BEAUTY FOR THE NEW YEAR

Instead of making resolutions, setting goals and making decisions that you Think You Should Be Making to Change What You Think You Should Be Changing, what if you did something revolutionary? Something that would utterly transform your perception of yourself, others and the world at large...

What If you decided to choose Beauty in all things….and allow whatever revealed itself to you in that moment of choice to guide you? What might you experience? What attitudes might you foster? What emotions might you linger in, fuel and feed with laughter or kindness? Where might you go? What new friends might you make? What hidden Beauty in others might you uncover? What Beauty might be hiding in the dark places within you? What stark and barren landscape of the mind might reveal a beautiful longing that could be followed?

Beauty. Just saying the word is calming. Warming. Lovely.
 You can trust Beauty to open you up, take you down new roads, raise you up to new heights and show you uncharted depths.  You can trust Beauty to simultaneously tame your racing mind and set your Wild creative self, free.  Beauty surrounds us, exists within us, speaks through us.

 Beauty can be found in the usual conventions of course, the beauty of Nature, of Music, of Art…what if you chose Beauty and in that choosing you found yourself lingering over a many a sunrise, walking through a lush forest, wandering into some new place because the beauty of music called you forth? 

What if choosing Beauty led you to hanging out with people who really ‘get’ you…or inspired you to travel to the Grand Tetons, or to Paris, or to sit in your own back yard under your own old oak tree, or to rock in the neglected rocking chair?

Beauty has magic and power in it.  It is a Gateway to Wonder and Mystery. It contains pleasure, and love, kindness and honesty, and living in the moment…for all of these are expressions of Beauty. Even the Beauty found in despair, or disaster serves the purpose of healing and of leading us back Home.

Beauty is always a true Ally.  Far more reliable than the assessments of the mind. A better compass than the shoulds we flit after until we’re dizzy, confused and lost.

To have a singular guide in the New Year such as Beauty, would mean allowing your choices to flow like a great river returning to its Source…for that which calls us, and that which creates us is Beautiful.

MY HOLIDAY TRIBUTE TO VETERANS

I often think of my family during the Holidays, even though they’ve been gone for decades.

It feels like just a few years ago that I could smell the yeasty goodness of bread rising, and hear the slap of cards as my Grandparents and Godparents played marathon rounds of Pinochle at the white enamel kitchen table.  My Mom died in 1969, when I was just 14, my Dad and Grandma passed in 1976, and Grandpa in 1980.

Both my father and grandfather had been soldiers.  Daddy had been in WWII and my Grandfather, who’d lied about his DOB to join the army at 16 said he started out chasing Poncho Villa across Mexico and saw many years of action until he went MIA for eighteen months and returned from the War a morphine addict.  My father became an alcoholic. This was a time when the word wasn’t uttered, especially for a ‘functional’ alcoholic, like my dad who did not drink every day and never while he worked. It killed him just the same.

 I have come to understand the intimate role war played in sculpting the dysfunction that ran through our family. I was always terrified that someone was going to die. I can only imagine how my Grandmother might have felt when Grandpa was returned to her with a metal plate in his head, a collapsed lung, and a serious morphine addiction. (Which he kicked, cold turkey, once he realized that the government wouldn’t help him quit) 

My father and grandfather told stories about their war experiences. The same stories. Over and over, as if the words, like water, would help clean away the anger and bitterness, the horror and pain, which I think is exactly how it worked.

 What veterans experienced is utterly lost on the rest of us, even with the most graphic descriptions they can provide.  Life, when it is about death and survival every minute of every day, rewires the brain, alters the nervous system and establishes a series of patterns and filters that the rest of us simply cannot comprehend. Yet after these men and women have been forever altered by the mythic experiences encountered in warfare, we expect them to return and reenter society as if they could unsee and unknow that experience.  War is perhaps the darkest possible interaction with fellow human beings we can have. They need and deserve support and a way find a new place in society in which they feel received, honored and included.

Those who have been in war have sacrificed their lives- not only those who have died- but those who have returned as well. The lives that they might have had may be as distant as the people they once were before they were trained to be killers and survivors. It is a terrible price to pay, for which our veterans neither receive proper compensation nor understanding.

