DON'T GO IN WITHOUT BACKUP!

I don’t know anyone that’s genuinely interested in having a rich, happy juicy life that doesn’t have regular outside help to keep them aware of the tricky patterns and weird mind-games that otherwise may sabotage their lives. Myself included. I talk to my kids (talk about ‘brutally honest!), my friends, and for those deep dark places that still confound me, I get coaching.  I want the freedom to be, do and have whatever I desire. So I keep exploring myself deeply, even though sometimes doing so is frustrating, or a little creepy, and always surprising to keep digging around in my own stuff. 

 Rather than thinking this is ‘work, or ‘I’m weak’ or ‘I should just know better’, intelligent people (not to be confused with smart people and intellectual people) know in their bones that others can see what their own minds hide from them. They don’t go down the basement in the dark without backup. That’s what friends, coaches (and bricks to the head) are for.

 

Yes, let me repeat that. Intelligent people rely on others to see what their minds hide from them…and remind them not to trust their minds. Don’t wait until you’re stuck or when the next crisis (a brick to the head) gets your attention.

 

When the initial ‘crisis’ is over, or your anxiety has quieted, and your jaw has finally unclenched, THEN you’ll be able to get down into the patterns of belief and behavior that generated that unwanted experience. That’s not the time to go back to Life as Usual, unless you want a rerun of whatever got your shorts in a twist in the first place. And sometimes that twist has been going on for decades...so the origins have become invisible to you.

 

Just like that damn whack-a-mole game, what we expect and believe pops back up in new ways until we are able to stay awake long enough to notice interrupt and revise the pattern automatically, until the new pattern becomes rooted.

 

Some people start coaching, then when they get some relief from the Big Stress that drove them to pick up the phone in the first place, they run for the hills, waving one of the following excuses like a flag:    “ I feel better now, so I don't need to keep going ” or  

“ Well now I have tools so I should be able to figure this out on my own.” or, “ I don’t want to become dependent on you to make decisions.” This is a big mistake.  Trust me, I don't want to (and will not) make your effing decisions. I would however, like to see you making decisions based on something other than the old automatic self sabotage formula.

These are usually the same people who bring little to their own coaching calls, waiting for me to drag them into the Deep End, but vanish if I do. Swearing they can ‘Go it alone’ . Ever watch a movie that makes you holler at the screen, “Don’t go in there alone, you idiot!”   Well that’s exactly the way I feel in those moments. I know the brick will fly or the flying monkeys will come to cause mayhem.

If you are coaching, keep going until you become proficient at noticing rather than analyzing.  If you live in your head, you will believe the advice of  the idiot that caused your problems in the first place. It doesn't matter how long it takes you. Coaching is not a sprint to the finish line.

Want to get the most out of coaching or therapy in the shortest time?  Deepen your friendships, and encourage people to be honest with you. Having the ongoing help of those who can and will tell you when you are full of shit, when you are acting against your own best interest and when you have reverted back to doing the annoying things that sabotage you, is the best asset you can have.  Cultivate mindfulness.  Take a workshop, or a dance class. Do yoga. Meditate. Challenge your thoughts.

When you are free from the jail of your own mind, and usually no longer believe your own bullshit, you will have a 'get out of jail free' card, called Noticing, that can save you from yourself.  And backup, of course...never go in without backup!

 

 

 

ANGER: A REALITY CHECK

Often,  clients who struggle with expressing and getting over anger say “I don’t feel comfortable expressing anger” (as if holding it IN somehow feels better!)

 

Or they say, “I don’t know how to express anger in a positive way.” Which actually means something like “How can I express my anger without raising my voice, telling the whole truth, or pissing somebody off?”  Well good luck with that.
All emotions (e-motions, energy in motion in the body) actually, resolve when we express (laugh, cry, sigh, yell) the energy that moves us. Anger, unlike wonder for example, is an emotion designed to make us uncomfortable, edgy. Willing and ready to act. To run, or maybe to yell, while wonder has us gazing up at the stars and sighing. Just like wonder though, anger is resolved by fully feeling and /or expressing the energy moving through you as sound and/or actions.

NOBODY ‘feels comfortable’ expressing anger, so when you stop pretending that you can or should ‘feel comfortable’ and just let yourself be uncomfortable and express anger anyway, you will feel relief. The discomfort will dissipate. And you can get over yourself.

Honest expression  isn’t a ‘drive by shooting’ in which you blast someone with your judgments then run like hell.  Very few of us grew up with good role models for expressing and getting over anger. This leaves most people you know with a very distorted and dishonest version of communicating resentment that involves over dramatizing or seriously downplaying whatever’s really going on.  So it will take practice.  Want to be positive?  Learn what HONEST anger is compared to blaming, whining, judging, withholding and manipulating.   (You might read RADICAL HONESTY or THE BOOK OF HOW for more information)

Trying to “express anger in a positive way” rather than in an authentic honest way often makes us lie about what we feel, what we think and what we want. We also are taught that if we ‘do it right’  the other person, will say 'I’m sorry’ or they will change or ‘get’ what we’re saying. Give that up.   None of that may happen, and you can still get over being angry.

 Anger, like grief, is inherently  POSITIVE…these are just ‘messy’ emotions to express involving snot and tears and sobbing or yelling. People are trained up to pretend that they can ‘express’ these emotions ‘nicely’ and it’s complete bullshit.  Sure, if you catch the irritation fast and express it before it turns into a tsunami, you might come across with very little emotional ‘charge’. But let’s face it, that’s not the level of resentment that haunts you in the middle of the night, or triggers you to bad mouth someone, or to cut them from your life.

 So when you have a Big Charge, you will need to learn how to separate what happened (just the facts) from the make wrong, judgments and name calling (the victim story). Otherwise that you will end up arguing about who is ‘right and who is wrong’ (which is worthless, and will get you nowhere unable to get over anything and probably more pissed off than when you started). 

Instead of “Why the hell did you do that? I can’t effing believe you would disrespect me that way! I want you to apologize!” you might in all Honesty say  ‘I resent you for not showing up!  I imagine that you didn’t consider how I’d feel! I imagine that you will always put what you want first!  I feel unimportant. And sad. ”  Now there's a real opening for relating.

Expressing anger authentically requires  practice.   I usually spend a fair amount of time on this when coaching. Most often, people learn to get over resentment and are much happier for it. Their relationships blossom, their stress level drops, and they are more at ease in life.

 

 A few clients, though,  masterfully find ways to ignore the assignments that require honest expression of anger, and default to blame, victim thinking, being ‘nice’, trying to make people change, pretending they’re fine, secretly punishing the offender, and manipulation. 

Holding onto anger makes us stressed out, careful, sick, isolated, needy, judgmental and just plain annoying to be around. What could POSSIBLY make you more uncomfortable than that?