THE COMFORT OF BITTER BEANS

Coffee and chocolate both start out as bitter beans, but add the curiosity and ingenuity of humans and they have become two of the worlds most valued and esteemed edibles. If you are a coffee drinker then you know the comfort and pleasure of that first sip of really good coffee. Not only is it delicious, but that little mental boost, that feeling of the film peeling off the eyes, and the deeper awareness of connection, of ‘rightness’ with the world in front of us is also part of our love of coffee. It enhances our desire to think, chat, connect, and that little punch of caffeine is good for relieving that morning congestion.  

The history of coffee stretches back to Ethiopia, and regular use of coffer dates as far back as the 10^th century. By the 16^th century the use of coffee had spread to Turkey and the rest of the Middle east, then spread to Italy, Europe and the Americas. (Thanks Wikipedia)

 

And then there’s Chocolate. Chocolate, the fermented, roasted and ground beans of the Theobroma cacao can be traced to pre-Olmec people with evidence of chocolate beverages dating back to 1900 BC. Yes…that long ago. As a bitter beverage. Chocolate also made its debut in Spain and then spread to all of Europe in the 1500’s. Eventually through the addition of sugar and centuries of experimentation, we have the chocolate we know and love today.

 

Similarly, you either love chocolate or you don’t. .and the soothing, sensual, free radical clearing benefits of good quality dark chocolate are well known.  Comforting ourselves with chocolate, giving it to express love, drinking it on a cold winter’s day, and of course chocolate is a well-known remedy for PMS, winter blues and lost love.  Of course there are now proven health benefits of dark chocolate as well, good for the heart, cholesterol, blood pressure and as we know, boosts our sex drive.

 

So…why am I going on and on about coffee and chocolate?  Something struck me about bitterness…and human nature.  If, instead of judging, ignoring and giving up on harsh or bitter people…we employed our curiosity and ingenuity to uncover what sweet or potent treasure at their core, many times a transformation occurs that lets us see the real person and see their hidden light.  Yes, sometimes it’s hard work…and requires experimentation, letting that curiosity (not judgment, not force) lead the way…just knowing that something’s possible.

People aren’t just bitter beans by nature…something or perhaps many things caused the mind to create a harsh shell to protect a sensitive center. Keep people away then equals saving oneself from pain, rejection, loss, judgment… and yet, with little exception (and yes, there are a few exceptions) most people who are as unpalatable as raw chocolate, are seeking acceptance, kindness.

I have witnessed the transformation of bitter people into the equivalent of a bracing coffee, letting their intelligence and honesty rise to the surface once someone is really listening. And I have known people who, as they found that they were accepted truly seen, that bitter edge became as smooth and delicious as a fine piece of chocolate.

 

So this is my thought…if with such patience and meticulous curiosity we can turn bitter beans into such pleasure and comfort…what could happen if we looked at our fellow human beings with more detached but dedicated curiosity? We might find, that under inside that bitter bean, is something wonderful, delightful and well worth the trouble finding.

LET GO, LISTEN & LIGHTEN UP

This is a subject we see pop up all over the place. How to let go of what’s no longer useful in our lives, what to do to revise the old habitual ways we shoot ourselves in the foot…well, that’s great- as long as you are truly conscious of how your behavior is shooting you in the foot in the first place. To wake up, we first have to be willing to let go of our defensiveness and listen differently.

People have love affairs with their familiar stories, using denial as a shield against reality, sanity and what is usually obvious to others at a glance. In the quest to be ‘right’ about what we’re doing that isn’t making us happy, we tend to throw people who challenge us under the bus.       I’m not talking about people who are just gossips, or the perpetually critical judge and executioner types who make themselves feel good by finding fault with others.  When people (several people, especially friends and family) tell you that you act crazy, or that you’re maddeningly distant, or you’re too effing pushy or that the sickeningly sweet way you talk is making their skin crawl- heads up!  There is a memo here for you to consider. What they are saying, while it may be a complaint or even a resentment…it’s ALSO a note from you to yourself about something that is likely not operating in your best interest.

 

Instead of defending yourself…ask the question “How is this (behavior/pattern) working for me?”  It’s not about making the other person happy or being the way they want you to be…I am definitely not saying that.  I am suggesting that such a self-assessment can bring you into deeper awareness of  something that’s keeping YOU from being as happy (connected, intimate, relaxed, successful, satisfied) as you would like to be.

