NOBODY'S HAPPY ALL THE TIME

Two potent skills that that I highly recommend developing are self-awareness and living more in the moment than in your head. These are attainable and worthwhile aspirations, yet neither will give you a life in which you are La-Dee-Da happy all the time.

Those chipper, cheerful people with the perpetual smiles and overly friendly voices who spout positivity the way pigeons drop turds on statues are, if you watch carefully, holding a mask in place that covers an ordinary human with ordinary moods underneath the façade. It’s exhausting to be ‘on’ all the time, not to mention phony.

 

Nothing will deliver a fully conflict free, stress free life. And that’s OK. We’re designed to handle and grow from the challenges of loss, uncertainty, change and conflict.  In fact, when we have challenges that make us break old patterns, think outside the box, learn new skills and develop new ways of navigating life we are actually happier and healthier! We require a certain amount of friction through which we evolve, get smarter, feel accomplished, learn what we’re good at and discover when to ask for help.

So if you imagine that you can or should attain some mindset in which you’d  never be angry, sad, hurt, or annoyed …just stop tormenting yourself right now. Yes, there will be challenges,  BUT you can face those challenges with grace and openness, rising to meet them rather than feeling like a victim. Here’s how to start…

 

By shifting you attention from the stories, events and beliefs that trigger feelings of fear and helplessness to noticing what is going right in your life and in the world, you can create a background feeling of safety and rightness to rely on when those conflicts come your way. 

Get out of your head ...and into your body.

I have a friend who calmed himself throughout a long ordeal of chemotherapy, exactly this way. He constantly interrupted the endless loop of doom stories his mind by noticing the kid laughing down the hall, watching the clouds cross the sky, asking for a foot-rub, playing cards with his nephew...until over time, he told me he just got to a place in which he knew, even if he died, especially if he died, he was not going to waste any moments that he COULD be enjoying.

   

That is the key to having a life grounded in happiness. Not perpetual happiness without anger or fear  or irritation, but a life in which returning to happiness is something that you know how to do and can do reliably.    Learning how to notice what is good and right in your life, in your heart , in others and in the world every day is good medicine. Good for your health, your relationships and every other aspect of your life. 

This one practice makes all the difference when you’re not feeling happy.  It shows you how to still take in the pleasure of a sunrise, or the comfort of a friend rather than isolate yourself and feel like a victim. It helps you see what you’ve done well regardless of mistakes you’ve made…and best of all, with time, you will come to a place of knowing- a feeling deep in your bones- that in times of trouble, someone, somehow will always have your back. 

 

A NEW LOOK AT LOVE

Well, next month is valentine's Day, so we are inundated with hearts and flowers and notions of romance. But really...what is love? It's much bigger that the brief romantic encounters we have- deeper than the sentimental Hallmark movies, and ultimately, more important to us than anything else in our lives. 

 

We long for it. We fear it. We fall into in and out of it. We withhold it from ourselves, and seek it even though it’s around us and inside us. It is the force that creates and sustains the world.  What if, just for a moment, you stopped trying to feel worthy of love, quit wondering if you were loved, stopped seeking love and simply allowed yourself to have the love that is already always waiting for you? Let the appreciation that others have for you wash over you like a gentle breeze. Let yourself feel the embrace of the sun above and the ground below you. Love is vast and ever-present.

What if you stopped idealizing, sentimentalizing and romanticizing love just for a minute? You might begin to recognize that we are all ‘in love’- much the same way that fish are in water. It surrounds, supports, nourishes, penetrates us. It is possible, when we stop striving, seeking and obsessing, to notice that love simply is.

When we try to put love into words, we end up with categories…romantic love, familial love, brotherly/sisterly love, parental love, self-love…and we have made up plenty of rules and stories about how all those relationships are ‘supposed’ to look.  Yet, when we feel loved, whether by a friend, a spouse or a dog we are ‘ourselves’ no longer putting on an show or trying to ‘win’ love.

The common ground that all forms of true love share is acceptance. To be seen and known and accepted as we are- warts and all. This is one reason we gravitate towards having pets. We are free to love and feel loved by a dog or cat no matter what we do or don’t do. No matter what failures or faults we may have. Love is a level of acceptance in which we identify with the ‘other’ as part of ourselves. When we love, we overlook  faults, get mad and get over it, and feel at ease and connection rather than longing.  

So…the more willing we are to be kind to ourselves, and to let go of the harsh critical way we talk to ourselves, the easier it becomes to know that love has always been patiently waiting for us.  As my friend Mark said, “We have to stop being Shouldaholics”…to experience Being in Love. So stop a moment, and allow Love to catch up.

 

My experience tells me that we are made from the love that we seek, that love is a conscious thread connecting everything and everyone, and that we can experience all the wonder and brilliance that love is, any time we choose. Living in Love is freeing and healing. And I don’t mean feeling agog with sappy sentimentality- on the contrary- the Love we are in is a potent, fierce, powerful, creative energy which burns bright with clarity and purpose.

Just for the next few minutes, I invite you to pause, and let yourself feel that you are Seen and Known. You are Accepted and Valued as you are.   You are loved.

  XO

Raven 

PS: If you’d like to experience what I am expressing in this post, check this out.

http://www.stresswizardcoaching.com/#!classes-and-workshops/f0fes