CHOICE AND RESPONSIBILITY

To have power in our lives, we must accept the consequences of our choices. Unfortunately, what seems to be free will choice is often a product of our bias, and of our unconscious filters that blind us to any reality that does not fit with the way we want things (or people) to be.  When we fail to challenge our own minds, and neglect the responsibility of testing our own assumptions, we then have to live with the uninformed decisions we have made and their unintended consequences.
                
I stand for a world in which women are treated with equal respect and given equal opportunities and equal pay as men. I stand for a world in which our bodies are sacred and our reproductive rights are upheld. I stand for a world in which people of all colors and all gender orientations are safe from persecution. I vow to strive every day to make my actions reflect inclusiveness, compassion, and tolerance for those different from me.

I want to believe that each of us doing this in our own hearts, families and neighborhoods, is enough. The truth is, I don’t know.  We MUST find and reach the tipping point that allows the good of the many to outweigh the needs of the few.

 So I will also say this as well: that I will fight, protest, march on Washington and participate in a revolution if necessary to protect those who are bullied, persecuted and threatened.  To do any less, is to agree to take a giant evolutionary step backwards.

Not on my watch.

Stand with me. Stand up for what is good and right in people and in the world. Stand against passivity that permits racism and sexism to flourish. Stand for a world in which we evolve consciously, set aside our differences, and unite for our greater good.

THE DISEASE OF BLIND OBEDIENCE

When we are taught to be obedient, rather than how to be self-referent thinkers, our common sense and inner moral compass , as well as our health and happiness is at risk. Obedience turns us into zombiis- it dampens our humanity and robs us of our faith in our own ability to notice and respond authentically.  What, you say? We neeeed obedience? No. Not blind obedience, absolutely not. 

 Even children in primary school can learn cooperation and communication rather than blind obedience. Sure…there are a few (very few) circumstances in which obedience is life saving : fire drills, military operations, imminent tornado or flood warnings…but these are the exception rather than the rule.  This kind of knee-jerk obedience is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a healthy way to live.

The worst part is that so many people believe that they are not blindly obedient, when they obviously are. Obedience is an old and deeply rooted  pattern that we are indoctrinated with from a very early age. We are told in implicit and explicit ways to ‘Do what your parents, teachers, doctors, clergy, religion, leaders say…because they know better than you do what is good and right for you.’ This is a dangerous and life sucking lie.

 

Ask yourself honestly how often you really check in with your OWN mind and gut to make decisions rather than defer to your spouse, parent, doctor, media, magazine articles…blabla bla…to TELL you what to do. If you are honest with yourself you might just look in the mirror and see a sheep looking back.  There are lots of Sheeple. Do not resign yourself to that life.

People who know how to think on their own are not victims, they  are the authors- the authority- in their own lives. They learn from their mistakes, think critically, use their intuitive senses, and fact-check before believing any ‘authority’ blindly.  Do not blindly trust any authority. History is written by the winners, and even medical ‘facts’ are revised or reversed with shocking regularity.  Look at the political and religious idiots (throughout history and currently) who blindly obey the dictates of their party or their faith in direct opposition to  common sense and basic human kindness.

Please, be a rebel. Start today.  Do not join the shadow people who wait for permission that will never come. Permission can only come from within you.  The rules of obedience can turn you into a helpless, hopelessly lost zombie always in search of someone else’s brain to make your decision. Stop it. Right now.  Begin by looking deeply at the rules, beliefs, and ideas that keep you in a loop of repeating (or tolerating) behaviors that don’t work for you.  Rebel. Just say NO. Make your preferences clear. Start somewhere…you can change anything- your schedule, job, wardrobe, spouse, hairstyle, babysitter, bank, residence, doctor, diet, hobbies, friends…whatever. Just begin.

We are born with permission to be fully alive, to make our own choices, and to be happy, playful, creative Beings. We do not require permission from any outside authority to have the lives we want to have. Get the disease of blind obedience out of your life, and I promise you, much pleasure and joy will come your way.
 