 

There’s no shame in allowing those around you to help you reimagine yourself as a happier, healthier person. My children have done exactly that for me, calling me out on behaviors and patterns that were both self-sabotaging and crazy making to them. And I am grateful.  

Not every complaint or comment will be a heads up…here’s how to know the difference :  

When someone speaks up and you have little or no reaction…or think “ Hmmm, wonder how you came to that thinking?” then, most likely there’s nothing going on …BUT…when you get instantly pissy and feel that urge to react, defend, explain & justify…oh yeah…then it’s time to shut your pie hole and take in what’s being delivered.

 

If you run off and sell yourself the story that you’ll just “Hang around with people who appreciate you,(so there!)”  it’s only a matter of time before those people are telling you the same things your last (former) friends told you.  Unless of course, you’ve surrounded yourself with lemmings and sheep and ‘nice people’ who will gossip about you but never tell you to your face how they feel. In that case, you’re well and truly screwed.

 

Identity is not fixed. Who we are and how we are is malleable. We can recreate ourselves as often as we like in ways big and small to provide ourselves with deeper levels of happiness, healing and intimacy.  Let go of that urge to dig in, make wrong and defend…listen…lighten up, and allow the message you are getting to be the gift it can truly be.

MY BIG LESSON OF 2014

 The brightest spot of the good news in review for 2014 is the birth of my beautiful grandbaby Isadora Rose in April. I could list other good things and all that I am very grateful for…but I want share a powerful experience.  I’m a better coach, because of it, and I am kinder to myself by far, because of it. And I don’t like to talk about this, so of course, that’s exactly what I’m about to do.

 

A few days before the end of September, I was standing a tad too close to my front door which caught the toenail on my right big toe and ripped it all the way back…well, let me tell you that I got a quick and dirty lesson on why tearing out nails is used in torture.

 

The pain made me nauseous…and it didn’t stop bleeding for two days.  I tried to go about as if it was business as usual, but within a week, the intensity of the pain sent me into a serious tail spin.  I had to keep choosing what to take care of…the leg that was still aching and burning from the accident, or the toe that throbbed and oozed constantly.   (yeah very gross)

After a few weeks I realized I was in big trouble. I wasn’t sleeping. I was having panic attacks. I was having heart palpitations that lasted 30 minutes at a time. My hands were tingling, and the nerve pain in my leg was extreme. I was forgetting things. Burning pots. Losing keys.  I became fearful and hyper vigilant and the fact that I could neither swim nor hit the gym left me with mounting stress. For the first time in my life, I was unable to meditate. I could not settle my mind. My thoughts became a minefield of make-wrongs and self-depreciation.  

Then, in the middle of the night, I woke to terrible pain in my back and shoulders and neck.   I thought I was having a heart attack. ..but I simply could not make myself call anyone. I knew it was crazy behavior, and yet the thought of an ambulance, a hospital, calls to my kids…no.  I got up, took aspirin, tried to breathe through it. Eventually,  the pain resolved itself and I fell asleep sitting up on the couch.

When I woke I  recognized  that THIS is what it felt like to be in that chemical stew like some clients  who started out in the deep end of the Anxiety Pool. They needed help to reduce the chemicals that were frying their minds before they could be coachable.   And so did I.

 

I called my Doctor, and got thoroughly checked.  As I suspected, my heart was fine and every symptom I had was a thanks to  Adrenaline and cortisol- the stress twins were kicking my ass from here to the moon.   He  pointed out that I  had not even taken time off work after the accident, so now this incident triggered everything I’d been holding in and holding back . A veritable Tsunami.  I was so screwed.

 

We negotiated the territory…I agreed to a small dose of an SSRI for 6 months to get my chemistry out of survival mode, and I agreed  to take time off, sleep in, and sit outside even if I couldn’t walk much. If you know me at all, you know that I avoid medication like the plague but I knew this was dangerous to ignore.  I also got myself a coach immediately, and have been talking to someone every week since the beginning of  November.  By the end of November I was able to resume swimming, walking and working out vigorously.

