MY BIG LESSON OF 2014

 The brightest spot of the good news in review for 2014 is the birth of my beautiful grandbaby Isadora Rose in April. I could list other good things and all that I am very grateful for…but I want share a powerful experience.  I’m a better coach, because of it, and I am kinder to myself by far, because of it. And I don’t like to talk about this, so of course, that’s exactly what I’m about to do.

 

A few days before the end of September, I was standing a tad too close to my front door which caught the toenail on my right big toe and ripped it all the way back…well, let me tell you that I got a quick and dirty lesson on why tearing out nails is used in torture.

 

The pain made me nauseous…and it didn’t stop bleeding for two days.  I tried to go about as if it was business as usual, but within a week, the intensity of the pain sent me into a serious tail spin.  I had to keep choosing what to take care of…the leg that was still aching and burning from the accident, or the toe that throbbed and oozed constantly.   (yeah very gross)

After a few weeks I realized I was in big trouble. I wasn’t sleeping. I was having panic attacks. I was having heart palpitations that lasted 30 minutes at a time. My hands were tingling, and the nerve pain in my leg was extreme. I was forgetting things. Burning pots. Losing keys.  I became fearful and hyper vigilant and the fact that I could neither swim nor hit the gym left me with mounting stress. For the first time in my life, I was unable to meditate. I could not settle my mind. My thoughts became a minefield of make-wrongs and self-depreciation.  

Then, in the middle of the night, I woke to terrible pain in my back and shoulders and neck.   I thought I was having a heart attack. ..but I simply could not make myself call anyone. I knew it was crazy behavior, and yet the thought of an ambulance, a hospital, calls to my kids…no.  I got up, took aspirin, tried to breathe through it. Eventually,  the pain resolved itself and I fell asleep sitting up on the couch.

When I woke I  recognized  that THIS is what it felt like to be in that chemical stew like some clients  who started out in the deep end of the Anxiety Pool. They needed help to reduce the chemicals that were frying their minds before they could be coachable.   And so did I.

 

I called my Doctor, and got thoroughly checked.  As I suspected, my heart was fine and every symptom I had was a thanks to  Adrenaline and cortisol- the stress twins were kicking my ass from here to the moon.   He  pointed out that I  had not even taken time off work after the accident, so now this incident triggered everything I’d been holding in and holding back . A veritable Tsunami.  I was so screwed.

 

We negotiated the territory…I agreed to a small dose of an SSRI for 6 months to get my chemistry out of survival mode, and I agreed  to take time off, sleep in, and sit outside even if I couldn’t walk much. If you know me at all, you know that I avoid medication like the plague but I knew this was dangerous to ignore.  I also got myself a coach immediately, and have been talking to someone every week since the beginning of  November.  By the end of November I was able to resume swimming, walking and working out vigorously.

 

Now my mind is calm again.  I’m feeling happy. I am meditating, sleeping well, and have slowed down enough to feel and deal with things.  I realized how hard I’d been on myself and I have put a few things in place so I don’t go down that road again.

 

Here’s the lesson for you, my friend. No one is immune to stress. No one can ‘go it alone’ once the tipping point puts  the mind  in ‘survival only’ mode. If you have had a trauma, take the time to feel your way through it and recover. Don’t stay busy thinking that you’ll eventually just ‘return to normal’.  Not gonna happen.  If you experience the death of friends or family, ( I had four losses since spring) take the time to grieve and honor your connections with those people. Don't think you can put your grief on hold...it will catch up with you.

Stop. Feel. Rest. Take time to heal. Be kind to yourself and be with people who love you.