THE TIME OF REMEMBERING THE DEAD

Well it’s that time of year when I haul out the box that contains the pictures of all my deceased loved ones…family, friends- those whose lives have touched and changed me. To honor them, I let myself feel the bittersweet emotions of loss, gratitude, love and fear, and I sit with the reality of my own fragility, my own inevitable end, and I sit will the possible loss of those I know and love who are currently ill.

 

Understandably, at first glance,  you may not think this is a tradition you think is a keeper- yet it is rich and rewarding, and even though at first I resist the process, I am always happier and calmer, less hard on myself and others,  and in exactly in the right state of mind to put real and meaningful desires on paper, having just had a thorough reality check.

 

Every year certain people stand out, and as I retell or relive my memories of them, I celebrate life- theirs and my own- and I remember that living and loving full on, even in the face of inevitable loss- is what makes life a fiercely worthwhile adventure.  Their lives and deaths remind me of what I want to do, and what I refuse to do…my excitement about meeting new people, loving the ones I know, mapping out new journeys and taking creative risks rises powerfully in me during that week of reflection. 
 

I step into the cave of winter having planted the seeds that, until I make myself busy and numb to avoid feeling pain, or avoid fear of loss, or hide from my own vulnerability, or fragility, or loneliness- until then, what I set in motion will call to my soul, inspire me, and help me challenge and push through many of those moments when I’d otherwise check out rather than feel deeply or love fully.

Also beyond the sense of loss is a powerful sense of continued connection, a synchronicity here, a dream there, a memory springing to my awareness in full color, and in those moments I also know that there is no end of life, but a different form of living, and that all the love I have shared with others continues shining on, opening the gates to communication and comfort, to knowing and help from that other deeper place where we live once we’ve dropped our bodies in the dirt.  

And I am reminded that my experience of living in and through this body is unique and powerful, and so my desire to move, to feel, and to experience the wonders of this world surge through me - and I feel again like a child exploring the magic around me with wonder, loving freely and playing hard.

  When I am alive like this I see the world as it is, and others as they are, and the streaming connectivity of life pours through me, making me happy regardless of circumstance, regardless of fear or loss- allowing me to be a mirror-  reflecting that potent remembering and love back into the world.

LIFE IS AS HARD AS YOU MAKE IT

How many times have you heard someone say "Life is hard.." ? (sigh).. I usually ask the question, "Compared to what?" Really. Think about that for a minute or three. Or try this one : " How are you making life so hard?"  That's a conversation stopper, I'll tell ya.


For most of us most of the time, certain events can be frustrating, annoying, less than perfect, or slow to sort out, but rarely is life 'Hard' unless we make it so. Sure, things happen. Accidents and deaths are part of life. Job loss and broken relationships, too. Definitely these can be real curve balls, setbacks and downers that we have to get through, recover from and digest as part of life. Usually though, everyday life for most of us comes complete with a place to live, food on the table, clothes, income and friends or family that we can rely on when those curve balls come.


Life is only hard when we put the majority of our attention on whatever isn't the way we want it to be or think it 'should' be.  Some people compare their lives to some idealized fairytale version of life that isn't likely to become anyone's reality.


Sure, sure, problems get smaller when we have more money, and everyone wants to be loved and feel useful. True. But to say that "Life is Hard" because you have to work, or don't have the guts to quit a job you hate or the nerve to leave a tormented relationship, or because your friend got an inheritance and you envy her...well that's all just petty.


If you doubt for a second that you have it good, just think about-or research- your grandparents or great-grandparents lives. When you have a little reality under your belt, come back and ask yourself how you can honor your ancestors by celebrating the ease, the choices, and the abundance you tend to ignore or take for granted each day..


I have talked to people with very little money, who have experienced tragedy after tragedy, that have felt blessed and lucky because they had their health, intelligence and a rook (though sometimes not much else) over their heads. I have on the same day, spoken with others with an abundance of money, homes and cars paid for, whined and complained about how hard life is because someone was granted something in their spectacularly expensive divorce settlement that was 'unfair'.


Life's what you make it. If you are hard on yourself or others, or live by 'comparison', let me tell you, life will seem very hard indeed. If, on the other hand you acquire the skills of  following your desires, treating yourself with kindness and taking time to really see, feel and appreciate the myriad of things that go right each day, I promise you will realize that you have plenty of evidence of ease and grace every day of your life. Life is as hard as you make it.

Freedom, Friendship & Reality

Freedom begins by telling the truth about what we think, how we feel, what we’ve done and what we want. Often we lie via silence. Telling ourselves a lie, (I don’t want to hurt their feeeeelings.  OR  I don’t want to have a conflict)  to justify how much we  keep our mouths shut, while our jaws clench and our gut churns as we try to smile and nod our way through.  