 

Now my mind is calm again.  I’m feeling happy. I am meditating, sleeping well, and have slowed down enough to feel and deal with things.  I realized how hard I’d been on myself and I have put a few things in place so I don’t go down that road again.

 

Here’s the lesson for you, my friend. No one is immune to stress. No one can ‘go it alone’ once the tipping point puts  the mind  in ‘survival only’ mode. If you have had a trauma, take the time to feel your way through it and recover. Don’t stay busy thinking that you’ll eventually just ‘return to normal’.  Not gonna happen.  If you experience the death of friends or family, ( I had four losses since spring) take the time to grieve and honor your connections with those people. Don't think you can put your grief on hold...it will catch up with you.

Stop. Feel. Rest. Take time to heal. Be kind to yourself and be with people who love you.

HOW TO CULTIVATE COMMON SENSE

Ok not everyone has much basic common sense. Sad but true. So if you happen to be a quart short in the CS department, here are a few simple basics- a little check list as it were, that I promise will be like having a personal trainer for Common Sense in your pocket. Yes…I suggest that you write these down and keep ‘em in your pocket. Or purse…whatever. It's good to have a cheat sheet when you're developing a new skill...once you read 'em a few times, you can just copy those first few words and you'll know exactly what to (and what NOT to) do to develop your skill.

 

People with common sense do effortlessly that which many others have to train and condition themselves to do with consistency…once mastered though, this short checklist will get you on the right road to your own salvation. Salvation from your own self-sabotage, of course.  Enjoy...

 

1. Slow Down. Do fewer things, but do them with greater attention- complete awareness if possible. This will cut way down on accidents, forgetfulness, mistakes, stress, and a host of other stupid stuff that makes you look (and feel) like you just can’t get it together.  And as a bonus, you will get more stuff done, and enjoy doing stuff more as a result. Yay you.
2. Stop eating crap and take the effing time to buy or make good healthy foods. Whatever you eat either feeds your health or serves the Dark Force. Really, stop pretending a power bar is a meal, get more sleep instead of using coffee, stop the sugar, never ever go to a fast food joint (it may be fast, but it ain’t food) , and give yourself the right to eat tasty, good food slowly and enjoy it. Period. If you pretend you can’t or just won’t do that, you’re asking for mood swings, irritability, sickness, sleep problems, rotten concentration…and probably rotten teeth, too. (none of this is good for your sex life BTW)
3. Get your ass outside to see the sky, walk under some trees and experience the elements…you know, sun, rain, wind…that stuff. We are made to be balanced and sustained by nature. Even though we long to do it, daydream about it, and itch to get outside, we somehow chain ourselves to the computer, then think we can make up for it at the gym. Well you can’t.  Studies clearly show (again, like we NEED studies to tell us what our biology already knows) that being out in nature has many health benefits including but not limited to : reduces stress, stabilizes blood sugar, helps regulate blood pressure, speeds healing, lifts mood and enhances creativity. Not to mention, you might meet a few actual people!
4. Make Meaningful Contact With Others. Really, people with good common sense don’t have to be reminded to do this…so if you suck at contact 101, here’s your chance to brush up on what it means and what it will do for you. ..This does not mean texting and emailing.  Meaningful Contact includes but is not limited to conversations in person or on the phone in which you: reveal how you really are, ask for something you want, tell people how you feel, express interest in  others, listen…I mean REALLY listen, let people know that you appreciate them, and/or love them… and/or get over yourself if you’re upset.
5. Listen to your gut. Really. People with Good Common Sense aren’t all about logic and analysis…what makes common sense so, well, Uncommon, is that it has a mind of its own. People with common sense have a way of noticing and being present that allows information from others, and the surroundings and their ‘spidey senses’ which are faster than the conscious mind -to inform their decisions and actions. Looks like luck…but it’s not. So listen to that little urge, push, pull…and follow it.  You’ll be glad you did.

 In conclusion, here’s a quote to inspire you to uncommon heights of good common sense:

I invite you to say this, or something like this: "I pledge to wake myself up, never hold back, have nothing to lose, go all the way, kiss the stormy sky, be the hero of my own story, ask for everything I need and give everything I have, take myself to the river when it's time to go to the river, and take myself to the mountaintop when it's time to go to the mountaintop." Rob Breszny

Amen! Awomen! Allelujah! Here's to Cultivating Common Sense!

