Another Exploration of Illusions

When we speak of illusions, one of the most problematic illusions occurs when we substitute our imagining, our prejudice and labels for the real and complex personalities of people in our lives.
When we adopt an “either or mentality”, (when we cannonize or demonize people) there is no room for the truth that we are, each of us…indeed ALL of us, complete packages of light dark and shadow, filled with traits and nuances that demonstrate kindness, compassion, loyalty AND insensitivity, stupidity or meanness.
What you see depends on the day, the circumstances, and the state of mind involved.

Because we are both/and creatures, the illusion of good or bad/ right or wrong/ kind or mean / smart or stupid, honest or deceptive can rob us of the relief we feel when others know both sides of our nature…and accept us just the same. Our best friends usually do this. They see through our pretense, dismiss our ‘image’ as canned personality, and embrace us even when we are cranky, act crazy or get angry. This is freedom. This is real relating. This is what we miss out on in much of our lives when we expend vital energy pretending that we are not pretending, rather than being the quirky, slightly off kilter people we really are.

In fact, it’s easier to accept an authentic person with quirks and flaws than it is to feel warm and fuzzy about someone who is somehow always smart, good, kind, considerate…because under the surface, we know, from experience, that there is something in those silent waters that is most likely dark and slimy.

When we were small, we got a message that we had to show a certain face…present an ‘image’ to our teachers, neighbors, aunts and uncles…in order to avoid punishment and encourage attention and favor. This is at its most basic, a biological design to keep children from hurting each other and from running into traffic until they mastered the ability of cooperation and negotiation. When kids develop the capacity to weigh the consequences and make conscious choices, then they may risk displeasure from authority for the sweeter pleasure of self referent decision making. But not all do. Many get caught in a perpetual loop of pretense and hiding in a misguided attempt to ‘be successful and be liked’. This image becomes hardened like a mask that is held up for others to see, but our very nature strives for self acceptance and want others to love us as we are.

Our clever subconscious makes us sensitive to the flaws in others that we either suppress or merely hide from view. That which really irritates us about the people we pull into our lives (often again and again) are those tendencies which we are most inclined to hide about ourselves. When we admit to and own BOTH sides of our nature, we can arrive at true self acceptance as well as authentic forgiveness.