THE GIFT OF DISCOMFORT

The past two weeks have been peculiar. Difficult. One of those time periods in which it seems impossible to catch a break. One of those times in which the events seem so staged I am sure there is a message that I'm just not getting. The highlights included my grand baby getting very sick on the last day of our 3 day holiday trip, then her dad had a turn at the puke all night Bizarre,  my younger daughter went to the ER with a combo of the flu and a bug, my heat stopped working properly, the temperature dropped, my other daughter developed an ugly painful sinus infection, I got food poisoning, so it was my turn in the Puke Parade (I'm still a little queasy, truth be told), then Izzy started teething working on her 4 year molars, and finally, the freezer quit. Yeah. The freezer and the living room were both 56 degrees. And I was saying WTF???

Sooooo, my daughter and her family fled my house to stay at a hotel, and get warm. And recover. And I have now had 2 days of silence, in which I got to rest and recover as well. The furnace and freezer have been dealt with. 

The profound nature of the physical, mental and emotional discomfort startled me into thinking in a new way  and unlike any other year in which I have planned, created lists, made vision boards and all that happy crap, instead, in the blessed silence, I asked myself a different question.  If I were to purge (I know, right?) what was not working for me, what was keeping me from feeling as inspired, happy, connected as I could feel.. what would I do or not do?   

I just sat with that. Got excited. Became frightened. Instead of logical clear cut answers, images came, unbidden, saw myself laughing,  thinner, dancing on a beach..I saw friends I know and faces I do not recognize. I felt myself stirring, feeling as alive and on the edge of something as I have ever been. Realized how and where I have been playing it 'safe' and not playing full out. I  had glimpses of travel, writing, singing, giving up my life as I know it to be. Visions of being a one woman traveling story-teller, dream developer, midwife between worlds. And I want to follow that vision. It feels right, feels like a beacon signaling me to step forward.
The shit-show was a gift. It got my attention.

Yesterday, the synchronicities kicked in.   I got a phone call from a dear friend, talked about a book he recently wrote with the help of his deceased wife.  Had a client after that who, at the end of our session which was a very conventional conversation about communicating with grown kids about family issues, told me that he kept having thoughts of me traveling the country like a gypsy palm reader, but instead of telling fortunes, I 'did what I do' connecting people.  My goosebumps got goosebumps. Then, I Skyped with a friend in Canada, and we immediately fell into a deep conversation speculating about deep subconscious connections people share, experiences with the dead, dreams that have profound impact, the inter-connectedness of life.  We said that when thinking from this larger place, this deeper place of connection, we make better choices, solver for bigger problems, and are more inclined to be responsive, rather than reactive with others.

After the call, I realized that I had been heading into the year dragging the same old conversations about creating workshops, working with clients and generally fitting the more edgy aspects of my life into a package that works as a Radically Honesty but still somewhat conventional Life Coach.

I'm done  doing that. You can count on me to stir the pot more vigorously than I ever have before. I am going to go deeper to bring the edgy, the mysterious, the awe inspiring and the wonderful magic of everyday life back into our awareness and our conversations. I'm not sure yet what that looks like for me, but if you see me driving across the country and you wave, I promise I'll share a story or a song with you. 

I think that we- all of us, are being pushed by life right now, by the weather, the political climate and the fortunate movement towards Honesty that is rattling our personal and collective cages. In that discomfort, find your light. Find that which makes you feel most yourself, connected to others and the world most profoundly, and start unhooking from whatever is in the way of that.  I imagine that this is what conscious evolution looks like. And I am here to help you on your journey, even as I am on my own.


Happiness, healing, stability, love,  peace...these things are all about cultivating those connections. That Connection is what I wish for you in this New Year.

Bright Blessings

Raven

FALL, FEAR AND FREEDOM

Every Fall is a roller coaster for me. The highs include the pleasures of  leafy beauty, crisp air, apple picking, pumpkin carving and the many lovely  memories of fantastic Halloween parades, wild decorations, magnificent holiday feasts, and perfect true blue days with starry cold nights.