ON TOLERANCE AND FREEDOM

I like to think that we live in a country based on Freedoms …but then something happens that reminds me that those who founded this country were looking for freedom for their own beliefs…NOT all beliefs.  Last weekend I went on a trip to WV and one part of the trip included a musical dinner show that I imagined featured some version of country music. I was hoping for fiddles and a banjo…but what we got was a throwback from a darker time when racism and religion were obvious bedfellows.

 

Sure there were a few country tunes (though nary a fiddle or banjo)…but the white guy with the afro doing a parody of Little Richard was just tasteless, racist and bad on many levels…( the background recording of Amos and Andy didn’t help the atmosphere)…and then the band leader (aka bible thumping preacher) told us how they “Love the Lord” there in West-by-God Virginia  and continued on with a set of church songs in which the audience was expected to sing along…

 

By the time they finished up with a heartfelt rendition of God Bless America…honestly I was waiting for the Klan to make an appearance…well, OK…I mean the ones actually wearing their sheets….I was in the back with a friend and a couple we’d met on the trip…the husband was a black man and we just kept looking at each other in shock.  (And no, we couldn't just walk out. We'd arrived by bus - a 'captive' audience. And frankly, watching had that quality of being unable to tear my eyes away from an accident. Every time I thought it couldn't get worse-it did)

 

Now…before you think I’m over-reacting, let me ask you this: What if the band-family had been some OTHER religion, Muslims perhaps…and their performance had powerful racist (anti-white) undertones and their music was filled with a fever of religiosity that demanded audience participation???   Would the audience feel that the sing-along was perfectly dandy? No. Definitely not. The freedom would NOT extend to a different group of people extoling their racist and religious beliefs.  So the ‘freedom’ is really for the white Christians.  Just think about it.

 

Don’t get me wrong…my issue isn’t so much with the reality that this family has created and reinforces their beliefs and position openly- that is freedom of speech, absolutely…

My discomfort, anger and sadness comes from realizing that racism and religious intolerance is clearly and powerfully demonstrated every day in ways that are INVISIBLE to the majority of people.  A handfull of us were dismayed…but the majority of people in the room saw nothing off with what was happening in that room.  THAT is what creeped me out that most.  They were blind to the obvious.

 

Racism and Religion, like Sexism and Religion will continue to be bedfellows, but as thinking evolving human beings who live in a world of diverse beliefs, races and preferences…to survive….we must wake up. We must. We must learn to see what is really in front of us, and to act in a way consistent with the tolerance and freedom we pretend to be all about. Otherwise, there’s nothing left of the ‘American Dream’ but a lie.

 

STOP THE GLORIFICATION OF "BUSY"!

I started four blog posts last month- all left behind mid-sentence like half eaten meals that have gone cold and are now unappetizing. I will spare you those. What keeps coming to my attention is how the terrible cost of the glorification of ‘busy’ distracts us from health, happiness  and love. I hear it every day…people too busy doing nothing that matters who have no time for what does.

 

The way that we are taught to glorify being busy- which is the enemy of clarity, satisfaction and ease- is a disease.  I watched one friend who was literally dying, insist on spending her last days trying to finish a work project and pay bills rather than bask in the love of her children and friends. She refused to admit that her life was ending despite all evidence to the contrary. Such is the power of the busy mind.  I broke my heart watching that happen, and turned my awareness on the ways that I too have used being ‘busy’ as a distraction from my own happiness, my dreams and my desires. I am awake and I am taking action.

 

Fall is here. I love fall. As the weather cools I am feeling a powerful urge to purge. I’m going through every thing …and I mean every.little.thing. from the closets to the storage space, from suitcases to dresser drawers, from trinkets to jewelry boxes to old habits, ideas and shabby stories and ideas that no longer serve me.  Clutter is OUT  and Clarity is in. Everything that’s half-assed must go. The time is now & I’m ready! I am in the process of making my outer world match my inner world. I invite you to do the same.

 

Happiness is my priority.  I’m even, exploring new career options (yep, I’m thinking of a B & B, or a little organic restaurant or whatever else may call to me)   I am filled with creative drive and fired up about writing books, creating new music, and doing new workshops in new locations. (You’ll get a list very soon when the September newsletter comes out… FREE Teleclass, an on line training,  a new program in MD, and two in Florida…Wheeeee!)

