CHOOSING HAPPINESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

OK, here's the final installment of the Happiness Conversation.

Sometimes we know how to be happy when we are alone, but adding a partner throws a wrench into the works.  Many people are taught the lie that  “Love” somehow mysteriously takes care of all our differences and we think “ If he/she loved me then he/she would____” And we fill in that blank with every single assumption we make based on what we make love mean. 

The problem here is, that we rarely ASK our partner about what ‘feels like love’ nor do we share what actions/behaviors ‘feel like love’ to us. And NO, there is no universal reality here. To be happy, we must stop pretending to know what our partner’s relationship likes and dislikes are and we must stop assuming our partner knows what ours are.

 So, when you think “I shouldn’t have to spell it out” or  “ We don’t have to negotiate or compromise”, you have created a recipe for dissatisfaction, resentment and drama, that may ultimately  kill your relationship.  

Here’s how to Choose happiness in Relationships. ..

First, I am reminding you that love = acceptance. When we love the dog, we love him without reservation, even when he sheds, smells, wakes you in the middle of the night, or poops on the floor.  You assume (correctly) that the dog is doing doggy things and is not trying to make you crazy or piss you off. When it comes to our partners, we skip over the reality they too are simply doing what they do, and we forget that our judgments and upsets are based, on what we have decided that behavior MEANS.  (He doesn’t love me. She is using me. Etc.)

Please take the time to sit quietly in a calm beautiful environment, and share with your partner , exactly what you like and don’t like. What feels loving to you. What words and behaviors trigger you. Share what your thought process is and what you enjoy most -and least- about each other's habits and behaviors…Be clear and specific. Not judgmental or parental. Talk about yourself…not blaming your partner for how you feel or what you think, just revealing what’s there. And when you make requests, be very specific about what you mean.

 Don’t say “I want to be touched more” when what you mean is, “I’d like to hold hands when we go for a walk’”  Don’t say,  “ I prefer when we make plans and stick to them” when you mean “I feel anxious or taken by surprise when we don’t plan. I don’t much enjoy spur of the moment decisions.”  Once you know the basics, you can negotiate.

When I talk about ‘Negotiating” in a relationship,  I mean this:  Discovering how to allow your partner to have what he/she wants, without ignoring or giving up what you want.   At the heart of negotiation is a game you learn to play with your partner called “How can we both feel more loved and satisfied?”

Negotiation is not a business contract, it is a discovery process in which you both get to have more of what you want.   

(And yes, some things may be deal breakers, perhaps infidelity, drug use or violence for example, and then you can choose to walk away with compassion rather than stay and feel like a victim, or become their a parent or prosecutor. )

As you talk openly, you also will discover what meaning or motive your partner assigns to some of your behaviors and actions.   You need to know this. NOT to take on responsibility for how your partner feels, and NOT to make you change your behavior, but to be aware of your partner’s thought process.  To understand what’s going on inside them.  Be sure to reveal your own stuff without trying to ‘sell’ the ‘false’ idea that it’s your partner’s duty to do what you want. It’s not.

Do not waste time and energy trying to make your partner enjoy something he or she does not enjoy just so you can “be together”. That will not work.   (I have often taken a nap or a swim when Sunday football came on TV.)
For example, if you are an early riser but your partner is a night owl, you can choose to be quiet, or go to another room rather than wake your partner. Similarly, if you are the night owl but your partner is falling asleep after sundown, you may choose to save romantic advances for a time when both of you are likely to be responsive. (Seems like common sense, right?  Well, it IS)

Or, in the case of Compromise, sometimes you may choose to change a behavior that your partner has a very hard time with even though you know you are not to ‘blame’. This is Compromise. This is willingly choosing to do something differently, NOT because your partner tells you that you must, in order for her/him not to feel bad, but because you see a place where you can contribute to your partner’s happiness and at the same time, not make yourself less happy.  

Examples: Tim sets his phone alarm once a week to remind him to stop and buy flowers for his wife after she had expressed how loved she feels when someone gives her flowers.

Peggy found a new Yoga class so she could have breakfast with her man on Saturday mornings, after he expressed how much he hates waking up to an empty house Saturday mornings. She thought she was giving him time and space to wake up & had no idea he felt that way. What they get  back is the pleasure of their partner’s pleasure. 

Clear communication, direct requests, and owning your own stuff WORKS. Making demands, whining, blaming, demanding and trying to be ‘right’ causes drama and misery.

Here’s a true Compromise story : My friend (who dislikes sports) goes to a few ball-games a year with her husband (who loves baseball!) and usually brings  knitting, or a book.  Afterwards, they go to her favorite pizza restaurant which is near the ballfield. He could care less about pizza, and isn’t much of a fan of eating out- but it reminds her of the neighborhood she grew up in and feels like ‘home’ to go there. This way, they both willingly give each other something they each desire. Though she still doesn’t like sports, she admits she has come to enjoy the energy of the crowd. She now finds his cheering endearing, while once she labeled it juvenile.  He has gotten to be friends with one of the restaurant owners, and they’ve become golf buddies. There are often unexpected benefits to getting out of our comfort zones.

This is Compromise…willingly doing that which we would not typically do in an open minded and giving way. This is FAR different from the attitude of grudgingly going somewhere and then holding it against your partner, and thinking (or worse, saying) “Well, I went to that shitty ballgame, now the least you can do is take me to my favorite restaurant.” 

First,  make deliberate choices in which you do what you want to do, and don’t do what you don’t want to do, then you can negotiate the territory in between. This is what happy couples do.

When we’re stuck in some attic of the mind in which our version of relating and love is out of sync with reality,  we have a very hard time feeling loved and relating with ease. This is something we can change through clear honest communication and direct action. 

In review, to be Happy in a Relationship, begin with a deeper level of self- honesty than you are accustomed to. Then talk, revealing to each other what you like, and don’t like, how you feel, and what your preferences are.  Negotiate. Play the Game “ How can we both feel More Loved & Satisfied”.   Practice finding new ways to Choose Happiness, and let me know how you do!  

XO

Raven

Feel free to direct your thoughts to me at raven@stresswizardcoaching.com