People often feel overwhelmed by thinking of the word "responsibility' and all the exhausting meaning making that tends to go with it. What if being able to Respond-rather than React was an ability, a skill one could practice to become better adept at communicating with others. We can get triggered by almost anything, and react defensively, accusingly, feel hurt, get pissed and start passing the blame to anyone in the vicinity. I've done it, and I'm sure you have too.
But the truth is that the buck stops with each of us. No one is responsible for your state of mind but you. Sure, we all get annoyed, hurt and react...however, if you learn to note the reaction as just that-a reaction-not objective reality- then you have the opportunity to respond to the situation, rather than get stuck defending and pretending that your reaction is anything more than that.
Look, I know it can be hard to take, but in reality your parents, partners , and other people from your past are simply not to blame for whatever behavioral dead ends you find yourself in. Yes, they may be responsible for teaching you some of the craptastic beliefs and habits that make your life less than stellar, but you and only you have the power to notice what you're doing that is leading you down those dead end roads and learn how to do something else.
Revealing what you are thinking and how you are feeling rather than assuming, accusing, and blaming, will allow you to respond rather than get clogged up in the reaction. This is what true responsibility means. Not taking blame. Not giving blame. Accepting that you cannot change others but you can alter how you respond, and get free from many of the ways you torment yourself (and probably also irritate the hell out of others).
Here's a practice:
Notice yourself react, Feel the sensations Interrupt your thoughts and recognize 'Oh, this is that familiar place I go', now Redirect your thoughts, opining up new possible options for how to communicate, take a new action (maybe make a request, ask for clarification, or reveal how you're feeling) ...and repeat as needed. This is one way to learn how to leave those old crazy-making habits in the past where they belong.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Dear Readers,
After a long dry blogging spell, I will now start fresh, and promise to enter a new post every 7-10 days. I hope you will comment, and add your wit and wisdom to the conversations.
Today's topic is about what happens when people ask, " So, how are you?" It is obvious that people asking that question rarely want an honest answer, which is exactly what motivates me to provide one. Yes, I'm that way.
I have heard all the reasonable arguments about saying the positives, and focusing on the good things and in short that tends to amount to saying something trivial, insincere or blatantly dishonest
rather than actually answering the question a fair percentage of the time.
Now, I'm not advocating that you spew forth a laundry list of your complaints and challenges, but on the other hand, if you are having a day when you feel like getting hit by a bus would be a break from whatever's going on, then you might consider actually telling the truth. "Actually, I feel like hell today, I can't wait to go to bed and put the day behind me."
Conversely, if you are having a truly exhilarating day or you won the lottery, or just had the best sex you've had all decade, saying 'I'm fine" just doesn't cut it either. I prefer to consider the possibility that if I answer authentically when someone asks me, "How are you?" that my honestly is an invitation for contact, friendship and intimacy, which may otherwise get lost under the convenient, familiar half truths we typically speak to each other.
In May I was in a car accident, and while people love to ask " Hey, how're ya doin?" , what they want to hear is that I'm "Good. Fine. Improving, On the mend..." and anything else along those lines. Yet I discovered that if I say those things they want to hear, I feel like an idiot and give the impression that I'm working and living life as usual which is absolutely not true.
What's true is that I feel broken, my life is still completely disrupted, I'm still in a wheelchair, I won't start PT for weeks, I get exhausted easily, and everything I have to do to take care of myself from getting up to pee in the middle of night to trying to wash dishes while balancing on one leg is a challenge. Not to mention constantly having to ask people to please pick up my mail, do my laundry, etc. Which, by the way, even the best of friends get tired of doing.
So sure, I'm glad to be alive, and happy to have friends that run the errands that keep my life and my business moving forward. AND, some days suck, pure and simple. In the past 10 years I haven't had much going on in the misery department, so even my honest comments on a 'bad' day were funny though a bit snarky. But this is a whole different ballgame.
In telling the truth, I have found that even most people who don't especially want to hear the truth end up having a deeper more authentic conversation with me about their own lives and how THEY are really doing. It's good.
So...How are you?
Raven
After a long dry blogging spell, I will now start fresh, and promise to enter a new post every 7-10 days. I hope you will comment, and add your wit and wisdom to the conversations.
Today's topic is about what happens when people ask, " So, how are you?" It is obvious that people asking that question rarely want an honest answer, which is exactly what motivates me to provide one. Yes, I'm that way.
I have heard all the reasonable arguments about saying the positives, and focusing on the good things and in short that tends to amount to saying something trivial, insincere or blatantly dishonest
rather than actually answering the question a fair percentage of the time.
Now, I'm not advocating that you spew forth a laundry list of your complaints and challenges, but on the other hand, if you are having a day when you feel like getting hit by a bus would be a break from whatever's going on, then you might consider actually telling the truth. "Actually, I feel like hell today, I can't wait to go to bed and put the day behind me."
Conversely, if you are having a truly exhilarating day or you won the lottery, or just had the best sex you've had all decade, saying 'I'm fine" just doesn't cut it either. I prefer to consider the possibility that if I answer authentically when someone asks me, "How are you?" that my honestly is an invitation for contact, friendship and intimacy, which may otherwise get lost under the convenient, familiar half truths we typically speak to each other.
In May I was in a car accident, and while people love to ask " Hey, how're ya doin?" , what they want to hear is that I'm "Good. Fine. Improving, On the mend..." and anything else along those lines. Yet I discovered that if I say those things they want to hear, I feel like an idiot and give the impression that I'm working and living life as usual which is absolutely not true.
What's true is that I feel broken, my life is still completely disrupted, I'm still in a wheelchair, I won't start PT for weeks, I get exhausted easily, and everything I have to do to take care of myself from getting up to pee in the middle of night to trying to wash dishes while balancing on one leg is a challenge. Not to mention constantly having to ask people to please pick up my mail, do my laundry, etc. Which, by the way, even the best of friends get tired of doing.
So sure, I'm glad to be alive, and happy to have friends that run the errands that keep my life and my business moving forward. AND, some days suck, pure and simple. In the past 10 years I haven't had much going on in the misery department, so even my honest comments on a 'bad' day were funny though a bit snarky. But this is a whole different ballgame.
In telling the truth, I have found that even most people who don't especially want to hear the truth end up having a deeper more authentic conversation with me about their own lives and how THEY are really doing. It's good.
So...How are you?
Raven
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