On the downside, through the years I have grieved many losses in the fall, especially in the past few years including the sudden passing of my long time BFF last September. In the past few months a local musician that I have known many years, a friend from the coffeehouse I frequent and a friend that started out at a client.
So fall also triggers my fears, it pokes me in tender places and reminds me of the empty places in my heart that once were filled with the sounds and smiles of people who have passed.

Since Fall is the time of transition as we head towards the darkness and silence of Winter, this reminder of what is good, and precious is welcome.  With the grieving comes a certain freedom, a permission to live fully, celebrate with glee and to love fiercely. The reminder that any day someone we love can be gone,  or maybe our own sudden passing will interrupt our plans...can be exactly the motivation we need to set aside what we pretend is important and attend to what is ACTUALLY important.

In any case, when the leaves turn it's a good time to reclaim that freedom we had in childhood...to play in the leaves, dress up, enjoy our friends and play full on.

May Fall shower you with a bountiful harvest of pleasure and freedom to be exactly who you are.

BLINDED BY BELIEF

We get into trouble when our idea of how we want someone to be bangs hard against the reality of how they actually are.  If we won’t let go of our vision of ‘how they could/should be’ long enough to know the person in front of us, we create an illusion of a relationship based on a version of the person we’ve invented.  Marriages fall apart, businesses col­lapse, and parents and children stop speaking when the demands of our illusions are in conflict with reality.  In this case, we have idealized the person, believing that they can (and should) think, feel and/or act the way we want them to.  This can be lethal for relationships, since love, intimacy and friendship require acceptance to survive.  We cannot accept what we refuse to see. 

Another problem with this behavior, is that if we canonize someone, and invest in a label (hero, good guy) that makes us revere them, we become blind to their flaws, faults and deceptions- even if we’re talking self-deceptions. This isn’t smart.  This leads to blindly following someone's lead even when your own gut tells you it's a bad idea. 

The other extreme of belief is when we demonize people by believing that a label we’ve attached sums up the totality of who/how/what they are. This is a dangerous and divisive practice which can (and often does) lead to violence.

When we label people, we are cutting ourselves off from the possibility of experiencing the actual person in front of us.  We are surmising that whatever that label represents holds more reality than anything else about the person. We do not look, nor can we see beyond the confines of our labels, unless we make an effort to look past the belief to the whole person.

When we reduce people to a single idea, whether it’s  hypocrite, liar, bitch, just a woman, a cheater... or invest in labels like libtard, gay, troll, or worse- the result is to create an immediate disconnect. Rather than a person with a life story, family, talents , problems and fears before us, we reduce them to a less-than, inferior, sub-humans worthy of our disdain.

 Labels are road signs that tell the world that we are the ‘True Believer’ and the one labeled is the “infidel”.  Domestic violence, murder, slavery, religious persecution, sexism, racism and war are the inevitable results of this toxic labeling. We see it ALL over social media.

If you only see others through the lens of your label, you will find nothing good in them. You will overlook, repurpose and reinterpret their words and actions to live down to your expectations.  

 Yes there are people who are ignorant, delusional,  violent , dangerously misinformed, and others who are seriously mentally ill - unable to be trusted.   Even so, demonizing someone based on a single factor- -Muslim, black, gay, female, Republican, Liberal, Mexican….is a dangerous practice that cuts us off from reality, from compassion, from solutions and from our own humanity. 

We developed empathy and compassion as a species because they are tools for our survival, our evolutionary development that helps us thrive- not merely survive. Please, I urge you, look beyond the label.  Look at your own Belief Blindness and push yourself to take a deeper more honest look at people, including yourself. Together we can resolve issues and build a better world.  To do so, we have to tackle the issues we face as humans sharing this planet, rather than positioning ourselves against each other. 

EMBRACING YOUR WIGGY WHEEL

We are all a little off, odd, even hinky in our individual ways. We each try to hide from others those peculiar idiosyncratic thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that we imagine might put people off, and may cause us not to be liked, accepted or loved.  This hiding does not serve us in any way, in fact, the cultural ‘norm’ that has us trying to protect our ‘image’ and strive (uselessly) to look ‘good’, is sabotage of the worst kind.

