This is a subject we see pop up all over the place. How
to let go of what’s no longer useful in our lives, what to do to revise the old
habitual ways we shoot ourselves in the foot…well, that’s great- as long as you
are truly conscious of how your behavior is shooting you in the
foot in the first place. To wake up, we first have to be willing to let go of our defensiveness and listen differently.
People have love affairs with their familiar stories,
using denial as a shield against reality, sanity and what is usually obvious to
others at a glance. In the quest to be ‘right’ about what we’re doing that isn’t
making us happy, we tend to throw people who challenge us under the bus. I’m not talking about people who are just
gossips, or the perpetually critical judge and executioner types who make
themselves feel good by finding fault with others. When people (several people, especially
friends and family) tell you that you act crazy, or that you’re maddeningly distant,
or you’re too effing pushy or that the sickeningly sweet way you talk is making
their skin crawl- heads up! There is a
memo here for you to consider. What they are saying, while it may be a
complaint or even a resentment…it’s ALSO a note from you to yourself about
something that is likely not operating in your best interest.
Instead of defending yourself…ask the question “How is
this (behavior/pattern) working for me?”
It’s not about making the other person happy or being the way they want
you to be…I am definitely not saying that.
I am suggesting that such a self-assessment can bring you into deeper
awareness of something that’s keeping
YOU from being as happy (connected, intimate, relaxed, successful, satisfied)
as you would like to be.
There’s no shame in allowing those around you to help
you reimagine yourself as a happier, healthier person. My children have done
exactly that for me, calling me out on behaviors and patterns that were both
self-sabotaging and crazy making to them. And I am grateful.
Not every
complaint or comment will be a heads up…here’s how to know the difference :
When someone speaks up and you have little or
no reaction…or think “ Hmmm, wonder how you came to that thinking?” then, most
likely there’s nothing going on …BUT…when you get instantly pissy and feel that
urge to react, defend, explain & justify…oh yeah…then it’s time to shut
your pie hole and take in what’s being delivered.
If you run off and sell yourself the story that you’ll
just “Hang around with people who appreciate you,(so there!)” it’s only a matter of time before those people
are telling you the same things your last (former) friends told you. Unless of course, you’ve surrounded yourself
with lemmings and sheep and ‘nice people’ who will gossip about you but never
tell you to your face how they feel. In that case, you’re well and truly
screwed.
Identity is not fixed. Who we are and how we are is
malleable. We can recreate ourselves as often as we like in ways big and small
to provide ourselves with deeper levels of happiness, healing and
intimacy. Let go of that urge to dig in,
make wrong and defend…listen…lighten up, and allow the message you are getting
to be the gift it can truly be.
Posts