(For a painful and frightening look at obedience, read about the Milgram research.)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTX42lVDwA4

THE ONE SENTENCE CLARITY PRACTICE

One thing that will drain the life out of a relationship faster than a vampire on a rampage, is the habit of believing the bullshit stories our mind invents rather than doing a reality check to see if anything we’re making up is valid.

Let’s face it…we make up meaning that makes us look good…or ‘innocent’ while pretending  other people are  uncaring  asshats or worse. And the worst part is, it happens so quickly that people often have no clue that what they think is a pretense,  taking the conclusion that their insecure, gotta-be-right ego has reached as The Truth. Without bothering to fact check.  

Meaning gets substituted for reality so quickly people will argue to defend their position even AFTER the facts have been presented.  People…we’ve got to stop this. We’ve got to help each other stop this, also.  Let me introduce you to the One Sentence Clarity Cure.

When someone is going on and on (and on and on) about how they feel ‘battered’ or ‘attacked’  or ‘always misunderstood’ by something you said, and you find yourself like the proverbial deer in the headlights wondering, WTF? , it’s time for you to interrupt their rant. That’s right. Just interrupt them. 

And also  learn to interrupt yourself!   Here is a practice that will help you get over issues with greater honesty, ease and speed.

1.       To be understood you must be clear. To be clear you must be precise. To be precise you must select words that convey both fact and your interpretation (meaning) Use Very few words. One solid sentence.

2.       Make time to take face to face. No texting or emailing that gets passed off as ‘communication’ Don’t drink alcohol while you’re talking.

3.       Stay on topic. Offer one sentence of information or report a feeling. ONE. Do not ramble. Do not devolve into explaining, story-telling, defending your position or blaming.  Then let your partner respond.

4.       When you respond, keep it very short. Say what you heard or what you feel(in your body) , or what emotion you’re feeling,  or ask a clarifying question, or report what you think about what you just heard.

5.       Listen deeply. If you catch yourself thinking ahead, or shifting into blame, ask your partner to REPEAT the sentence again. This time, listen deeply.

6.       Interrupt each other and be interruptable if either of you start to ramble, blame, go into story telling or defending.

7.       Remember that you are on the same team and your goal is to understand (not agree with, just understand) how your partner thinks, feels and frames experiences.

8.       Be aware of the meaning YOU EACH make out of each other’s communications.  You will find that the conclusions you  each jump to are repetitive and familiar. Be aware that you will each automatically and unconsciously invest in making meaning that reflects your past experiences in relationships. Strive to notice and redirect your thinking.

 

9. Finally, rather than sit down braced for a fight and expecting the ‘same old stuff’ to happen, please begin by taking a few breaths together and by sharing out loud your desire and commitment to relate in a way that allows each of you to share opinions, reveal feelings, make requests and agree to disagree. 

 

 Ultimately, knowing each other more deeply and accepting each other more fully is the desired outcome.  Love is acceptance. The more able you are to recognize your automatic defensive bullshit and accept responsibility for your own fears, insecurities and for dealing with past hurts, the easier it is to accept someone else, regardless of their bullshit, pushing past it, not taking it personally, and accepting (loving) the person anyway.  I am by no stretch of the imagination suggesting to you put up with bullshit, or inflict yours on others without remorse...what I AM saying is that there is a way out, a way to have greater honesty and understanding, and this practice will help you achieve that.

 
Let me know how this works for you! And, feel free to submit your questions about relating if you’d like me to address them in my upcoming Podcast.
  http://www.stresswizardcoaching.com/#!podcast/jqidn

CHOOSING HAPPINESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

OK, here's the final installment of the Happiness Conversation.

Sometimes we know how to be happy when we are alone, but adding a partner throws a wrench into the works.  Many people are taught the lie that  “Love” somehow mysteriously takes care of all our differences and we think “ If he/she loved me then he/she would____” And we fill in that blank with every single assumption we make based on what we make love mean. 

The problem here is, that we rarely ASK our partner about what ‘feels like love’ nor do we share what actions/behaviors ‘feel like love’ to us. And NO, there is no universal reality here. To be happy, we must stop pretending to know what our partner’s relationship likes and dislikes are and we must stop assuming our partner knows what ours are.

