walk’”  Don’t say,  “ I prefer when we make plans and stick to them” when you mean “I feel anxious or taken by surprise when we don’t plan. I don’t much enjoy spur of the moment decisions.”  Once you know the basics, you can negotiate.

When I talk about ‘Negotiating” in a relationship,  I mean this:  Discovering how to allow your partner to have what he/she wants, without ignoring or giving up what you want.   At the heart of negotiation is a game you learn to play with your partner called “How can we both feel more loved and satisfied?”

Negotiation is not a business contract, it is a discovery process in which you both get to have more of what you want.   

(And yes, some things may be deal breakers, perhaps infidelity, drug use or violence for example, and then you can choose to walk away with compassion rather than stay and feel like a victim, or become their a parent or prosecutor. )

As you talk openly, you also will discover what meaning or motive your partner assigns to some of your behaviors and actions.   You need to know this. NOT to take on responsibility for how your partner feels, and NOT to make you change your behavior, but to be aware of your partner’s thought process.  To understand what’s going on inside them.  Be sure to reveal your own stuff without trying to ‘sell’ the ‘false’ idea that it’s your partner’s duty to do what you want. It’s not.

Do not waste time and energy trying to make your partner enjoy something he or she does not enjoy just so you can “be together”. That will not work.   (I have often taken a nap or a swim when Sunday football came on TV.)
For example, if you are an early riser but your partner is a night owl, you can choose to be quiet, or go to another room rather than wake your partner. Similarly, if you are the night owl but your partner is falling asleep after sundown, you may choose to save romantic advances for a time when both of you are likely to be responsive. (Seems like common sense, right?  Well, it IS)

Or, in the case of Compromise, sometimes you may choose to change a behavior that your partner has a very hard time with even though you know you are not to ‘blame’. This is Compromise. This is willingly choosing to do something differently, NOT because your partner tells you that you must, in order for her/him not to feel bad, but because you see a place where you can contribute to your partner’s happiness and at the same time, not make yourself less happy.  

Examples: Tim sets his phone alarm once a week to remind him to stop and buy flowers for his wife after she had expressed how loved she feels when someone gives her flowers.

Peggy found a new Yoga class so she could have breakfast with her man on Saturday mornings, after he expressed how much he hates waking up to an empty house Saturday mornings. She thought she was giving him time and space to wake up & had no idea he felt that way. What they get  back is the pleasure of their partner’s pleasure. 

Clear communication, direct requests, and owning your own stuff WORKS. Making demands, whining, blaming, demanding and trying to be ‘right’ causes drama and misery.

Here’s a true Compromise story : My friend (who dislikes sports) goes to a few ball-games a year with her husband (who loves baseball!) and usually brings  knitting, or a book.  Afterwards, they go to her favorite pizza restaurant which is near the ballfield. He could care less about pizza, and isn’t much of a fan of eating out- but it reminds her of the neighborhood she grew up in and feels like ‘home’ to go there. This way, they both willingly give each other something they each desire. Though she still doesn’t like sports, she admits she has come to enjoy the energy of the crowd. She now finds his cheering endearing, while once she labeled it juvenile.  He has gotten to be friends with one of the restaurant owners, and they’ve become golf buddies. There are often unexpected benefits to getting out of our comfort zones.

This is Compromise…willingly doing that which we would not typically do in an open minded and giving way. This is FAR different from the attitude of grudgingly going somewhere and then holding it against your partner, and thinking (or worse, saying) “Well, I went to that shitty ballgame, now the least you can do is take me to my favorite restaurant.” 

First,  make deliberate choices in which you do what you want to do, and don’t do what you don’t want to do, then you can negotiate the territory in between. This is what happy couples do.

When we’re stuck in some attic of the mind in which our version of relating and love is out of sync with reality,  we have a very hard time feeling loved and relating with ease. This is something we can change through clear honest communication and direct action. 

In review, to be Happy in a Relationship, begin with a deeper level of self- honesty than you are accustomed to. Then talk, revealing to each other what you like, and don’t like, how you feel, and what your preferences are.  Negotiate. Play the Game “ How can we both feel More Loved & Satisfied”.   Practice finding new ways to Choose Happiness, and let me know how you do!  