 We are each like a shopping cart with a wiggy-wheel!  Granted, some of us have wheels that wobble, squeak and drag more than others, but we ALL have them…and we’re all trying to go in a reasonably straightish line down the aisles of life without smashing through the displays or running each other over. That requires our attention, and there will be some mishaps along the way because life is messy. It’s sometimes peppered with the adventures we have while careening at breakneck speed through some part of life only half aware (if that)  what we’re doing. We flail, we crash, our wiggy wheel catches on a lover or a stranger and down we go. We forgive, hug, cry, laugh, make love, fight and do all the other messy things life offers.  And it’s all all right. We carry on.

If we embrace our seeming strangeness, and allow ourselves to not only accept, but have fun with the way our wheel squeals or pulls to the left, then something wonderful happens.   We reveal ourselves. Others get to know us. They put their guard down and we get to know them too. Ahhh. Intimacy. Not judgment and rejection. Acceptance and good humored alliance. What we were taught about image, political correctness, being  careful, and hiding our weirdness was ALL wrong information.  The more we reveal ourselves, the easier time we have navigating through this glorious marvel we call life. When we pull to the right and someone pulls to the left we know how to adjust. It’s when we try to hide how we are, then conflict and attempting to avoid conflict (which never works) becomes our lifestyle.

So relax. Squeak on. Let others know the ways in which you are jiggy and wiggy. Invite others to be straight with you too. Embrace that within yourself and others which makes us human, related, and kind.

A CHAT WITH ME, MYSELF & I

You talk to yourself, right? Of course you do. Have you ever wondered which self is doing the talking, and which self is listening? Here’s something I’ve noticed about the 3 Selves I know myself to be.  You'll recognize your own Selves, too...
 

First, there’s little Me. The small self that is chock full of worries and fears, shoulds and judgments, self-criticism and Victim thinking. This is likely to be a ghost of our childhood, infected with whatever dysfunctional family virus has neither been faced nor accepted. It’s generally a pain in the ass, and gets our attention wandering away from our experience. Wherever we may still be stuck in past fears and resentments fuels this immature, ego driven,  insecure, approval seeking Self.  

This voice can make us feel dissatisfied and anxious even when our health, income and relationships are doing just fine. This self uses the Reasoning Mind to create Reasons that justify everything from our bonehead decisions to delusional expectations. This Voice seduces us to live in our heads. It’s useful for having us investigate potential threats, but it also sees threats behind every door, so, we have to do a Reality Check when this self natters on and on.

Then there’s our Other Self, our "Real" Self…the Person We Know We Could Be…that grand, talented, self-aware Mythic Self.  OurSelves as The King, Queen, Muse, Hero, Heroine or God/Goddess, in the story of our life. This is our Deep Self. Full of insight, courage, humor, creativity, focus…and bearing whatever special talents we happen to possess. This is the warm bright Voice that floods the mind and body with hope, optimism, the pleasure of experience and gratitude for your life. This Self, gifts us with creativity, gut feeling, satisfaction, self-confidence, humor, compassion and acceptance. 

We’re not as accustomed to listening to that Voice.  This Self accesses the Reasoning mind to test, to validate or disprove through experience and inquiry what works for you and what doesn’t.  This Voice encourages us to live experientially in action in the world.

And another Self is the Witness, the I AM- that “Still Small Voice” that observes without judgment all that we do and fail to do, all that we suffer and all that pleasures us…as if the very fact that we exist, that we breathe and AM is enough, no matter what the experience, grand, ugly or somewhere in between. Our Witness spinning yet in infinite stillness...a point of grounding, silence, and Being.

When we are still, we can notice the fears and follies of the Small Self, and instead of being bowled over by them, we can call on our Mythic Self for direction and courage to act. 

