Saturday, July 16, 2016

THE ONE SENTENCE CLARITY PRACTICE

One thing that will drain the life out of a relationship faster than a vampire on a rampage, is the habit of believing the bullshit stories our mind invents rather than doing a reality check to see if anything we’re making up is valid.

Let’s face it…we make up meaning that makes us look good…or ‘innocent’ while pretending  other people are  uncaring  asshats or worse. And the worst part is, it happens so quickly that people often have no clue that what they think is a pretense,  taking the conclusion that their insecure, gotta-be-right ego has reached as The Truth. Without bothering to fact check.  
Meaning gets substituted for reality so quickly people will argue to defend their position even AFTER the facts have been presented.  People…we’ve got to stop this. We’ve got to help each other stop this, also.  Let me introduce you to the One Sentence Clarity Cure.

When someone is going on and on (and on and on) about how they feel ‘battered’ or ‘attacked’  or ‘always misunderstood’ by something you said, and you find yourself like the proverbial deer in the headlights wondering, WTF? , it’s time for you to interrupt their rant. That’s right. Just interrupt them. 
And also  learn to interrupt yourself!   Here is a practice that will help you get over issues with greater honesty, ease and speed.

1.       To be understood you must be clear. To be clear you must be precise. To be precise you must select words that convey both fact and your interpretation (meaning) Use Very few words. One solid sentence.

2.       Make time to take face to face. No texting or emailing that gets passed off as ‘communication’ Don’t drink alcohol while you’re talking.

3.       Stay on topic. Offer one sentence of information or report a feeling. ONE. Do not ramble. Do not devolve into explaining, story-telling, defending your position or blaming.  Then let your partner respond.

4.       When you respond, keep it very short. Say what you heard or what you feel(in your body) , or what emotion you’re feeling,  or ask a clarifying question, or report what you think about what you just heard.

5.       Listen deeply. If you catch yourself thinking ahead, or shifting into blame, ask your partner to REPEAT the sentence again. This time, listen deeply.

6.       Interrupt each other and be interruptable if either of you start to ramble, blame, go into story telling or defending.

7.       Remember that you are on the same team and your goal is to understand (not agree with, just understand) how your partner thinks, feels and frames experiences.

8.       Be aware of the meaning YOU EACH make out of each other’s communications.  You will find that the conclusions you  each jump to are repetitive and familiar. Be aware that you will each automatically and unconsciously invest in making meaning that reflects your past experiences in relationships. Strive to notice and redirect your thinking.
 
9. Finally, rather than sit down braced for a fight and expecting the ‘same old stuff’ to happen, please begin by taking a few breaths together and by sharing out loud your desire and commitment to relate in a way that allows each of you to share opinions, reveal feelings, make requests and agree to disagree. 
 
 Ultimately, knowing each other more deeply and accepting each other more fully is the desired outcome.  Love is acceptance. The more able you are to recognize your automatic defensive bullshit and accept responsibility for your own fears, insecurities and for dealing with past hurts, the easier it is to accept someone else, regardless of their bullshit, pushing past it, not taking it personally, and accepting (loving) the person anyway.  I am by no stretch of the imagination suggesting to you put up with bullshit, or inflict yours on others without remorse...what I AM saying is that there is a way out, a way to have greater honesty and understanding, and this practice will help you achieve that.
 
Let me know how this works for you! And, feel free to submit your questions about relating if you’d like me to address them in my upcoming Podcast.
  http://www.stresswizardcoaching.com/#!podcast/jqidn