On Being Swayed, Unaware and Irrational

In coaching sessions and in my classes and workshops, I have made a point to explain the way that mental/emotional patterns and beliefs literally filter what we see and hear, so that the ‘evidence’ that supports our expectations, we assume comes through our unbiased experience of reality. I highly suggest that you go find a copy of SWAY by Ori & Rom Brafman. In this fascinating and easy to read book, you will investigate how a handful of commonly held social and cultural beliefs serve as powerful and sometimes dangerous filters which sway even the most rational among us to behave irrationally.

One of the filters this book details is one I have frequently address- the bias that we use to tweak every word and action of a person we have judged to be a certain way. You may have heard of the studies in which students, labeled ‘gifted’ or ‘challenged’ lived up-or down to the expectations of the teachers. In SWAY you will learn how the opinion of men seeking women to date was swayed and how their expectation immediately changed the way the women communicated with them on the phone. When you hold an expectation, the person you ‘hold it against’ will automatically and subconsciously ‘read and revise’ accordingly. This information isn’t new, but taking a fresh look at this startling reality may help wake you from your own delusions.

Every time we act as if a person is a (jerk, criminal, idiot, bitch, selfish ass, cheater) we unconsciously not only see their behavior as if their motives fit that profile, we also encourage them to live up (or down) to our expectations- and with time and ‘training’ they WILL.
Not that I am suggesting that we become one of those head in the sand people that believes in ‘the goodness of people’ regardless of threatening or untrustworthy behavior, definitely not. That’s just another version of being out of touch with reality. Yet, honestly, if applying caution and good sense you can and DO hold onto the ides of the innate goodness of people, they will be less likely to target you, and more likely to target someone else.

But I’m really not talking about dealing with real criminals here. I’m talking about the way we demonize or canonize the everyday people in our lives and then only experience our own invented version of that person rather than truly experience the actual human being. This is why getting over our judgments (even the ‘good ones’) is wise. When a ‘saint’ falls off the pedestal we are often shocked and immediately re-cast the once revered friend or relative as a bad egg. The now reviled person goes right to the bottom of the pile, and once we demonize the ‘saint’, the relationship often seriously damaged.

And let's face it, with all of our quirks, insecurities and baggage it's hard enough to create solid lasting friendships and to sustain family relationships without adding THIS nasty habit to the mix. So I invite you to look at every relationship that matters, from your boss to your best friend, and get a little more conscious about the way your judgments and beliefs sway you. Oh and read the book...you'll be glad you did.

And FYI, for those of you who have asked, yes I'm working diligently so when my own book is coming out, I'll let you know.