DON'T GO IN WITHOUT BACKUP!

I don’t know anyone that’s genuinely interested in having a rich, happy juicy life that doesn’t have regular outside help to keep them aware of the tricky patterns and weird mind-games that otherwise may sabotage their lives. Myself included. I talk to my kids (talk about ‘brutally honest!), my friends, and for those deep dark places that still confound me, I get coaching.  I want the freedom to be, do and have whatever I desire. So I keep exploring myself deeply, even though sometimes doing so is frustrating, or a little creepy, and always surprising to keep digging around in my own stuff. 

 Rather than thinking this is ‘work, or ‘I’m weak’ or ‘I should just know better’, intelligent people (not to be confused with smart people and intellectual people) know in their bones that others can see what their own minds hide from them. They don’t go down the basement in the dark without backup. That’s what friends, coaches (and bricks to the head) are for.

 

Yes, let me repeat that. Intelligent people rely on others to see what their minds hide from them…and remind them not to trust their minds. Don’t wait until you’re stuck or when the next crisis (a brick to the head) gets your attention.

 

When the initial ‘crisis’ is over, or your anxiety has quieted, and your jaw has finally unclenched, THEN you’ll be able to get down into the patterns of belief and behavior that generated that unwanted experience. That’s not the time to go back to Life as Usual, unless you want a rerun of whatever got your shorts in a twist in the first place. And sometimes that twist has been going on for decades...so the origins have become invisible to you.

 

Just like that damn whack-a-mole game, what we expect and believe pops back up in new ways until we are able to stay awake long enough to notice interrupt and revise the pattern automatically, until the new pattern becomes rooted.

 

Some people start coaching, then when they get some relief from the Big Stress that drove them to pick up the phone in the first place, they run for the hills, waving one of the following excuses like a flag:    “ I feel better now, so I don't need to keep going ” or  

“ Well now I have tools so I should be able to figure this out on my own.” or, “ I don’t want to become dependent on you to make decisions.” This is a big mistake.  Trust me, I don't want to (and will not) make your effing decisions. I would however, like to see you making decisions based on something other than the old automatic self sabotage formula.

These are usually the same people who bring little to their own coaching calls, waiting for me to drag them into the Deep End, but vanish if I do. Swearing they can ‘Go it alone’ . Ever watch a movie that makes you holler at the screen, “Don’t go in there alone, you idiot!”   Well that’s exactly the way I feel in those moments. I know the brick will fly or the flying monkeys will come to cause mayhem.

If you are coaching, keep going until you become proficient at noticing rather than analyzing.  If you live in your head, you will believe the advice of  the idiot that caused your problems in the first place. It doesn't matter how long it takes you. Coaching is not a sprint to the finish line.

Want to get the most out of coaching or therapy in the shortest time?  Deepen your friendships, and encourage people to be honest with you. Having the ongoing help of those who can and will tell you when you are full of shit, when you are acting against your own best interest and when you have reverted back to doing the annoying things that sabotage you, is the best asset you can have.  Cultivate mindfulness.  Take a workshop, or a dance class. Do yoga. Meditate. Challenge your thoughts.

When you are free from the jail of your own mind, and usually no longer believe your own bullshit, you will have a 'get out of jail free' card, called Noticing, that can save you from yourself.  And backup, of course...never go in without backup!