Let’s face it…we make up
meaning that makes us look good…or ‘innocent’ while pretending other people are uncaring asshats or worse. And the worst part is, it
happens so quickly that people often have no clue that what they think is a
pretense, taking the conclusion that their
insecure, gotta-be-right ego has reached as The Truth. Without bothering to fact
check.
Meaning gets
substituted for reality so quickly people will argue to defend their position
even AFTER the facts have been presented. People…we’ve got to stop this. We’ve got to
help each other stop this, also. Let me introduce
you to the One Sentence Clarity Cure.
When someone is going on and
on (and on and on) about how they feel ‘battered’ or ‘attacked’ or ‘always misunderstood’ by something you
said, and you find yourself like the proverbial deer in the headlights
wondering, WTF? , it’s time for you to interrupt their rant. That’s right. Just
interrupt them.
And also learn to interrupt yourself! Here is a
practice that will help you get over issues with greater honesty, ease and
speed.
1. To be understood you must be clear. To be clear you
must be precise. To be precise you must select words that convey both fact and
your interpretation (meaning) Use Very few words. One solid sentence.
2. Make time to take face to face. No texting or emailing
that gets passed off as ‘communication’ Don’t drink alcohol while you’re
talking.
3. Stay on topic. Offer one sentence of information
or report a feeling. ONE. Do not ramble. Do not devolve into explaining,
story-telling, defending your position or blaming. Then let your partner
respond.
4. When you respond, keep it very short. Say what you
heard or what you feel(in your body) , or what emotion you’re feeling, or ask a clarifying question, or report what
you think about what you just heard.
5. Listen deeply. If you catch yourself thinking ahead,
or shifting into blame, ask your partner to REPEAT the sentence again. This
time, listen deeply.
6. Interrupt each other and be interruptable if either of
you start to ramble, blame, go into story telling or defending.
7. Remember that you are on the same team and your goal
is to understand (not agree with, just understand) how your partner thinks,
feels and frames experiences.
8. Be aware of the meaning YOU EACH make out of each
other’s communications. You will find
that the conclusions you each jump to are repetitive and familiar. Be aware that you
will each automatically and unconsciously invest in making meaning that
reflects your past experiences in relationships. Strive to notice and redirect
your thinking.
9. Finally, rather than sit down
braced for a fight and expecting the ‘same old stuff’ to happen, please begin
by taking a few breaths together and by sharing out loud your desire and
commitment to relate in a way that allows each of you to share opinions, reveal
feelings, make requests and agree to disagree.
Ultimately, knowing each
other more deeply and accepting each other more fully is the desired
outcome. Love is acceptance. The more able you are to recognize your automatic defensive bullshit and accept responsibility for your own fears, insecurities and for dealing with past hurts, the easier it is to accept someone else, regardless of their bullshit, pushing past it, not taking it personally, and accepting (loving) the person anyway. I am by no stretch of the imagination suggesting to you put up with bullshit, or inflict yours on others without remorse...what I AM saying is that there is a way out, a way to have greater honesty and understanding, and this practice will help you achieve that.
Let me know how this works for you! And, feel free to submit your questions about relating if you’d like me to address them in my upcoming Podcast.
http://www.stresswizardcoaching.com/#!podcast/jqidn
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