SENSITIVE DOES NOT MEAN REACTIVE

I get tired of people who tell others they are ‘sensitive’ when what they are is hair-trigger reactive. If you get angry or hurt or fly into drama mode at the drop of a hat, that my friend, is sheer reactivity. And if you try to get (guilt, force, manipulate) the people around you to change their behavior in order to help you manage your own mind, then I’d wager that you are a pain in the ass on top of being generally insensitive. Yes, there, I said it. Highly reactive people are usually insensitive awfulizers who attempt to self manage by getting everyone else up tiptoe around so they don’t have to own responsibility for dealing with their own stressed out, hair trigger temperment, which makes them the victim of their imagined dramas.

This is not sensitivity. This is cray-cray. And while reactive people do suffer, the solution is never getting others to take on keeping you from flying off the handle. But it’s a great way to set yourself up for having people whisper about you, and avoid you. Great martyr-making strategy, this fake sensitivity. So, while I would never tell a sensitive person to ‘toughen up’ I most certainly will tell a hyper-reactive person to Grow up.

Yes it’s hard. Yes you may need coaching, or therapy and maybe even some serious stress management training or a class in radical honesty to get the job done. But it’s worth the time and money. It’s far better to have a life that works than live in a miserable ongoing drama. So, in short, reactive people are self absorbed, not sensitive, and let’s not get the two confused. Sensitivity is not automatic reactivity. One is a state of awareness, and the other is a pattern of behavior.

I am a sensitive person. I hate to admit it, but for the sake of clarification, I will tell you what it’s like. Crowds make me tired and cranky, so do noisy restaurants and grocery stores. I can’t stand tags on my clothes. Weather changes profoundly affect my body and mood, and my left leg is a fine storm forecaster. An instrument or voice that’s slightly off key drives me bonkers. I can’t listen. It’s like the sound of a dentist’s drill to me. Sensitivity also has its perks.

Music speaks to me, and when I sing, especially in harmony with others, it is a sensual and spiritual experience. I feel things deeply. I am moved by beauty. I take pictures and I draw. I see and notice details others either miss or find inconsequential. I cry at movies. I laugh loud and hard when I am amused.

I can decode a recipe by taste and smell, and am a very good cook. I catch nuances in people’s movements and voices, which makes me good at coaching people. I can also tell when people are hiding something. I am aware of (sensitive to) subtle changes in the moods of others. Animals love me.

That’s not to say that I am never reactive. I am human. I get triggered.

But I own responsibility for taking care of myself whether that means walking out of a busy restaurant, or speaking my mind. I don’t shush the crowd or tell people I’m with to stop chewing loudly. My sensitivity is not their problem.

Just remember: Sensitivity is not automatic reactivity. One is a state of awareness, and the other is a pattern of behavior. Don’t tiptoe around reactive people and reinforce their issues with your compliance. Just sayin’,  that doesn’t help anybody.