The brightest spot of
the good news in review for 2014 is the birth of my beautiful grandbaby Isadora
Rose in April. I could list other good things and all that I am very grateful
for…but I want share a powerful experience. I’m a better coach, because of it, and I am
kinder to myself by far, because of it. And I don’t like to talk about this, so
of course, that’s exactly what I’m about to do.
A few days before the end of September, I was standing a tad too close to my front
door which caught the toenail on my right big toe and ripped it all the way
back…well, let me tell you that I got a quick and dirty lesson on why tearing
out nails is used in torture.
The pain made me nauseous…and it didn’t
stop bleeding for two days. I tried to go
about as if it was business as usual, but within a week, the intensity of the
pain sent me into a serious tail spin.
I had to keep choosing what to take care of…the leg that was still aching
and burning from the accident, or the toe that throbbed and oozed constantly. (yeah very gross)
After a few weeks I realized I was in
big trouble. I wasn’t sleeping. I was having panic attacks. I was having heart
palpitations that lasted 30 minutes at a time. My hands were tingling, and the
nerve pain in my leg was extreme. I was forgetting things. Burning pots. Losing keys. I
became fearful and hyper vigilant and the fact that I could neither swim nor
hit the gym left me with mounting stress. For the first time in my life, I was
unable to meditate. I could not settle my mind. My thoughts became a minefield
of make-wrongs and self-depreciation.
Then, in the middle of the night, I woke to
terrible pain in my back and shoulders and neck. I
thought I was having a heart attack. ..but I simply could not make myself call
anyone. I knew it was crazy behavior, and yet the
thought of an ambulance, a hospital, calls to my kids…no. I got up, took aspirin, tried to breathe
through it. Eventually, the pain resolved itself and I fell
asleep sitting up on the couch.
When I woke I
recognized that THIS is what it felt like to be in that chemical stew like some clients who started out in the deep end of the Anxiety Pool. They needed help to reduce the chemicals
that were frying their minds before they could be coachable. And so did I.
I called my Doctor, and got thoroughly
checked. As I suspected, my heart was
fine and every symptom I had was a thanks to Adrenaline and
cortisol- the stress twins were kicking my ass from here to the moon. He pointed out that I had not even taken time off work after the accident,
so now this incident triggered everything I’d been holding in and holding back .
A veritable Tsunami. I was so screwed.
We negotiated the territory…I
agreed to a small dose of an SSRI for 6 months to get my chemistry out of
survival mode, and I agreed to take time
off, sleep in, and sit outside even if I couldn’t walk much. If you know me at all, you know that I avoid medication like the plague but I knew this was dangerous to ignore. I also got myself a coach
immediately, and have been talking to someone every week since the beginning of
November. By the end of November I was able to resume swimming, walking and working out vigorously.
Now my mind is calm again. I’m feeling happy. I am meditating, sleeping
well, and have slowed down enough to feel and deal with things. I realized how hard I’d been on myself and I
have put a few things in place so I don’t go down that road again.
Here’s the lesson for you, my friend. No
one is immune to stress. No one can ‘go it alone’ once the tipping point puts the mind in ‘survival only’ mode. If you
have had a trauma, take the time to feel your way through it and recover. Don’t
stay busy thinking that you’ll eventually just ‘return to normal’. Not gonna happen. If you experience the death of friends or family, ( I
had four losses since spring) take the time to grieve and honor your
connections with those people. Don't think you can put your grief on hold...it will catch up with you.
Stop. Feel. Rest. Take time to heal. Be
kind to yourself and be with people who love you.
Posts