 So, when you think “I shouldn’t have to spell it out” or  “ We don’t have to negotiate or compromise”, you have created a recipe for dissatisfaction, resentment and drama, that may ultimately  kill your relationship.  

Here’s how to Choose happiness in Relationships. ..

First, I am reminding you that love = acceptance. When we love the dog, we love him without reservation, even when he sheds, smells, wakes you in the middle of the night, or poops on the floor.  You assume (correctly) that the dog is doing doggy things and is not trying to make you crazy or piss you off. When it comes to our partners, we skip over the reality they too are simply doing what they do, and we forget that our judgments and upsets are based, on what we have decided that behavior MEANS.  (He doesn’t love me. She is using me. Etc.)

Please take the time to sit quietly in a calm beautiful environment, and share with your partner , exactly what you like and don’t like. What feels loving to you. What words and behaviors trigger you. Share what your thought process is and what you enjoy most -and least- about each other's habits and behaviors…Be clear and specific. Not judgmental or parental. Talk about yourself…not blaming your partner for how you feel or what you think, just revealing what’s there. And when you make requests, be very specific about what you mean.

 Don’t say “I want to be touched more” when what you mean is, “I’d like to hold hands when we go for a walk’”  Don’t say,  “ I prefer when we make plans and stick to them” when you mean “I feel anxious or taken by surprise when we don’t plan. I don’t much enjoy spur of the moment decisions.”  Once you know the basics, you can negotiate.

When I talk about ‘Negotiating” in a relationship,  I mean this:  Discovering how to allow your partner to have what he/she wants, without ignoring or giving up what you want.   At the heart of negotiation is a game you learn to play with your partner called “How can we both feel more loved and satisfied?”

Negotiation is not a business contract, it is a discovery process in which you both get to have more of what you want.   

(And yes, some things may be deal breakers, perhaps infidelity, drug use or violence for example, and then you can choose to walk away with compassion rather than stay and feel like a victim, or become their a parent or prosecutor. )

As you talk openly, you also will discover what meaning or motive your partner assigns to some of your behaviors and actions.   You need to know this. NOT to take on responsibility for how your partner feels, and NOT to make you change your behavior, but to be aware of your partner’s thought process.  To understand what’s going on inside them.  Be sure to reveal your own stuff without trying to ‘sell’ the ‘false’ idea that it’s your partner’s duty to do what you want. It’s not.

Do not waste time and energy trying to make your partner enjoy something he or she does not enjoy just so you can “be together”. That will not work.   (I have often taken a nap or a swim when Sunday football came on TV.)
For example, if you are an early riser but your partner is a night owl, you can choose to be quiet, or go to another room rather than wake your partner. Similarly, if you are the night owl but your partner is falling asleep after sundown, you may choose to save romantic advances for a time when both of you are likely to be responsive. (Seems like common sense, right?  Well, it IS)

Or, in the case of Compromise, sometimes you may choose to change a behavior that your partner has a very hard time with even though you know you are not to ‘blame’. This is Compromise. This is willingly choosing to do something differently, NOT because your partner tells you that you must, in order for her/him not to feel bad, but because you see a place where you can contribute to your partner’s happiness and at the same time, not make yourself less happy.  

Examples: Tim sets his phone alarm once a week to remind him to stop and buy flowers for his wife after she had expressed how loved she feels when someone gives her flowers.

Peggy found a new Yoga class so she could have breakfast with her man on Saturday mornings, after he expressed how much he hates waking up to an empty house Saturday mornings. She thought she was giving him time and space to wake up & had no idea he felt that way. What they get  back is the pleasure of their partner’s pleasure. 

Clear communication, direct requests, and owning your own stuff WORKS. Making demands, whining, blaming, demanding and trying to be ‘right’ causes drama and misery.