When you find yourself  heading down the Rabbit Hole, or about to board the Crazy Train, take a breath, find that moment between inbreath and outbreath when everything is still, and find the Self that is beyond  turmoil and impervious to conflict; the I Am which is the balance point…providing the connection and peace that allows us to live is Joy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHOICE AND RESPONSIBILITY

To have power in our lives, we must accept the consequences of our choices. Unfortunately, what seems to be free will choice is often a product of our bias, and of our unconscious filters that blind us to any reality that does not fit with the way we want things (or people) to be.  When we fail to challenge our own minds, and neglect the responsibility of testing our own assumptions, we then have to live with the uninformed decisions we have made and their unintended consequences.
                
I stand for a world in which women are treated with equal respect and given equal opportunities and equal pay as men. I stand for a world in which our bodies are sacred and our reproductive rights are upheld. I stand for a world in which people of all colors and all gender orientations are safe from persecution. I vow to strive every day to make my actions reflect inclusiveness, compassion, and tolerance for those different from me.

I want to believe that each of us doing this in our own hearts, families and neighborhoods, is enough. The truth is, I don’t know.  We MUST find and reach the tipping point that allows the good of the many to outweigh the needs of the few.

 So I will also say this as well: that I will fight, protest, march on Washington and participate in a revolution if necessary to protect those who are bullied, persecuted and threatened.  To do any less, is to agree to take a giant evolutionary step backwards.

Not on my watch.

Stand with me. Stand up for what is good and right in people and in the world. Stand against passivity that permits racism and sexism to flourish. Stand for a world in which we evolve consciously, set aside our differences, and unite for our greater good.

THE DISEASE OF BLIND OBEDIENCE

When we are taught to be obedient, rather than how to be self-referent thinkers, our common sense and inner moral compass , as well as our health and happiness is at risk. Obedience turns us into zombiis- it dampens our humanity and robs us of our faith in our own ability to notice and respond authentically.  What, you say? We neeeed obedience? No. Not blind obedience, absolutely not. 

 Even children in primary school can learn cooperation and communication rather than blind obedience. Sure…there are a few (very few) circumstances in which obedience is life saving : fire drills, military operations, imminent tornado or flood warnings…but these are the exception rather than the rule.  This kind of knee-jerk obedience is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a healthy way to live.

The worst part is that so many people believe that they are not blindly obedient, when they obviously are. Obedience is an old and deeply rooted  pattern that we are indoctrinated with from a very early age. We are told in implicit and explicit ways to ‘Do what your parents, teachers, doctors, clergy, religion, leaders say…because they know better than you do what is good and right for you.’ This is a dangerous and life sucking lie.

 

Ask yourself honestly how often you really check in with your OWN mind and gut to make decisions rather than defer to your spouse, parent, doctor, media, magazine articles…blabla bla…to TELL you what to do. If you are honest with yourself you might just look in the mirror and see a sheep looking back.  There are lots of Sheeple. Do not resign yourself to that life.

People who know how to think on their own are not victims, they  are the authors- the authority- in their own lives. They learn from their mistakes, think critically, use their intuitive senses, and fact-check before believing any ‘authority’ blindly.  Do not blindly trust any authority. History is written by the winners, and even medical ‘facts’ are revised or reversed with shocking regularity.  Look at the political and religious idiots (throughout history and currently) who blindly obey the dictates of their party or their faith in direct opposition to  common sense and basic human kindness.

Please, be a rebel. Start today.  Do not join the shadow people who wait for permission that will never come. Permission can only come from within you.  The rules of obedience can turn you into a helpless, hopelessly lost zombie always in search of someone else’s brain to make your decision. Stop it. Right now.  Begin by looking deeply at the rules, beliefs, and ideas that keep you in a loop of repeating (or tolerating) behaviors that don’t work for you.  Rebel. Just say NO. Make your preferences clear. Start somewhere…you can change anything- your schedule, job, wardrobe, spouse, hairstyle, babysitter, bank, residence, doctor, diet, hobbies, friends…whatever. Just begin.

We are born with permission to be fully alive, to make our own choices, and to be happy, playful, creative Beings. We do not require permission from any outside authority to have the lives we want to have. Get the disease of blind obedience out of your life, and I promise you, much pleasure and joy will come your way.
 

(For a painful and frightening look at obedience, read about the Milgram research.)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTX42lVDwA4