Most of our fears have nothing to do with what
may harm us. We fear things because the sensations those triggers
evoke are so damn unpleasant and uncomfortable and somehow familiar that we run
away (literally) or disappear inside our minds. Instead we can face and recover from
the false mental messages and the jail our minds creates to 'protect' us.
People tend to think I’m pretty fearless, but I'm not. I’m here
to tell ya, that ever since that damn accident, I have noticed a plethora of
triggers that have stopped me repeatedly from doing things I otherwise have
enjoyed doing. Yeah sure, the accident
WAS life threatening, but many of the fears appear to be unrelated…though I know they
are a direct result of the feelings of powerlessness, abandonment, helplessness
and physical weakness, physical threat and terror of not being protected from
harm.
This combo reactivated my childhood safety mechanism I call “ Elvis Has
Left The Building”…meaning that I exit my experience, turn unconsciously away
from the ‘threat’ and then listen to- and believe the bullshit story & rationalization
that my mind creates. Worked great in
childhood…now- not so much.
It took me months to finally recognize what the hell
was going on with me, since I was avoiding and rationalizing myself out of
doing things that I really wanted to do.
I have been avoiding people- especially avoiding meeting NEW people and
doing familiar things. Hadn’t been
playing music- at all, I mean didn’t even pick up the guitar until 2 months ago.
I joined the local Irish American Club in October and have gone to events 0
times. And they’re literally 2 blocks away. I can’t even tell you how many stories I told
myself to keep myself away. And from what? From meeting new people, enjoying Celtic
music, getting free drumming lessons,
having people to play cards with…all.in.my.own.freakin’
neighborhood. Nor had I gone back to my
weekly game night, yoga class, accepted invites to sing, been feeling afraid to
go for an evening walk- and though I’ve never enjoyed crowds, I’ve even been
extra aware of people at the gym for cryin’ out loud!
Finally, a few weeks ago I realized what was going on.
Since then I have played and performed music again, re-upped my membership to the IAC, gone
to yoga, taken several evening walks, gone to the gym during the ‘busy’ time…and
was rewarded when the Muse showed up
with a new song in the middle of the night- that I actually got up and wrote
instead of rolling over.
Was I ‘fearless’ doing these things. Hell, no! But to
have the life I want- and to take back my life- I had to push through those
fears, speak to my very young self who showed up in my dreams, and also make
some real changes in my life to satisfy myself that should I ever need help or
an advocate in the future, I know who to call on to keep me safe. In other words I recognized that the sudden fear of
people was a road sign that got my attention thoroughly and in a bizarre and
unpleasant way.
If you go through life and allow yourself to be controlled by your fear of anger, abandonment, rejection, and justify an inability to speak up or take a stand or tell the truth in a clear direct way, then you will never have the life you could have…never be the person you dreamed you could be.
That's a terrible crime- a waste of our precious opportunity to really be who we are full un, for our own happiness and also as our contribution to the world.
We all have
fears…I invite you to do/be/say the things that frighten you. And if you need
someone to cheer you on, or to push you out of your fake safety built from rationalizations…so
that you can feel the wind on your face when you fly…you have my number.
Posts
Thanks Raven. I have been struggling with facing those things which seem overwhelming ...especially since January. We all struggle, we all suffer...and we so easily forget that and can become consumed by fear and hopelessness. We are not programmed to accept "what is" but we can learn to - not easy though.
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