Here’s a true Compromise story : My friend (who dislikes sports) goes to a few ball-games a year with her husband (who loves baseball!) and usually brings  knitting, or a book.  Afterwards, they go to her favorite pizza restaurant which is near the ballfield. He could care less about pizza, and isn’t much of a fan of eating out- but it reminds her of the neighborhood she grew up in and feels like ‘home’ to go there. This way, they both willingly give each other something they each desire. Though she still doesn’t like sports, she admits she has come to enjoy the energy of the crowd. She now finds his cheering endearing, while once she labeled it juvenile.  He has gotten to be friends with one of the restaurant owners, and they’ve become golf buddies. There are often unexpected benefits to getting out of our comfort zones.

This is Compromise…willingly doing that which we would not typically do in an open minded and giving way. This is FAR different from the attitude of grudgingly going somewhere and then holding it against your partner, and thinking (or worse, saying) “Well, I went to that shitty ballgame, now the least you can do is take me to my favorite restaurant.” 

First,  make deliberate choices in which you do what you want to do, and don’t do what you don’t want to do, then you can negotiate the territory in between. This is what happy couples do.

When we’re stuck in some attic of the mind in which our version of relating and love is out of sync with reality,  we have a very hard time feeling loved and relating with ease. This is something we can change through clear honest communication and direct action. 

In review, to be Happy in a Relationship, begin with a deeper level of self- honesty than you are accustomed to. Then talk, revealing to each other what you like, and don’t like, how you feel, and what your preferences are.  Negotiate. Play the Game “ How can we both feel More Loved & Satisfied”.   Practice finding new ways to Choose Happiness, and let me know how you do!  

XO

Raven

Feel free to direct your thoughts to me at raven@stresswizardcoaching.com

ABOUT BEING HAPPY PART TWO

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” —Anais Nin

Finding Joy in small daily routines and activities by deliberately calling your mind back from thinking about ‘other things’ to the pleasure of the moment, is one of the most powerful and satisfying habits you can have.

When we habitually ‘look ahead’, waiting for ease, happiness, relief and pleasure to come as the result of accomplishing a goal, attaining some new possession, or becoming proficient at some skill, we program our mind to ignore or dismiss all of the love, ease, joy and sensual pleasure available right here, right now in this very moment.

I know people who have gone through the majority of their lives looking ahead to some future in which happiness would arrive rather than enjoying the people and the life they have had every day along the way.  Do not make that mistake.  Start now…make Joy a priority.

 Slow down. Take in the little things. Call a friend. Pet the dog. Play. Eat foods that you enjoy slowly with your full attention. Take time to look up at the sky…watch the clouds, see the moon.  Feel your body. Right now , go ahead. Breathe and feel that breath…

There will always be more work to do, grass to cut, dishes to wash, errands to run…but this moment in which pleasure and connection and love are available to you is fleeting. The good news is, there will be another moment following that one…but it won’t matter if you are living in your head, thinking about the car, the errands, the job, rather than experiencing the life you have in the here and now.

Life is made of moments of experience that flow like a river, and if you’re in your mind thinking about life rather than being present in the boat-the body - that you are in, it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself stuck in the weeds, crashed on the rocks or heading over the falls. Flowing with the river consciously brings ease, timing, grace and pleasure into your days. And this is what choosing happiness looks like on the most fundamental level.

Practice: Breathe, call yourself back to your body, and experience the taste and warmth of that sip of coffee, see the bird on the wire when you stop at the red light, notice the scent of freshly cut grass as you take out the trash.

Treat Life as a game to be played, not a race to be won.  I mean PLAY in the true rich sense of a child at play. Full in, complete attention, sensation filled, fun, pleasurable play best describes the way people who love their jobs, love their hobbies or love their relationships experience those things. Take it on. Find ways to play. Cultivate a bigger broader sense of humor. Get out of your comfort zone. Do the equivalent of barreling down the tallest slide on the playground. And have fun with whatever you’re doing. Make a game of annoying or difficult things. Stop for a snack when you’re done. Put a gold star on your calendar…seriously, I know people who do this and just enjoy the hell outta those little stars!

When Life is Play everything improves…your health, your looks, your relationships…and even the people around you benefit from your growing ease, humor and joy.