Every family member of a war veteran is also changed by having had a loved one at war. The level of fear, of panic, of negative expectation doesn’t  vanish because their loved one has returned. Depending on what happened he or she may barely resemble the person who went to war.  And of course, there are those who return so physically and/or emotionally damaged that their families never stop mourning the loss of their beloved, even though they see them every day.

My family and my subsequent experience with returning Viet Nam veterans and later with other Vets has made me more sure than ever that there must be a better way to resolve the world’s ills, but I am not so foolish to think that we will evolve into a peaceful planet within my lifetime.

Perhaps this year you may take a stand for a Peaceful future by helping our Veterans feel wanted and welcomed back into our midst.  

 Here are a few ways you can make a difference:

Donate:    http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/

Employ  : http://employers.militaryhire.com/?gclid=CLar8e3Fn7sCFSLxOgodFUEA9A

Volunteer: http://www.voa.org/help-local-veterans

Suggested read:  WAR AND THE SOUL by Edward Tick

RADICAL GRAITUDE

It’s pretty easy to be grateful for the people we love, the stuff we have, the food we eat, and all that jazz, even if we forget and take our usual measure of good fortune for granted, it generally doesn’t take much to pause and enjoy the bounty of our lives. So, let’s look at how pushing “the gratitude envelope” can be a profound and revealing experience.

Can you be grateful for your pain? For that SOB that cut you off on the highway? Can you feel thankful for the boss that you swear refuses to notice your contributions?  Ask yourself this question with regard to these seemingly annoying experiences: What am I pretending I don’t know? Are you pretending that your pain isn’t a valuable messenger? Pretending that you are in the ‘right’ while thinking nasty thoughts to that guy on the highway? Are you pretending that you don’t know that you cower or hide around your boss, becoming ‘invisible’ with some intent?  What is it costing you to pretend not to know how your thoughts and actions contribute to your own suffering? What is it costing you in health? In relationships? In finances?  What if those irritating experiences are messengers from you to you…ones that, with a measure of honest reflection can reveal a course correction that may even be life altering?

 Authenticity is a choice. Gratitude is a choice. The more we are able to admit what we pretend not to know, the more able we become to appreciate and yes, even feel grateful for things in our lives that, without that honesty, would just become fuel for the way we upset ourselves and make ourselves feel like victims of circumstance. I’m not advocating that fake ‘attitude of gratitude’ crap- I’m suggesting you get out the shovel and dig down to the truth of things. Sure, be angry- and dig until you’re not.

Almost every experience, even the truly craptastic among them, contains a valuable tool that can be used to help us build our dreams.  It is most often NOT the pleasant daily abundance that provides us with the friction required to bust out of our comfortable delusions…but the irritants, those little grains of sand that wear away our decorum, our repression, and our pretenses.

This Thanksgiving, I suggest this radical idea- to offer thanks to all those who have annoyed the daylights out of you, and to look for and celebrate the circumstances that have made you squirm, forced you to be creative, or ask for help, or reset your priorities. Truly, these are all blessings in disguise.

 Even a grain of sand wrapped in gratitude becomes a luminous pearl.

DO WHAT YOU ARE AFRAID OF

Many people tend to live little lives defined by their fears.  Most of those fears are imaginary troubles, based on what we think could or might happen, and have little to do with what’s really important in the big picture of our lives. I could explore the merits of taking risks based on those worries, but instead, I’m going to cut to the chase, and go after the One True Fear that is responsible for the ongoing suffering and low level depression and misery of millions of us. 

 

The thing most of us long for, hope for, search for yet hide from, shun and fear more than death- is Love. You know it’s true. Rather than allow yourself to really feel, rather than put aside the wall and be vulnerable, open, honest…rather than let others in and let them know the true thoughts and emotions that pass through you… you use the careful words, the pretense of not caring,  practice squelched emotional expressiveness and  endless waiting and questioning ‘who is the right One’ . These are the weapons that you are most likely to use to murder the possibility of intimacy, of love, of acceptance- before it frightens you too badly.

