SENSITIVE DOES NOT MEAN REACTIVE

I get tired of people who tell others they are ‘sensitive’ when what they are is hair-trigger reactive. If you get angry or hurt or fly into drama mode at the drop of a hat, that my friend, is sheer reactivity. And if you try to get (guilt, force, manipulate) the people around you to change their behavior in order to help you manage your own mind, then I’d wager that you are a pain in the ass on top of being generally insensitive. Yes, there, I said it. Highly reactive people are usually insensitive awfulizers who attempt to self manage by getting everyone else up tiptoe around so they don’t have to own responsibility for dealing with their own stressed out, hair trigger temperment, which makes them the victim of their imagined dramas.

This is not sensitivity. This is cray-cray. And while reactive people do suffer, the solution is never getting others to take on keeping you from flying off the handle. But it’s a great way to set yourself up for having people whisper about you, and avoid you. Great martyr-making strategy, this fake sensitivity. So, while I would never tell a sensitive person to ‘toughen up’ I most certainly will tell a hyper-reactive person to Grow up.

Yes it’s hard. Yes you may need coaching, or therapy and maybe even some serious stress management training or a class in radical honesty to get the job done. But it’s worth the time and money. It’s far better to have a life that works than live in a miserable ongoing drama. So, in short, reactive people are self absorbed, not sensitive, and let’s not get the two confused. Sensitivity is not automatic reactivity. One is a state of awareness, and the other is a pattern of behavior.

I am a sensitive person. I hate to admit it, but for the sake of clarification, I will tell you what it’s like. Crowds make me tired and cranky, so do noisy restaurants and grocery stores. I can’t stand tags on my clothes. Weather changes profoundly affect my body and mood, and my left leg is a fine storm forecaster. An instrument or voice that’s slightly off key drives me bonkers. I can’t listen. It’s like the sound of a dentist’s drill to me. Sensitivity also has its perks.

Music speaks to me, and when I sing, especially in harmony with others, it is a sensual and spiritual experience. I feel things deeply. I am moved by beauty. I take pictures and I draw. I see and notice details others either miss or find inconsequential. I cry at movies. I laugh loud and hard when I am amused.

I can decode a recipe by taste and smell, and am a very good cook. I catch nuances in people’s movements and voices, which makes me good at coaching people. I can also tell when people are hiding something. I am aware of (sensitive to) subtle changes in the moods of others. Animals love me.

That’s not to say that I am never reactive. I am human. I get triggered.

But I own responsibility for taking care of myself whether that means walking out of a busy restaurant, or speaking my mind. I don’t shush the crowd or tell people I’m with to stop chewing loudly. My sensitivity is not their problem.

Just remember: Sensitivity is not automatic reactivity. One is a state of awareness, and the other is a pattern of behavior. Don’t tiptoe around reactive people and reinforce their issues with your compliance. Just sayin’,  that doesn’t help anybody.

HEROES AND VILLAINS

We have an unfortunate tendency to turn the people we like into saints, looking for only that which fits our glowing expectations of them, and on the flip side, we demonize people we don't like, looking only at whatever supports our belief that they are bad and wrong.  This is the murky bottom in which our conversations about politics and religion get stuck and fester. There's no fact that a 'true believer' will listen to when it punches a hole in the belief that has become part of  his identity.

This thinking corrupts our ability to consider the thoughts and strategies of others in trying to reform and upgrade the most pressing issues of our society.  We also use our beliefs - not reason, not facts, not reality- our beliefs- to justify positions that can and often do harm and hamper the lives of others.  You know this. I know this. Yet, we continue to post tweets and FB diatribes as if  those 'others', once they've been shows the 'facts' will surely come around.  What a waste of time and energy!

There are far too many people willing to 'slant' the facts, or invent lies to support their viewpoints, to think for a New York Minute that anyone will take the facts in random article or statement at face value. Fake News, otherwise known as LYING, is rampant, not just in the media, but in our daily lives.  Much of the time we, knowingly or not, tweak the tale, enhance the facts and spin our conversations to make us shine in a golden light while making sure that someone who has triggered our anger or hurt feelings is painted as a villain. 

 The most common form of lying is withholding- that is to say, telling anything less that the whole truth to manipulate or influence the way others understand a situation. Don't sell yourself the story that withholding how you think and feel or hiding what you really want, is in anyone's best interest.

One obvious place where this unfortunate habit bites us in the ass is in our romantic relationships. We  first try to see our new found love as that hero or heroine, that prince or princess we have been carrying around in our heads since childhood.  But, since many of us have not emotionally grown up, we try our best to make the person fit our belief of what an ideal partner should be, rather than actively getting to know the person before us. SO...when the discrepancies begin to appear, and we can no longer reconcile our expectations with the real deal human with moods and baggage we've got in our lives, it's easier to turn him or her into a villain and list all the ways in which said partner does not measure up. That partner has also been playing the game, trying to be on 'best behavior' and seeing you through that cracked lens of perfection, so once reality surfaces, the blame game follows.

Beware when someone thinks that you are their Hero, because the fall from that pedestal will be a harsh and painful awakening.  Similarly, when you catch yourself in the Blame Game, ask the question ," How did I contribute to the confusion and upsets I am experiencing?  If you put your attention on resolving your own bullshit, rather than trying to make others change, I promise, all of your relationships will improve.

The solution to the majority of our personal AND social ills starts in exactly the same place.
With Honesty. Not the Truth According to my Beliefs...but actual Honesty.  Start there. Insist on Honesty from yourself  and  your politicians. Use your Vote to make  Honesty a priority in the culture you live in. Open your mind. Read, research and consider new thoughts. Get involved to make changes that make a positive difference in the lives of those around you. This is how to be the Hero/ Heroine of your own life!