 

 Practice: PLAY Don’t step on sidewalk cracks for an hour. Count how many cars go by. Can I caw like that crow?  Dig up a ball and play catch. Also, make games of things in daily life...  How fast can I get in & out of the grocery store? How many days in a row can I get to the gym? Who can I tell a joke to? (I love emailing people jokes!), How many dishes can I fit in the dishwasher? These games are useful two ways..not only do they make ordinary tasks more fun, they also force you to be in the moment, not in your head thinking of something else!  A twofer.  You’re  likely to forget the bread if you’re wandering around the store thinking of what you have to do next, barely conscious that you’re shopping, but playing a grocery store game puts you in the moment, makes you efficient, and gives you a little thrill of pleasure. So go for it! Make life a game, and PLAY!  

If Joy were a pill it would be flying off the shelves. Well it’s free, and you can have as much as you want.  Having joy does not depend on anything but your point of view. 

I am reminded of the neighborhood kids in the slum I grew up in…poor, dirty…often on the street late at night on a Friday night…banging joyfully on steel drums originally made from old trash cans…bringing a rich deep pleasure to the neighborhood that even had the old grannies out swaying to the rhythm. Mindset, not circumstances makes the difference between suffering and happiness.

No matter how much you think your life may suck, you still have the ability to feel moments of true pleasure and playful abandon. Take those moments, and make yourself-and the world richer.

OK…I’ll be back in 2 weeks with the final  installment of this conversation. Feel free to direct your thoughts to me at raven@stresswizardcoaching.com

 

CHOOSING HAPPINESS Part One

For so many people, life is a cocktail of obligation and stress with moments of ease, pleasure and connection…but not too much pleasure…and only if it’s ‘earned’. Sounds crazy, right?   It is.
Some people learn to choose happiness, and experience a background of connection and ease with moments of stress.  Less stress, greater ease means you’ll have more time, better health, fewer conflicts and faster resolutions to those you do have. Better than all that is the feeling of expansion, of ‘rightness’ that slowly becomes the norm rather than the exception.

Let me be clear: By suggesting that you choose happiness, I am NOT suggesting that you live in some unicorn-filled fairy land in which you put on a happy face…far from it. What I am suggesting is that you STOP living in the consensual trance that uses fear and approval to keep you doing what you don’t want to do for people for people whose opinions do not matter.

 You can alter the way you experience life by dedicating yourself to practices which will set you on a far more satisfying path than the one you may be on. Start Here…

 

Practice One: Trust your experience and your body (your senses) more than your mind. Your mind will present old repetitive thought patterns as if those thoughts are the truth and the promised outcome will be your reality. It’s bullshit a lot of the time. The mind lies.  Notice…If you keep doing the same thing and you get the same unsatisfying results , whatever you’re doing isn’t working for you. Your mind may tell you to do it louder, repeat it more, explain, defend and justify yourself….UG…no. Do. Something. Else.

“It is estimated that about 95% of our seemingly conscious “choic­es” are not choices at all, but behavioral decisions predetermined by our past associations. This, combined with our tendency to skip over or dismiss the information we receive as hunches, intuitions, and sensations, keeps us stuck.” From the Book of How

 One way to start playing with this practice is to discipline yourself to say yes when you mean yes and NO when you mean NO. So often stress is produced by saying ‘yes’ to please, to look good, to gain favor or to obligate someone, rather than feeling that YES in the gut. So please start here. Stop before you agree to do something and check in with yourself.

Do what makes you happy. Don’t do what makes you miserable.  And this does not mean to go tell people what they should do, so you can be happy! Learning to choose Happiness, is all about being responsible for and kind to yourself. You don’t have to defend, justify or explain a ‘no’ answer. Would you try to explain why you don’t like broccoli?  No.  Enough said. Carry on.

Practice Two: Restoring  Basic Kindness. Rest when you feel tired. Eat when you are hungry. Go to the bathroom when you gotta go. Sounds easy, right? Well here’s your two week challenge: See how often you can catch yourself ignoring, denying or suppressing the bodily sensations that tell you to eat, rest or eliminate…and give yourself permission instantly to give your body what it’s asking for. I hear your mind right now, arguing the case to postpone, so knock it off.  Breathe. Connect. Eat, Rest, Eliminate.