We are so attached to limiting who we can or should love, and limiting who might love us, that we have utterly forgotten that at the core of things, under our brilliance and stupidity, and judgments and longing and fear, what we are, are Beings who are made to shine.  We are love. Made from it. Live for it. And far too often die without surrendering to the fullness of it's power.

 

What is it that’s so utterly terrifying about Love?  It is stronger than our beliefs, politics, religious bullshit and racial bigotry. It is more powerful than our anxieties, petty worries, family baggage, sexism and victim stories. If we let ourselves Love, truly Love, the bright shiny, inflexible heavy armor that we have been wearing- which is wearing us out- would be revealed for what it is. The identity we try desperately to ‘sell’ as who we are in order to meet some delusional requirement for what we think other people must see in order to love us, would collapse. We would be revealed. And no matter what the person before us thought, believed, felt…  it would be possible to love him, or her.  Imagine that.

How else does Love scare the bejesus out of us? By stripping us of the falseness, the struggle and the lies that make up our dampened down daily existence, Love gives us back who we are. And that my friends, is terrifying if you’ve brainwashed yourself into believing that you’re a small mostly worthless bump on the ass of the planet.   You are an eternal being, made of stardust (literally) connected to all other humans, the natural world and the cosmos.  Now, what are ya gonna do? Hide? Gossip?  Pretend your life depends on keeping some crappy job? HA!

 

The Radical True Nature of what we are, is love. It’s what we live for. It’s what makes life worth living. It’s what we find in the Silence under all the bluster and noise we make.   The Love that we are, is already here. The Love that we are capable of feeling doesn’t have to be sought or found, just allowed.  And yes- you will feel afraid perhaps terrified- in the enormity of its shining power at first.  But you are more than your armor, more than your past, more than your stories of loss and fear. Reach for what you are, and you will find love there. Reach for what others are, and you will find love there.

 

So, do what you’re most afraid of- allow yourself to feel and express love full on, and whatever transformation may occur as a result, at least you will no longer be afraid.

 

THE TIME OF REMEMBERING THE DEAD

Well it’s that time of year when I haul out the box that contains the pictures of all my deceased loved ones…family, friends- those whose lives have touched and changed me. To honor them, I let myself feel the bittersweet emotions of loss, gratitude, love and fear, and I sit with the reality of my own fragility, my own inevitable end, and I sit will the possible loss of those I know and love who are currently ill.

 

Understandably, at first glance,  you may not think this is a tradition you think is a keeper- yet it is rich and rewarding, and even though at first I resist the process, I am always happier and calmer, less hard on myself and others,  and in exactly in the right state of mind to put real and meaningful desires on paper, having just had a thorough reality check.

 

Every year certain people stand out, and as I retell or relive my memories of them, I celebrate life- theirs and my own- and I remember that living and loving full on, even in the face of inevitable loss- is what makes life a fiercely worthwhile adventure.  Their lives and deaths remind me of what I want to do, and what I refuse to do…my excitement about meeting new people, loving the ones I know, mapping out new journeys and taking creative risks rises powerfully in me during that week of reflection. 
 

I step into the cave of winter having planted the seeds that, until I make myself busy and numb to avoid feeling pain, or avoid fear of loss, or hide from my own vulnerability, or fragility, or loneliness- until then, what I set in motion will call to my soul, inspire me, and help me challenge and push through many of those moments when I’d otherwise check out rather than feel deeply or love fully.

Also beyond the sense of loss is a powerful sense of continued connection, a synchronicity here, a dream there, a memory springing to my awareness in full color, and in those moments I also know that there is no end of life, but a different form of living, and that all the love I have shared with others continues shining on, opening the gates to communication and comfort, to knowing and help from that other deeper place where we live once we’ve dropped our bodies in the dirt.  

And I am reminded that my experience of living in and through this body is unique and powerful, and so my desire to move, to feel, and to experience the wonders of this world surge through me - and I feel again like a child exploring the magic around me with wonder, loving freely and playing hard.