 

 But am I too busy? No. I am flowing rather than scheduling, listening to my dreams, meditating, walking, working out and doing all the stuff I swore I was ‘too busy’ to do before the bricks to the head woke me.  I notice that the more I ‘flow’ with things, the more time shifts bends and folds to accommodate whatever is going on.  There's plenty of time.

 

After this past year of slowly gaining my health and losing friends and brilliant souls like Robin Williams, I am itching to strip off my old self and old stories like a snake shedding its skin, and create a new world that’s in deeper alignment with who I am, what I want to experience and where I want to go in life.  I hope you do too. Please come and  cross this bridge with me.

 

The self that lives in the Surface world that focuses on 'Busy' is only part of who  we are. We are also wild beings flickering in an infinite sea of Being free from the usual constructs of time. Busy doesn’t exist.  It’s a story of distraction used by the mind to keep us repeating the old familiar (often irritating) minutia, because the truth is, we’re afraid to let ourselves be the powerful playful shining beings that we are. We are dreamers first and foremost, we are story tellers and mystics and visionaries.  When our imagination ignites our emotions that power reaches out calling experiences to life.

 

When we stop filling up our time with mindless business- when we stop buying the story that we’re ‘too busy’  to be/do/have what our soul longs for-we transform.  Our lives transform. And the whole world becomes a little brighter.   I know you have heard these words before countless times…but I urge you shake off the consensual trance you live in, and rise…end the glorification of ‘busy’ and instead, fly boldly into your dreams.

 

DREAM SEEDS

My week in the Dream Teacher Training program with Robert Moss was like a week in the wilderness on one of those survival shows. Well, not quite that bad, but really, my idea of ‘roughing it’ is a 40 watt light bulb, so the heat, bugs, outdoor shower building, and the cane assisted long walk to the training site (a Yurt with no bathroom)  several times a day, left me exhausted. I went for five nights on just five hours’ sleep or less each night.  The physical discomfort of course added to the other-worldly quality of the training, made my dreams more vibrant and gave me the ability to be truly half in the surface world and half in the Dreaming for the entire time- and several days thereafter I might add.

 

The training itself- excellent. The people-wonderful. The food-exceptional.  There were 31 people in the training which included peeps who flew in from Romania, Dominican Republic, Australia, Canada and all across the US from NJ to Portland. The training exercises included tracking dreams, dreamwork for healing, precognitive dreaming and also waking dream-journeys into each other’s dreams and to the place between worlds to speak with the departed.  The training was a potent and rich series of experiences demonstrating how this waking world rises from The Dreaming.  

 

The Dreaming and our connection to it is not just about night dreams- it is the primary location of our consciousness- the Home of our soul, and the source of our decision making deep mind- the place where, in addition to working out the mundane events of our lives- we try on possible futures, diagnose ourselves, meet with others, visit real places, speak with the dead, and preview coming events. The Dreaming is where that 2/3 of our awareness ‘lives’ – otherwise known as our Deep Mind or Unconscious, or Subconscious.  This is where many decisions are made that we never know about in our waking life…but we DO know the way coincidence and synchronicity play across our Surface lives, bringing magic and mystery…the logic of non-linear order, to our attention. These are great road signs to follow.

 

Try this at home…incubate a dream…go to sleep with a clear intention to receive a dream about something important to you…healing, a job, your lover, a child…and whatever dream you have, even though you may not at first recognize the connection…sit with it. Be with the dream. Honor it in some way. Let your dreams- both your night dreams and your daydreams- your powerful imagination help you nurture the seeds you plant in your life.

 

No matter what we’re growing, a habit, a business, a relationship, a new story about ourselves or our lives, just like any seed that’s planted, the first thing we need to do when that little seedling sprouts, is put it in the sun, water it and tend it.  As we grow our dreams, they are both the infant and the parent. They are powerful guides and tender shoots that need attention. The thoughts we entertain and the people we surround ourselves with can nurture growth or cause that seedlings death from neglect- also known as distraction.

 

Being kind and attentive with yourself as you learn to listen to and decode your dreams…treat yourself as you would a preschooler learning to ride a bike. The right combination of  encouragement, training, repetition and willingness to push through  fear moves you forward, and can make your best dreams come true.