OK…I’ll be back in 2 weeks with the 2^nd installment of this conversation. Feel free to direct your thoughts to me at raven@stresswizardcoaching.com

THE MYSTERIOUS WORLDS WE LIVE IN

People often tell me things they won’t tell other people for fear they’d be laughed at or ridiculed.   Many times, the experiences they relate have a mysterious quality…something that expanded the way they think of the way reality works. Lately, I have realized how very important it is that these experiences are heard, validated and explored.  Not because we will explain or solve them, or even fully understand them, but because if they are denied and ignored we are robbed of their value. Mysterious yet real experiences  impact our lives, sometimes in profound ways.  When we consider that our Deep Mind, our subconscious mind, is the part of our awareness making the vast majority of our decisions (even though we believe otherwise) it would be wise to begin attending to the information and experiences which come through its gates.

“ Your conscious mind is like a tiny stowaway on a transatlantic steamship, taking credit for the journey without acknowledging the massive engineering underfoot.” INCOGNITO, The Secret Lives Of The Brain by David Eagleman

 Sure, some people are nuttier than a convention of squirrels. I’m talking about hearing very credible people, among them, policemen, doctors and nurses share incredible experiences of visits from the dead, dreams warning of a disaster, synchronicities that led them down a certain path, precognitive visions, and much weirder tales. 

I am writing this blog to tell you plainly, that these mysterious events we  have are real…That our reality is embedded in a larger deeper reality, and that we can awaken more consciously to this interplay between the seen and unseen worlds.  As we do this, we evolve.  This is not supernatural or paranormal woo-woo…it is the next step in our development as human beings to integrate more of the information (signals, frequencies, realities) that lie just at the edges of our perception. 

 

 There are PLENTY of things that are quite real that we cannot see or hear. Ask any scientist if you want a quick education in the limitations of our sensory system compared to the input that’s available.  Yet, it is the nature of our minds to develop, grow, expand and evolve…and I am inviting you to ‘step out of the closet’ and share your experiences, coincidences, visitations, encounters and dreams.

 

 A few experiences that have been shared with me:

A mother, (also an ER doctor) was almost home from work at 2:30am when she saw a large owl swoop down in front of her car…Without knowing why, she turned the car around and headed back towards the hospital, jumping on the highway to get there faster.  A few minutes from the exit she saw a car on the side of the road and realized suddenly it was her daughter’s car. She pulled over and discovered that the car had run out of gas while her daughter was on her way back from a wedding reception. The daughter thought mom had received her text, but mom’s phone was still in her locker at the hospital.

A Hospice nurse was attending a woman who was actively dying. Mrs. X, would occasionally wake and ask for her brother, who was on a flight in from California. The woman sat straight up, looked at the empty doorway with a radiant smile, said “There you are!” and died. They noted the time of death as 2:27ET.  Forty minutes later hospice received a phone call to notify them that Mrs. X’s brother who had had a lay-over in Denver, collapsed and died of a heart attack at the airport. He was pronounced dead at 2:25 ET.  The attending nurse was certain he’d come to get his sister.

There’s a former client who made or refused business deals (worth millions) based on whether or not he got the right sign from the universe. He was well -known for his ’nearly magical and uncanny’ business acumen. What people didn’t know was that he waited for a sign from pigeons. If he got the sign, he signed and if not, not. But for him, it was 100% reliable. Once, he was in a meeting on the 23rd floor of a building, negotiating with the CEO of a huge company that really wanted the deal. The CEO wanted him to sign right then and there- something this guy never ever did without a pigeon report. Just as he got up and walked towards the window to take a break from the meeting and grab a coffee, a pigeon smashed into the glass and plummeted 23 floors to the pavement. He did not sign, and oh yeah, that business went down the drain when the CEO was arrested for fraud later that year.

This is not coincidence. This is communication.  When we enter the woods, there is always a hand that can show us the way back home…I am reminding you that the world as you think it is, is  filtered by your beliefs and expectations. Seeing isn't believing...open mindedness allows deeper seeing.  Through these mysterious experiences you can have glimpses of the true nature of the complexity of the natural world and the magnificent nature of the being that you are.