  When I am alive like this I see the world as it is, and others as they are, and the streaming connectivity of life pours through me, making me happy regardless of circumstance, regardless of fear or loss- allowing me to be a mirror-  reflecting that potent remembering and love back into the world.

LIFE IS AS HARD AS YOU MAKE IT

How many times have you heard someone say "Life is hard.." ? (sigh).. I usually ask the question, "Compared to what?" Really. Think about that for a minute or three. Or try this one : " How are you making life so hard?"  That's a conversation stopper, I'll tell ya.


For most of us most of the time, certain events can be frustrating, annoying, less than perfect, or slow to sort out, but rarely is life 'Hard' unless we make it so. Sure, things happen. Accidents and deaths are part of life. Job loss and broken relationships, too. Definitely these can be real curve balls, setbacks and downers that we have to get through, recover from and digest as part of life. Usually though, everyday life for most of us comes complete with a place to live, food on the table, clothes, income and friends or family that we can rely on when those curve balls come.


Life is only hard when we put the majority of our attention on whatever isn't the way we want it to be or think it 'should' be.  Some people compare their lives to some idealized fairytale version of life that isn't likely to become anyone's reality.


Sure, sure, problems get smaller when we have more money, and everyone wants to be loved and feel useful. True. But to say that "Life is Hard" because you have to work, or don't have the guts to quit a job you hate or the nerve to leave a tormented relationship, or because your friend got an inheritance and you envy her...well that's all just petty.


If you doubt for a second that you have it good, just think about-or research- your grandparents or great-grandparents lives. When you have a little reality under your belt, come back and ask yourself how you can honor your ancestors by celebrating the ease, the choices, and the abundance you tend to ignore or take for granted each day..


I have talked to people with very little money, who have experienced tragedy after tragedy, that have felt blessed and lucky because they had their health, intelligence and a rook (though sometimes not much else) over their heads. I have on the same day, spoken with others with an abundance of money, homes and cars paid for, whined and complained about how hard life is because someone was granted something in their spectacularly expensive divorce settlement that was 'unfair'.


Life's what you make it. If you are hard on yourself or others, or live by 'comparison', let me tell you, life will seem very hard indeed. If, on the other hand you acquire the skills of  following your desires, treating yourself with kindness and taking time to really see, feel and appreciate the myriad of things that go right each day, I promise you will realize that you have plenty of evidence of ease and grace every day of your life. Life is as hard as you make it.

Freedom, Friendship & Reality

Freedom begins by telling the truth about what we think, how we feel, what we’ve done and what we want. Often we lie via silence. Telling ourselves a lie, (I don’t want to hurt their feeeeelings.  OR  I don’t want to have a conflict)  to justify how much we  keep our mouths shut, while our jaws clench and our gut churns as we try to smile and nod our way through.  

 

Meanwhile the real reason we zip it, is that we want to control what others think of us, manipulate the way we present ourselves and pretend to be the way we think other people want us to be. OMG how exhausting and crazy is that? What a prisoner of lies we become once we start using silence while pretending that withholding  how we REALLY think and feel is somehow NOT lying. Wake up. Be who you really are. Be visible and real and allow people to love and appreciate the Real You, warts and all. Your real friends will be relieved and happy. Your fake friends will be gone like smoke in the wind. And you will be free. 

You can't change anyone. For your own sanity (and frankly, to be in touch with reality) you have got to give up hoping, wishing, manipulating, teaching, leading and convincing other people to change. In fact, when you really accept that managing your OWN life is a full time job, you will find that you automatically lay off the people around you. You will wake up.  There's something wonderful and freeing about this process.

 

Now, when you Do revise the way you think and react, the people around you will shift.  You can’t change them, but when  you transform your own understanding, when you change your relationship ‘dance’ every person in your life will respond.  Some  will respond effortlessly and subconsciously, some with a knowing smile, and others will resist every  new step. 

 

When you wake inside your life you  will also offer a subconscious invitation to everyone you know to wake a little bit. Many will welcome the shift in you, others will get mad. A few may vanish. Then you will find yourself surrounded by people who are wake and supportive. 

