THE FEAR FACTOR

Most of our fears have nothing to do with what may harm us. We fear things because the sensations those triggers evoke are so damn unpleasant and uncomfortable and somehow familiar that we run away  (literally) or disappear inside our minds. Instead we can face and recover from the false mental messages and the jail our minds creates to 'protect' us.

 

People tend to think I’m pretty fearless, but I'm not. I’m here to tell ya, that ever since that damn accident, I have noticed a plethora of triggers that have stopped me repeatedly from doing things I otherwise have enjoyed doing.  Yeah sure, the accident WAS life threatening, but many of the fears appear to be unrelated…though I know they are a direct result of the feelings of powerlessness, abandonment, helplessness and physical weakness, physical threat and terror of not being protected from harm.

 This combo reactivated my childhood safety mechanism I call “ Elvis Has Left The Building”…meaning that I exit my experience, turn unconsciously away from the ‘threat’ and then listen to- and believe the bullshit story &  rationalization that my mind creates.  Worked great in childhood…now- not so much.

 

It took me months to finally recognize what the hell was going on with me, since I was avoiding and rationalizing myself out of doing things that I really wanted to do.  I have been avoiding people- especially avoiding meeting NEW people and doing familiar things.  Hadn’t been playing music- at all, I mean didn’t even pick up the guitar until 2 months ago. I joined the local Irish American Club in October and have gone to events 0 times. And they’re literally 2 blocks away.       I can’t even tell you how many stories I told myself to keep myself away. And from what?  From meeting new people, enjoying Celtic music, getting free drumming lessons,  having people to play cards with…all.in.my.own.freakin’ neighborhood.  Nor had I gone back to my weekly game night, yoga class, accepted invites to sing, been feeling afraid to go for an evening walk- and though I’ve never enjoyed crowds, I’ve even been extra aware of people at the gym for cryin’ out loud! 

 

Finally, a few weeks ago I realized what was going on. Since then I have played and performed music again, re-upped my membership to the IAC, gone to yoga, taken several evening walks, gone to the gym during the ‘busy’ time…and  was rewarded when the Muse showed up with a new song in the middle of the night- that I actually got up and wrote instead of rolling over. 

 

Was I ‘fearless’ doing these things. Hell, no! But to have the life I want- and to take back my life- I had to push through those fears, speak to my very young self who showed up in my dreams, and also make some real changes in my life to satisfy myself that should I ever need help or an advocate in the future, I know who to call on to keep me safe.  In other words I recognized that the sudden  fear of people was a road sign that got my attention thoroughly and in a bizarre and unpleasant way.

 

So, I ask you…what within you  that screams ‘Danger, Will Robinson!’ , is really a memo from you to you? What can you do to feel the fear and act anyway? How can you look at your life and see if any real time action is needed to satisfy that message?  The things that frighten us are road signs that remind us to grow up, take back our power, surround ourselves with allies and find the freedom beyond the fear. 


If you go through life and allow yourself to be controlled by your fear of anger, abandonment, rejection, and justify an inability to speak up or take a stand or tell the truth in a clear direct way, then you will never have the life you could have…never be the person you dreamed you could be.
That's  a terrible crime- a waste of our precious opportunity to really be who we are full un, for our own happiness and also as our contribution to the world.

 

 We all have fears…I invite you to do/be/say the things that frighten you. And if you need someone to cheer you on, or to push you out of your fake safety built from rationalizations…so that you can feel the wind on your face when you fly…you have my number.

 

 

BEING A KID AGAIN

Summer is here and with it comes another chance to be kids again, to watch the sky, smell the fragrance of freshly cut grass, flowers, wet pavement after a shows, and neighborhood BBQ’s. . The sounds of lawnmowers and weed whackers and the voices of children, the bouncing of basket balls - and the mechanical tune blaring from the ice cream truck waft welcome on the breeze through our open windows.

 

I remember the sounds of ball games on the radio & TV, the yearly ritual of cleaning and spray-painting the window screens, the unique smell of 3-in-one oil that lubricated the old metal box fans…

I remember Friday nights when we ordered pizza all summer long, and often followed that supper with home-made ice cream sundaes. I remember the smell of the water- the Hudson River- and summer storms that were often so fierce that the street lights would come on in the middle of the afternoon, and my Grandma’s odd little ritual meant to protect us from a lightning strike…(which obviously worked, since the building was never hit despite the myriad of TV antennas sprouting from the roof directly over our heads. I remember my mother pinning launder to the line that swung out over the airshaft, and the smell of hot tar as the roof above us practically liquefied in the blistering summer heat.  I often played at the big window where the fire escape was, drawing with colored chalk on the wide slate ledge, wiping it off with a wet sponge, watching it dry in seconds-and writing again and again. Once in a while I’d even take a blanket out and sit on the fire escape in my own little world, a bird’s nest high above the ground with a view of the river where the sun shone like diamonds.