If you have had unexplainable experiences feel free to share them with me. Send to:  raven@stresswizardcoaching.com.  I will listen with an open mind.  I have had plenty of edgy experiences myself, and my life has been shaped by them in remarkable ways.

IS THE GRIM REAPER REALLY GRIM?

Death is inevitable.  This is something we deny, hide from, think of as failure and pretend will never happen to us.  We pump embalming fluid into the bodies our dead, seal them in expensive air-tight satin filled boxes and pretend that they will be preserved as we remember them forever.

We barely mourn because we don’t have permission to fully express our grief without being shushed, or told they’re in a ‘better place’ or that they’re not dead, just transformed. Well fine. The dead may be alive elsewhere (and I'm fairly sure that they are), but their warm flesh will forever be missing from our arms once they have shrugged off their bodies. Mourning is healthy natural, and useful.  We may find ourselves kinder, more attentive and more present to the living if we face the reality that everyone we know will leave us someday- unless of course, we leave them first. Death reminds us to Live- and to value and appreciate our loved ones today.

We live in a culture in which death is seen as  ‘failure’, rather than as a passage that we attend to with intention and the fullness of our presence.  We have made Death out to be a villain, the Bad Guy.  The Grim Reaper. Yet  Hospice workers, those who live in the presence of Death constantly are some of the happiest,  most aware people I have ever known. 

My life has been framed by death. My father was an embalmer and funeral director, so I had a front row seat when it came to all that goes into making a body ready for burial, not to mention living upstairs from the host of grieving people and the slow parade of  dead that passed through the funeral home.  I have had plenty of firsthand, experience also- starting with my Mother who died suddenly just after I’d turned 14 and my Dad who  died when I was 21.  

Death is not evil and is certainly not failure.  If we allow ourselves to truly consider and contemplate our own deaths, something wonderful and life affirming happens.  We make better choices, we spend time on what is important, we stop sweating the small stuff, we give up fighting over petty grievances…we grow up. People who have experienced  a brush with death or the experience of losing many loved ones, often develop a kinship with death. One in which Death is a Guide, Teacher and Ally rather than a Grim Reaper to be feared and avoided.

Death, when he comes for me, will not be Grim. He will be beautiful and shining, and he will hold open a magnificent door, and hold out his hand to guide me across to that lovely place where I will be welcomed and celebrated by those who have gone before me. And I will smile at him and take his hand. In the meantime, I intend to Live and Love with every ounce of my being, I will play hard and enjoy all the wonders life offers, so than when Death comes, I will have no regrets.

 

 

 

Those who attend to the dying know that there is something mysterious and magnificent happening as we approach death. Here is  an article & a video, if you wish to deepen your appreciation of this subject. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/02/health/dreams-dying-deathbed-interpretation-delirium.html?_r=0 

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbnBe-vXGQM     TedX talk

 

 

 

 

 

NOBODY'S HAPPY ALL THE TIME

Two potent skills that that I highly recommend developing are self-awareness and living more in the moment than in your head. These are attainable and worthwhile aspirations, yet neither will give you a life in which you are La-Dee-Da happy all the time.

Those chipper, cheerful people with the perpetual smiles and overly friendly voices who spout positivity the way pigeons drop turds on statues are, if you watch carefully, holding a mask in place that covers an ordinary human with ordinary moods underneath the façade. It’s exhausting to be ‘on’ all the time, not to mention phony.

 

Nothing will deliver a fully conflict free, stress free life. And that’s OK. We’re designed to handle and grow from the challenges of loss, uncertainty, change and conflict.  In fact, when we have challenges that make us break old patterns, think outside the box, learn new skills and develop new ways of navigating life we are actually happier and healthier! We require a certain amount of friction through which we evolve, get smarter, feel accomplished, learn what we’re good at and discover when to ask for help.

So if you imagine that you can or should attain some mindset in which you’d  never be angry, sad, hurt, or annoyed …just stop tormenting yourself right now. Yes, there will be challenges,  BUT you can face those challenges with grace and openness, rising to meet them rather than feeling like a victim. Here’s how to start…

 

By shifting you attention from the stories, events and beliefs that trigger feelings of fear and helplessness to noticing what is going right in your life and in the world, you can create a background feeling of safety and rightness to rely on when those conflicts come your way. 