 

Meanwhile the real reason we zip it, is that we want to control what others think of us, manipulate the way we present ourselves and pretend to be the way we think other people want us to be. OMG how exhausting and crazy is that? What a prisoner of lies we become once we start using silence while pretending that withholding  how we REALLY think and feel is somehow NOT lying. Wake up. Be who you really are. Be visible and real and allow people to love and appreciate the Real You, warts and all. Your real friends will be relieved and happy. Your fake friends will be gone like smoke in the wind. And you will be free. 

You can't change anyone. For your own sanity (and frankly, to be in touch with reality) you have got to give up hoping, wishing, manipulating, teaching, leading and convincing other people to change. In fact, when you really accept that managing your OWN life is a full time job, you will find that you automatically lay off the people around you. You will wake up.  There's something wonderful and freeing about this process.

 

Now, when you Do revise the way you think and react, the people around you will shift.  You can’t change them, but when  you transform your own understanding, when you change your relationship ‘dance’ every person in your life will respond.  Some  will respond effortlessly and subconsciously, some with a knowing smile, and others will resist every  new step. 

 

When you wake inside your life you  will also offer a subconscious invitation to everyone you know to wake a little bit. Many will welcome the shift in you, others will get mad. A few may vanish. Then you will find yourself surrounded by people who are wake and supportive. 

RESPONSE-ABILITY and BLAME

People often feel overwhelmed by thinking of the word "responsibility' and all the exhausting meaning making that tends to go with it. What if being able to Respond-rather than React was an ability, a skill one could practice to become better adept at communicating with others. We can get triggered by almost anything, and react defensively, accusingly, feel hurt, get pissed and start passing the blame to anyone in the vicinity.  I've done it, and I'm sure you have too.

But the truth is that the buck stops with each of us. No one is responsible for your state of mind but you.  Sure, we all get annoyed, hurt and react...however, if you learn to note the reaction as just that-a reaction-not objective reality- then you have the opportunity to respond to the situation, rather than get stuck defending and pretending that your reaction is anything more than that.

Look, I know it can be hard to take, but in reality your parents, partners , and other people from your past are simply not to blame for whatever behavioral dead ends you find yourself in.  Yes, they may be responsible for teaching you some of the craptastic  beliefs and habits that make your life less than stellar, but you and only you have the power to notice what you're doing that is leading you down those dead end roads and learn how to do something else. 

Revealing what you are thinking and how you are feeling rather than assuming, accusing, and blaming, will allow you to respond rather than get clogged up in the reaction. This is what true responsibility means. Not taking blame. Not giving blame. Accepting that you cannot change others but you can alter how you respond, and get free from many of the ways you torment yourself (and probably also irritate the hell out of others).

Here's a practice:
Notice yourself react, Feel the sensations Interrupt your thoughts and recognize 'Oh, this is that familiar place I go', now Redirect your thoughts, opining up new possible options  for how to communicate, take a new action (maybe make a request, ask for clarification, or reveal how you're feeling) ...and repeat as needed. This is one way to learn how to leave those old crazy-making habits in the past where they belong.

Dear Readers,

After a long dry blogging spell, I will now start fresh, and promise to enter a new post  every 7-10 days. I hope you will comment, and add your wit and wisdom to the conversations.

Today's topic is about what happens when people ask, " So, how are you?"  It is obvious that people asking that question rarely want an honest answer, which is exactly what motivates me to provide one. Yes, I'm that way.

I have heard all the reasonable arguments about saying the positives, and focusing on the good things and in short that tends to amount to saying something trivial, insincere or blatantly dishonest
rather than actually answering the question a fair percentage of the time.

Now, I'm not advocating that you spew forth a laundry list of your complaints and challenges, but on the other hand, if you are having a day when you feel like getting hit by a bus would be a break from whatever's going on, then you might consider actually telling the truth.  "Actually, I feel like hell today, I can't wait to go to bed and put the day behind me." 

Conversely, if you are having a truly exhilarating day or you won the lottery, or just had the best sex you've had all decade, saying 'I'm fine" just doesn't cut it either.  I prefer to consider the possibility that if I answer authentically when someone asks me, "How are you?" that my honestly is an invitation for contact, friendship and intimacy, which may otherwise get lost under the convenient, familiar half truths we typically speak to each other.

In May I was in a car accident, and while people love to ask " Hey, how're ya doin?" , what they want to hear is that I'm  "Good. Fine. Improving, On the mend..." and anything else along those lines. Yet I discovered that if I say those things they want to hear, I feel like an idiot and give the impression that I'm working and living life as usual which is absolutely not true. 
What's true is that I feel broken, my life is still completely disrupted, I'm still in a wheelchair, I won't start PT for weeks, I get exhausted easily, and  everything I have to do to take care of myself from getting up to pee in the middle of night to trying to wash dishes while balancing on one leg is a challenge. Not to mention constantly having to ask people to please pick up my mail, do my laundry, etc. Which, by the way, even the best of friends get tired of doing.   
 So sure, I'm glad to be alive, and happy to have friends that run the errands that keep my life and my business moving forward. AND, some days suck, pure and simple.   In the past 10 years I haven't had much going on in the misery department, so even my honest comments on a 'bad' day were funny though  a bit snarky. But this is a whole different ballgame.

