Another Exploration of Illusions

When we speak of illusions, one of the most problematic illusions occurs when we substitute our imagining, our prejudice and labels for the real and complex personalities of people in our lives.
When we adopt an “either or mentality”, (when we cannonize or demonize people) there is no room for the truth that we are, each of us…indeed ALL of us, complete packages of light dark and shadow, filled with traits and nuances that demonstrate kindness, compassion, loyalty AND insensitivity, stupidity or meanness.
What you see depends on the day, the circumstances, and the state of mind involved.

Because we are both/and creatures, the illusion of good or bad/ right or wrong/ kind or mean / smart or stupid, honest or deceptive can rob us of the relief we feel when others know both sides of our nature…and accept us just the same. Our best friends usually do this. They see through our pretense, dismiss our ‘image’ as canned personality, and embrace us even when we are cranky, act crazy or get angry. This is freedom. This is real relating. This is what we miss out on in much of our lives when we expend vital energy pretending that we are not pretending, rather than being the quirky, slightly off kilter people we really are.

In fact, it’s easier to accept an authentic person with quirks and flaws than it is to feel warm and fuzzy about someone who is somehow always smart, good, kind, considerate…because under the surface, we know, from experience, that there is something in those silent waters that is most likely dark and slimy.

When we were small, we got a message that we had to show a certain face…present an ‘image’ to our teachers, neighbors, aunts and uncles…in order to avoid punishment and encourage attention and favor. This is at its most basic, a biological design to keep children from hurting each other and from running into traffic until they mastered the ability of cooperation and negotiation. When kids develop the capacity to weigh the consequences and make conscious choices, then they may risk displeasure from authority for the sweeter pleasure of self referent decision making. But not all do. Many get caught in a perpetual loop of pretense and hiding in a misguided attempt to ‘be successful and be liked’. This image becomes hardened like a mask that is held up for others to see, but our very nature strives for self acceptance and want others to love us as we are.

Our clever subconscious makes us sensitive to the flaws in others that we either suppress or merely hide from view. That which really irritates us about the people we pull into our lives (often again and again) are those tendencies which we are most inclined to hide about ourselves. When we admit to and own BOTH sides of our nature, we can arrive at true self acceptance as well as authentic forgiveness.

Illusions, Pretense and Being Human

We all have and create illusions. In fact the world we think is so real is mostly just the very small experiences we allow to pass through our filters. We lie to ourselves unwittingly much of the time as we substitute generalizations and judgments for reality. So…when we pretend, and then pretend that we are not pretending…we don’t have even a slim chance of making real contact with people and we don’t have a chance to get what we want in life.

We all have illusions. And if we ask ourselves this one question: Are my illusions working for me or against me? Then at least we can stretch the limits of our self created delusions and experience more of the vast possibilities available to us.

Take beliefs for example. What illusion serves me better, that I am 100% responsible for everything that happens in my life or that I am a victim of circumstance? Our amazing and powerful subconscious mind, the part that is always in contact with everything, with consciousness itself, responds to those choices, and delivers ‘evidence’ accordingly.

So it is in our best interest not only to stop pretending and defending, but also to reveal those things about ourselves that we hide away, imagining that others would reject us…if they only knew. What is true is that no matter your age, race, social standing or country of origin, as a fellow human being, you have more in common with other human beings, than you have differences. We all want to love and be loved. We all want to have our survival basics handled, to be part of a community, to do meaningful tasks, feel valuable and free to express ourselves in whatever way seems right to us. Everything after that…all the differences you can think of…are virtually irrelevant.