Get out of your head ...and into your body.

I have a friend who calmed himself throughout a long ordeal of chemotherapy, exactly this way. He constantly interrupted the endless loop of doom stories his mind by noticing the kid laughing down the hall, watching the clouds cross the sky, asking for a foot-rub, playing cards with his nephew...until over time, he told me he just got to a place in which he knew, even if he died, especially if he died, he was not going to waste any moments that he COULD be enjoying.

   

That is the key to having a life grounded in happiness. Not perpetual happiness without anger or fear  or irritation, but a life in which returning to happiness is something that you know how to do and can do reliably.    Learning how to notice what is good and right in your life, in your heart , in others and in the world every day is good medicine. Good for your health, your relationships and every other aspect of your life. 

This one practice makes all the difference when you’re not feeling happy.  It shows you how to still take in the pleasure of a sunrise, or the comfort of a friend rather than isolate yourself and feel like a victim. It helps you see what you’ve done well regardless of mistakes you’ve made…and best of all, with time, you will come to a place of knowing- a feeling deep in your bones- that in times of trouble, someone, somehow will always have your back. 

 

A NEW LOOK AT LOVE

Well, next month is valentine's Day, so we are inundated with hearts and flowers and notions of romance. But really...what is love? It's much bigger that the brief romantic encounters we have- deeper than the sentimental Hallmark movies, and ultimately, more important to us than anything else in our lives. 

 

We long for it. We fear it. We fall into in and out of it. We withhold it from ourselves, and seek it even though it’s around us and inside us. It is the force that creates and sustains the world.  What if, just for a moment, you stopped trying to feel worthy of love, quit wondering if you were loved, stopped seeking love and simply allowed yourself to have the love that is already always waiting for you? Let the appreciation that others have for you wash over you like a gentle breeze. Let yourself feel the embrace of the sun above and the ground below you. Love is vast and ever-present.

What if you stopped idealizing, sentimentalizing and romanticizing love just for a minute? You might begin to recognize that we are all ‘in love’- much the same way that fish are in water. It surrounds, supports, nourishes, penetrates us. It is possible, when we stop striving, seeking and obsessing, to notice that love simply is.

When we try to put love into words, we end up with categories…romantic love, familial love, brotherly/sisterly love, parental love, self-love…and we have made up plenty of rules and stories about how all those relationships are ‘supposed’ to look.  Yet, when we feel loved, whether by a friend, a spouse or a dog we are ‘ourselves’ no longer putting on an show or trying to ‘win’ love.

The common ground that all forms of true love share is acceptance. To be seen and known and accepted as we are- warts and all. This is one reason we gravitate towards having pets. We are free to love and feel loved by a dog or cat no matter what we do or don’t do. No matter what failures or faults we may have. Love is a level of acceptance in which we identify with the ‘other’ as part of ourselves. When we love, we overlook  faults, get mad and get over it, and feel at ease and connection rather than longing.  

So…the more willing we are to be kind to ourselves, and to let go of the harsh critical way we talk to ourselves, the easier it becomes to know that love has always been patiently waiting for us.  As my friend Mark said, “We have to stop being Shouldaholics”…to experience Being in Love. So stop a moment, and allow Love to catch up.

 

My experience tells me that we are made from the love that we seek, that love is a conscious thread connecting everything and everyone, and that we can experience all the wonder and brilliance that love is, any time we choose. Living in Love is freeing and healing. And I don’t mean feeling agog with sappy sentimentality- on the contrary- the Love we are in is a potent, fierce, powerful, creative energy which burns bright with clarity and purpose.

Just for the next few minutes, I invite you to pause, and let yourself feel that you are Seen and Known. You are Accepted and Valued as you are.   You are loved.

  XO

Raven 

PS: If you’d like to experience what I am expressing in this post, check this out.

http://www.stresswizardcoaching.com/#!classes-and-workshops/f0fes