XO

Raven

Feel free to direct your thoughts to me at raven@stresswizardcoaching.com

ABOUT BEING HAPPY PART TWO

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” —Anais Nin

Finding Joy in small daily routines and activities by deliberately calling your mind back from thinking about ‘other things’ to the pleasure of the moment, is one of the most powerful and satisfying habits you can have.

When we habitually ‘look ahead’, waiting for ease, happiness, relief and pleasure to come as the result of accomplishing a goal, attaining some new possession, or becoming proficient at some skill, we program our mind to ignore or dismiss all of the love, ease, joy and sensual pleasure available right here, right now in this very moment.

I know people who have gone through the majority of their lives looking ahead to some future in which happiness would arrive rather than enjoying the people and the life they have had every day along the way.  Do not make that mistake.  Start now…make Joy a priority.

 Slow down. Take in the little things. Call a friend. Pet the dog. Play. Eat foods that you enjoy slowly with your full attention. Take time to look up at the sky…watch the clouds, see the moon.  Feel your body. Right now , go ahead. Breathe and feel that breath…

There will always be more work to do, grass to cut, dishes to wash, errands to run…but this moment in which pleasure and connection and love are available to you is fleeting. The good news is, there will be another moment following that one…but it won’t matter if you are living in your head, thinking about the car, the errands, the job, rather than experiencing the life you have in the here and now.

Life is made of moments of experience that flow like a river, and if you’re in your mind thinking about life rather than being present in the boat-the body - that you are in, it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself stuck in the weeds, crashed on the rocks or heading over the falls. Flowing with the river consciously brings ease, timing, grace and pleasure into your days. And this is what choosing happiness looks like on the most fundamental level.

Practice: Breathe, call yourself back to your body, and experience the taste and warmth of that sip of coffee, see the bird on the wire when you stop at the red light, notice the scent of freshly cut grass as you take out the trash.

Treat Life as a game to be played, not a race to be won.  I mean PLAY in the true rich sense of a child at play. Full in, complete attention, sensation filled, fun, pleasurable play best describes the way people who love their jobs, love their hobbies or love their relationships experience those things. Take it on. Find ways to play. Cultivate a bigger broader sense of humor. Get out of your comfort zone. Do the equivalent of barreling down the tallest slide on the playground. And have fun with whatever you’re doing. Make a game of annoying or difficult things. Stop for a snack when you’re done. Put a gold star on your calendar…seriously, I know people who do this and just enjoy the hell outta those little stars!

When Life is Play everything improves…your health, your looks, your relationships…and even the people around you benefit from your growing ease, humor and joy.

 

 Practice: PLAY Don’t step on sidewalk cracks for an hour. Count how many cars go by. Can I caw like that crow?  Dig up a ball and play catch. Also, make games of things in daily life...  How fast can I get in & out of the grocery store? How many days in a row can I get to the gym? Who can I tell a joke to? (I love emailing people jokes!), How many dishes can I fit in the dishwasher? These games are useful two ways..not only do they make ordinary tasks more fun, they also force you to be in the moment, not in your head thinking of something else!  A twofer.  You’re  likely to forget the bread if you’re wandering around the store thinking of what you have to do next, barely conscious that you’re shopping, but playing a grocery store game puts you in the moment, makes you efficient, and gives you a little thrill of pleasure. So go for it! Make life a game, and PLAY!  

If Joy were a pill it would be flying off the shelves. Well it’s free, and you can have as much as you want.  Having joy does not depend on anything but your point of view. 

I am reminded of the neighborhood kids in the slum I grew up in…poor, dirty…often on the street late at night on a Friday night…banging joyfully on steel drums originally made from old trash cans…bringing a rich deep pleasure to the neighborhood that even had the old grannies out swaying to the rhythm. Mindset, not circumstances makes the difference between suffering and happiness.

No matter how much you think your life may suck, you still have the ability to feel moments of true pleasure and playful abandon. Take those moments, and make yourself-and the world richer.

OK…I’ll be back in 2 weeks with the final  installment of this conversation. Feel free to direct your thoughts to me at raven@stresswizardcoaching.com