In telling the truth, I have found that even most people who don't especially want to hear the truth end up having a deeper more authentic conversation with me about their own lives and  how THEY are really doing.  It's good.

So...How are you?

Raven

Yes it HAS been a long time since I have posted. Essentially, I have been in the process of reinventing myself, listening carefully to my dreams and that small but oh-so-persistent inner guide that triggered the realization which led to this inner revolution. I am about to completely revise my website, change the way I work with people and radically alter the seminars and training programs I offer. My site will be far more interactive and I will offer down-loadable monthly visualizations and meditations, share a ritual practice from a different tradition every month, and provide an interactive format, probably through Facebook...

My purpose? First, to help people open the gates between their conscious and unconscious minds, restoring dreams and intuition to their rightful place in our system of intelligence, and through that avenue, create a smoother, richer, more engaging and creative practice for individuals to quickly and powerfully change their lives for the better and restore balance to their families, create conscious communities and ultimately positively impact the world.

The coaching, programs and on line support I offer will help you create a more conscious and lively communication with the mysterious, the numinous, the deepest part of awareness through which we are connected to each other and to all that is. When we learn to communicate with the world behind the world, helpers arrive, doors open, synchronicity, dreams and symbols provide direction, and our lives transform. Not change incrementally in half step plodding linear fashion…but transform.

If you want to engage with life more fully, rise to the challenge of unleashing much more of your potential, uncover your hidden talents, and share that new found energy and passion with your family, your community and the world, here is a place to learn how to enter into Becoming a potent more authentic version of yourself- the YOU that you have always known you could be.

I am very excited and I invite you to come on this journey with me. Look for weekly posts as the new site is built and the first programs and on line resources become available!

WHAT ABOUT THE VIOLENCE?

I have bot blogged in quite a while, but due to the number of comments I have heard about the recent shooting, and the number of people who have asked me for my two cents...here it is...

The solution to violence is far more complicated than monitoring words, or whether or not Palin uses crosshairs over the faces of her opponents. How is it that we as a culture continue to invest in Might Makes Right as "The" solution? Truthy be told, it is everywhere...war on drugs, war on cancer, allowable smear campaigns that spread lies, hell our own government lies to us. We mustn'e forget that we are a country founded from a bloody revolution, further developed from the blood of brothers during the Civil war,-a countrty whose "greatness" has largly come from being the biggest badAss during the world wars (and the technology that came from those wars), not to mention the revision (for the better) of our own culture during the protests and and sit-ins, and resistance to authority- that were still at heart revolutions.

Clearly we are dealing with an evolutionary paradigm. By design, compassion, empathy and cooperation are the real cutting edge brain developments most likely to assure our individual and collective survival. It isn't MIGHT that makes us survivors in the bog picture after all.
I can only believe that when we as individuals put an end to the personal daily emotional executions we visit on friends, family and others in our community who do not 'live up to our expectations' can we hope to make headway on a c\ultural, much less global level. Only when we offer treal compassion to those in our immediate lives and in our immediate environment can we hope to spark a change large enough to impact cultural violence.

Blaming people's word choices or the 'right to bear arms' or blaming implicit or explicit messages that may encourage someone to 'rail against' others, is as illogical as the old complaint that rock and roll was the cause of the moral downfall of the youth!

People who are happy do not shoot people. Duh. People who are marginalized, ignored, in pain, emotionally overwrought and of course those whio are mentally ill-sometimes do. They are a symptom of a larger issue. And sure we can create new laws, become word police and kick Palin's ass to the moon for being a crappy exabple of a compassionate intelligent human being. Yes we can. But if we treat the symptoms and not the cause...nothing changes. The patient still dies.

When each of us decide to become more involved and more honest friends, family and neighbors, rather than expect The Authorities (whom we mistrust) to fix the problem with a top down approach, when we become more active participants in demonstrating kindness and empathy in our own lives-we can and will take a new evolutionary course.

When I heard that the shooter was yet another emotionally distressed and disturbed young man, I couldn't help but wonder where WERE his family, teachers, neighbors and friends that could not lend a compassionate ear or healthy corrective guidance? If it "takes a villiage" then we are ALL in some way culpable for these acts.

I urge you to do your part in your own life, to be an aware, compassionate and active member of your family and your community. Take this personally. The next shooter may be someone you know.