There’s a huge
difference between being an adult and trying to ‘act’ like one.
Being a functional grown-up is more than being able to balance a
checkbook and hold down a job. You can do the ‘things’ that you
imagine an adult does, and still be an unhappy, frightened
adolescent-at-any-age. Following rules and keeping social contracts
might look like adulting, but life is far more than a series of
bargains and manipulations in which mutual back scratching is the
expected form of relating.
If the majority your
decisions are being made with the expectation of payback or reward,
it’s only a matter of time before you feel betrayed, confused and
angry as others refuse to subscribe to your juvenile version
of relating. No matter how much apparent success wanna-be adults seems to have, what sets them apart is the core feeling if isolation.
Those stuck in adolescence become cut off from authentic contact with
others, and are too afraid to take off the mask they’ve spent
decades creating, perfecting and defending.
A would-be grownup may
espouse honesty, but will lie, exaggerate and look away from
inconvenient truths. Adults embrace their
values for their own inner sense of rightness, not because it will
earn them a gold star or a high five. An adult shuns dishonesty not
because it would suck to get caught lying, but because acting
against one’s core values makes adults feel shitty whether or not
anyone else knows what they’ve done.
By this measure, our
culture is sadly lacking in the number of genuine grown-ups available
to run the important stuff, especially troubling in the current political climate. In other words, without enough functional grown-ups
populating society, we are well and truly screwed. The good news is this: We can grow ourselves up, as long as we're not too far gone.
Some people get
developmentally stuck when significant neglect or abuse, trauma or
war interferes with the conditions required to move into adulthood.
Others are simply children of parents who never emotionally developed
beyond their own adolecsence.
Lots of people go to
their graves never having known the satisfaction of being relaxed,
self assured adults who know that they are the authority in their own
lives. You probably know a few perpetual drama queens- and kings- who
feel victimized by their job, spouse, world or 'whatever', and live
small, codependent lives. They alternate between being the good girl/boy
and the whiny sarcastic or withdrawn or passive aggressive ‘rebel’.
Sound like teenagers? You betcha! The more deeply stuck people are in
their adolescent patterns, the more chaos, gloom, accidents, drama,
bad luck, anger, jealousy and general reactivity they carry around.
Some people can ‘adult’ pretty well in one area of life, like
work for example, then turn into self-absorbed high school snots in
their relationships.So pay attention. You
won’t magically ‘grow up’ just because you age. In fact, some
people get worse, more dug in, oblivious, delusional, irrational and
, well...more like an adolescent as time passes.
You can help yourself
(and your kids if you have any) by taking steps that move you closer
and closer to adulthood. You will receive all the benefits of owning
responsibility for being an active agent in your life. Your
relationships will improve, your stress will decrease, you’ll care
less about what people think and more about doing what makes you
happy. The bonus is, that unlike the dreary picture of adulthood
that teenagers envision, you will discover that you are more fun,
spontaneous, playful and laid back than you ever were as an
adolescent.
What can we do to grow
ourselves up?
1. Observe your thoughts
and notice how much you are attached to ‘bargaining’ rather than
relating.
2. Begin to deliberately
trade your ‘rules’ and obligations for your honest preferences.
3. Practice telling the
truth about what you want, how you feel, and what you think.
4. Take charge of the
noise in your head. Stop believing your habitual compulsive thoughts.
5.Become the kind of
person you admire. How? Take an inventory of your habits and actions.
Create a plan to interrupt and replace the worst self-defeating ,
insecurity driven, worry laden thoughts.
6. Stop bargaining for
rest, for pleasure, for love. Make time and room for them.
7. Get in touch with
your real values. What matters to you? What makes you feel good in
the long term, not the quick fix kind of way.
8. Get help if you get
stuck. Coaching, therapy, a group of friends that hold each other
accountable- whatever it takes, get the support you need to grow up.
Raven
raven@stresswizardcoaching.com
216-526-1667
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