 

I still find ways to relive the best summer moments. Summer is still for watching sunlight on water- now lake Erie, and for daydreaming, drawing and the occasional Friday pizza. Reinforcing what was good and right makes everything come alive both with memory and possibility. I dream up things I wanted to do as a kid but never could- and I do them now! This year I’m gonna get myself an adult size 3-wheeler to zip around the neighborhood in! I will be able to pedal to the grocery store, have some fun, feel the breeze on my face and oh sure, I’ll get some good exercise and rehab my knew in the process but that’s just my excuse for having the tricycle I always wanted but never had. (I can’t afford even a little spill, so a bike is out for now.)  I’m gonna have big fun that will last well into the fall!

 

There were plenty of things that sucked about my childhood, but in summer, when I wasn’t trapped indoors, life improved and I took every opportunity possible to have some fun. You can always find ways to play. Simple, cheap, easy entertainment that will make you feel happy, connected to All That Is,  and happy to be alive! This translates into less stress, better immune function and lost more fun and satisfaction when you connect playfully with others.

 

Do it. Be a kid again…Goof off…lie in the grass and watch the clouds. Build a model, draw on the sidewalk, but yourself a ball. (I bought myself a pink rubber ball and plan to find a nice brick wall to toss it against!)  Watch some local softball games…do what made you happy and especially, do whatever you wanted to do but never could!   It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE ONE DECISION MAKES

First, a bit of catching up…Sorry I dropped out of sight last month, I had some great ideas for blog posts, but couldn’t seem to ever be near the computer (or even paper) when I did.  Two days after my last blog post, on April 16^th I became a Grandma!  Isadora Rose was born at 4:39pm weighing in at lucky 7lbs 11oz! And yes, I was there attending the birth- it was an awe inspiring experience. So the past 6 weeks have been full of activity and new baby magic!

 

Now…down to what has been on my mind for the last week…where I'm at today all because one night against my better judgment, I decided to take out the trash, which led to a little drive...

One year ago on May 24^th I was in an accident, hit by a drunk driver, totaled my car and ended up in a wheelchair for three months.  Here I am One Year Later…and as with all things, life goes on. But life is not the same. I can count on one hand the number of nights I have slept soundly without being awakened by pain.  My stamina is still pretty crappy, even though I’m back at the gym swimming and lifting weights. I was utterly uninformed and, I might add, delusional about how long the healing process would and will take. Additionally, I have taken a big hit to my income, and have not been able to promote The Book of How which came out just weeks before the accident. Workshops and book signings were canceled, some of which being opportunities that will not come again. I am just now starting to feel that I have the energy to begin again. And I have plans...and have had lots of time to acquaint myself with my deep desires.

 First, I’m looking forward to new and revived work projects,  and to a vacation…(when the settlement finally…settles) and I am definitely stretching myself, planning to do things I have denied myself…like taking a program at the Monroe Institute, traveling to Scotland & Ireland to my Celtic roots, going to South Dakota just because it calls me,  getting out to the Serpent Mound here in Ohio ..I have a long list, this just scratches the surface... These are some of the things I’ve been putting off for a zillion reasons that all seemed good at the time but no longer hold water.

I want more pleasure, more time with friends, travel to interesting places. I want to meet and marry the man that’s right for me. Yes- there I said it…I want a partner to play with. That one I put off by telling myself I needed to be here ‘for my kids’ who are, for cryinoutloud 30 & 34 years old now. Enough already!  Hell, I may even give up coaching and open a B & B, or an organic restaurant…or something…yes…been thinking about that, too. I feel a tug in that direction.

The accident broke apart a set of illusions I didn’t even know were keeping me from having a richer, deeper, more exciting and pleasurable life. All gone now. And for that I’m glad, though I am asking the Change Gods (daily) to deliver on my requests for Transformation with a softer hand (rather than a backhand LOL) in the future. 

So…where might YOU be stuck in some really logical reasonable snares? What does your heart sing about, that your mind ignores?  Who would you be if you let yourself really just do what you wanted to do?   
If you had an accident that put you out of commission for  a year, or had to deal with cancer or fight your way back from a stroke…what experiences would you want to have now, just in case you didn’t make it out alive? 


Well my friends, I urge you to put those life-changing thoughts down on paper today with an action plan, a time line, and a friend to kick your ass to the moon if you try to talk yourself out of the Bigger Life that is calling you.