RESPONSE-ABILITY and BLAME

People often feel overwhelmed by thinking of the word "responsibility' and all the exhausting meaning making that tends to go with it. What if being able to Respond-rather than React was an ability, a skill one could practice to become better adept at communicating with others. We can get triggered by almost anything, and react defensively, accusingly, feel hurt, get pissed and start passing the blame to anyone in the vicinity.  I've done it, and I'm sure you have too.

But the truth is that the buck stops with each of us. No one is responsible for your state of mind but you.  Sure, we all get annoyed, hurt and react...however, if you learn to note the reaction as just that-a reaction-not objective reality- then you have the opportunity to respond to the situation, rather than get stuck defending and pretending that your reaction is anything more than that.

Look, I know it can be hard to take, but in reality your parents, partners , and other people from your past are simply not to blame for whatever behavioral dead ends you find yourself in.  Yes, they may be responsible for teaching you some of the craptastic  beliefs and habits that make your life less than stellar, but you and only you have the power to notice what you're doing that is leading you down those dead end roads and learn how to do something else. 

Revealing what you are thinking and how you are feeling rather than assuming, accusing, and blaming, will allow you to respond rather than get clogged up in the reaction. This is what true responsibility means. Not taking blame. Not giving blame. Accepting that you cannot change others but you can alter how you respond, and get free from many of the ways you torment yourself (and probably also irritate the hell out of others).

Here's a practice:
Notice yourself react, Feel the sensations Interrupt your thoughts and recognize 'Oh, this is that familiar place I go', now Redirect your thoughts, opining up new possible options  for how to communicate, take a new action (maybe make a request, ask for clarification, or reveal how you're feeling) ...and repeat as needed. This is one way to learn how to leave those old crazy-making habits in the past where they belong.

Dear Readers,

After a long dry blogging spell, I will now start fresh, and promise to enter a new post  every 7-10 days. I hope you will comment, and add your wit and wisdom to the conversations.

Today's topic is about what happens when people ask, " So, how are you?"  It is obvious that people asking that question rarely want an honest answer, which is exactly what motivates me to provide one. Yes, I'm that way.

I have heard all the reasonable arguments about saying the positives, and focusing on the good things and in short that tends to amount to saying something trivial, insincere or blatantly dishonest
rather than actually answering the question a fair percentage of the time.

Now, I'm not advocating that you spew forth a laundry list of your complaints and challenges, but on the other hand, if you are having a day when you feel like getting hit by a bus would be a break from whatever's going on, then you might consider actually telling the truth.  "Actually, I feel like hell today, I can't wait to go to bed and put the day behind me." 

Conversely, if you are having a truly exhilarating day or you won the lottery, or just had the best sex you've had all decade, saying 'I'm fine" just doesn't cut it either.  I prefer to consider the possibility that if I answer authentically when someone asks me, "How are you?" that my honestly is an invitation for contact, friendship and intimacy, which may otherwise get lost under the convenient, familiar half truths we typically speak to each other.

In May I was in a car accident, and while people love to ask " Hey, how're ya doin?" , what they want to hear is that I'm  "Good. Fine. Improving, On the mend..." and anything else along those lines. Yet I discovered that if I say those things they want to hear, I feel like an idiot and give the impression that I'm working and living life as usual which is absolutely not true. 
What's true is that I feel broken, my life is still completely disrupted, I'm still in a wheelchair, I won't start PT for weeks, I get exhausted easily, and  everything I have to do to take care of myself from getting up to pee in the middle of night to trying to wash dishes while balancing on one leg is a challenge. Not to mention constantly having to ask people to please pick up my mail, do my laundry, etc. Which, by the way, even the best of friends get tired of doing.   
 So sure, I'm glad to be alive, and happy to have friends that run the errands that keep my life and my business moving forward. AND, some days suck, pure and simple.   In the past 10 years I haven't had much going on in the misery department, so even my honest comments on a 'bad' day were funny though  a bit snarky. But this is a whole different ballgame.

In telling the truth, I have found that even most people who don't especially want to hear the truth end up having a deeper more authentic conversation with me about their own lives and  how THEY are really doing.  It's good.

So...How are you?

Raven